Wednesday, January 28, 2004
I don't blog that much anymore. I don't know why. I should...
Anyway, tonight I realized something. That something is that no matter what I think, it doesn't fucking matter. I also realized that as a gay man, there is one small phrase that changes everything. EVERYTHING.
There are people in this world who are cool, and trendy, and with-it and fab but then you say one little phrase to them and they say..."Oh?"
There are people who smile and laugh and include you in their lives and you say this one little phrase and the laughter disappears and the smile fades and the calls stop.
There are people in this world who hear this phrase and look like they are about to vomit.
There are people who don't want to react because they are educated and enlightened but despite themselves they react when you tell them.
And every time, whether you feel safe or not, even when you think it will be a non-issue...
when you tell someone you are gay, everything changes. EVERYTHING.
It happened tonight and once again I feel like I put myself out there and let someone know who I am because I like and trust them and I get THAT reaction of "Oh?" I hate it. I hate it. It hurts. It makes me feel less than. But you know what? I am not "less than". I wake up. I feel tired. I feel happy. I cry. I love. I want. I need. I can be devoted and committed and dedicated. I can be your best friend and I can be your worst enemy. I am human. Just because I am gay. Just because I TELL you that I am gay... I let you in, I share with you...I let you know I feel safe...doesn't mean that you can reject me and show me that you feel that I am less than and that you will have to "digest this information". FUCK YOU. I don't have to "digest" the fact that you are a heterosexual. I don't have to "think" about your "orientation" or "lifestyle". I am soooo sick of coming out...I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
The Cold. Lately it's a proper noun. An unwanted companion who walks along with you, poking, jabbing, and scratching you the entire time. Omnipresent but invisible, sneaking in the smallest crack, passing through glass, climbing up inside your coat with you.
I have never liked the cold. I like people who say they like it even less. Eight years ago I contemplated either moving to Miami or to New York. New York won. Tonight, sitting here surrounded by the cold (who seemingly has a vice-gripped, stranglehold around me and the whole city) I wish I had chosen Miami.
Monday, January 12, 2004
Ah, a new year. A new start.
I keep saying, I need to blog, I need to blog, I need to blog and then I get home and have no time for anything. It is nice being busy - in the good productive way - but it leaves little time for anything else.
So what is keeping me so busy? In a word, teaching. Add to that, long distance dating, holidays, maybe a few days of flu, lesson planning and a general feeling of exhaustion and that just about covers it. I guess when I focus on the things I need to do to make my life the kind of life I want it to be, some things get pushed to the side. But when things are new, it takes a while to find the right balance again. I'm getting there. Going to the gym has suffered. My friends have suffered (or maybe they have gotten a much needed break from me!). But as I am jumping back in to everything, I realize there is a much happier Mike there.
After years of hemming and hawing, I can't tell you what a great decision it was for me to go into teaching. I have always wanted to be a teacher but it never seemed to be the time. Now it is and I'm glad I waited.
I work with really tough kids and sometimes it gets to me. I can't imagine working with any other population though because I feel that I can make a true difference with these troubled kids more than I can with "normal" kids. Everything has worked out for the best although, I have to admit, it took a lot of effort and talking to a lot of people to gather the right information (including roomie Glenn who gave scads of awesome, free advice) to get to where I am now. Fortunately, all of my hoop jumping has landed me in a wonderful school with amazing co-workers and tons of support as well as some truly disturbed kids. I would love to tell you everything about them but I need to keep them, their antics and their identities totally confidential so you probably won't here much about them, just about things that happen to me.
New year, new blogging adventure. I hope I can keep up with it. My grad school classes resume next week, it may be quite a challange.