Thursday, January 30, 2003
Does anyone remember the movie, "My Cousin Vinny"? Further, does anyone remember Marissa Tomei (sp?) in said movie when they leave NYC and go to the rural area to help out Vinny's cousin? Vinny is yelling as Marissa is tiptoeing around in the mud that she has to look a little more like a local or something to that effect, that she should look a little less obvious that she isn't from the area. Her response, "Like you blend!"
That is how I feel here. I was outside with my dad, getting really distressed because I had to walk over salt laden ice in my best shoes and I was tip-toeing over it muttering to myself something about the tundra when my dad said, "What is wrong with you? It's just snow." He had a look of disappointment on his face. I stood and looked at him from my world and he looked at me from his. The enormity of the gap between us became painfully obvious. All I could manage was an exasperated and very gay, "...but my shoes..." He turned around and kept walking.
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
I applied for a position that I am really interested in...for the first time in a long time. It is for the position of Events Team Coordinator at the AIDS Action Committee in Boston. I called this morning and spoke to HR, wrote a cover letter and sent my resume all in less than 20 minutes. THAT is how interested in the position I am. Why? Well, I have always respected the AIDS Action Committee in Boston. They do good admirable work with no sign of scandal or money issues (that I know of). I would be proud to work for them and to be doing something that deals directly with the "war" on AIDS. Also, coordinating events is what I do best. It is in my blood. It is second nature to me. It motivates me. Please keep your fingers crossed for me, I want this one badly!!!
Friday, January 24, 2003
I never realized how hard it would be to move somewhere where I have absolutely no friends. It's hard.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003 Oh my GOD! I'm a genetic freak!
I have pointy elbows. It runs in my family. My dad has pointy elbows as well. I have never really given a second thought to the fact that my elbows are more pointy than most people's. Well, except when said pointyness catches a hard surface. My funny bone certainly wishes I had flatter elbows, then maybe I would not knock them on everything all the time. The thing about my elbows is that they stretch out my knit shirts and sweaters. When I take a cotton long sleeved shirt off, I have a little, perfectly round, inverted dimple on each sleeve where the elbow was. It goes away when I wash the shirt so no big deal. Recently though, people have been mentioning that they notice how pointy my elbows are. My sister said it, a girl at the gym said it, "Wow, you have pointy elbows." (I gave her a frigid glance, she's dead now) and my aunt said it. Strange. So add this genetic mutation to my protruding ribcage, my promenant adam's apple and the plethora of freckles, scars and brown spots on my skin and you get a full fledged freak!
Monday, January 20, 2003
It's very cold here these days. It makes it hard to do anything outside. So, I have been focusing on eating properly, going to the gym just about every day, and getting plenty of sleep. I have decided to really focus on discipline. I realized that I was too scattered in New York. I felt like I had no discipline in my life and so I'm working on that. Getting up early, making the bed, eating a good breakfast, job hunting, making follow up calls, going to the gym, and cleaning up the loose ends in my finances. I haven't had a drink since before leaving NYC...well, one...but that's pretty good. So, I'm feeling very on top of things even though I am not bringing in any money right now.
I've been thinking about a lot of things too. I really liked New York. It suits me. Being back here, I realize that I can function in the suburbs but I miss the excitement of a city. I like my quiet nights at home but only when I want them, not because there is absolutely nothing at all to do. And believe me, there is nothing to do here. Going to the gym is the highlight of my day. I also realize that the guy in Illinois that I really like will never be anything more than a long distance crush. He is quite a guy and I would be happy to try to start something with him but he now wants to live in Chicago, I want to live in Delaware for the summer and then probably back to New York. He hasn't asked if I would like to move to Chicago, and I know that he likes me in theory but would feel pressured if I moved to live near him. I also know that if I moved there, it wouldn't last. It was a summer romance that has been killed by distance. To find a guy that will be in my life for the long term is becoming less and less of a priority to me. I feel that I will most likely be single from this point on with the occasional short term relationship from time to time. That's okay. Never say never but I'm not young enough to put up with other people's bullshit anymore. I guess I have become too set in my ways to compromise myself or my principles for these demanding faggots I meet anymore. That's okay. Illinois guy didn't demand anything from me which is good, but on the flip side, he didn't even let me know what he wants...I have started several conversations to ask but he just isn't that way so it goes nowhere. I need more than that. I deserve more than that. For now I'll leave it open to see what happens but in my mind it is pretty much a friend thing from this point on.
So the wind is howling outside. It's cold and I am going to go to bed alone again. It's okay though...I'll just hug my pillow and drift off thinking about my next summer romance.
OH...I have an appointment with a temp agency tomorrow...wish me luck!
Thursday, January 16, 2003
I had a strange realization about what is truly going on in my mind about having moved out of New York. It all started because I have a really bizarre song stuck in my head. It keeps playing over and over and over again. I hum it, and I find myself singing it in the gym. It is really bizarre because I haven't heard this song since I was about 8. I'll get to the details of the song in a minute. What it has done though is clearly point out to me that even though my conscious mind might be dealing with, accepting and maybe even enjoying this time away from New York by rationalizing it as a new adventure, and opportunity to fix my finances, a chance to re-aquaint myself with my family and so on my subconscious mind is saying "What the fuck just happened? What are you doing?" And it is asking me this, quite directly, through a Partridge Family Song!
The song is called, "Only a Moment Ago" (I think, I'll have to look it up.) Having been a very melancholy child, I always related to the depressing or sad songs. This was not as happy as the usual Partridge Family fare. So anyway, I realize that my subconcious is trying to figure out what happened to my life in New York by dredging this song up from the recesses of my brain and regurgitating it into my conscious mind any freaking chance it gets. The lyrics are:
Why has the music stopped?
Where did all the happy people go?
I knew they were there....songs everywhere,
Only a moment ago.
Imagine David Cassidy singing the main words with Shirley Jones singing backup...A few da da da da da da da da's and lyric echoing in a high pitch...in my brain, every day, ad nauseum. I can't remember any of the other lyrics, just this chorus. It is driving me up the wall.
The worst part of all this is I have no idea how to explain what has happened to that part of my psyche that is asking this question in such a maddening albeit very creative way. I'm actually proud, now that I think of it, that my mind works in this way...
Monday, January 13, 2003
I'm in Boston for a couple of days visiting with my friend Ed. It's nice. He has a great place and I feel very welcome and relaxed. It is nice to get away from the family for a few days. Boston is much as I remember it from when I lived here. I got to walk around alone this afternoon and was generally familiar with the stores and streets. If you have never been to Boston, it is a very interesting place. Visually it is really beautiful. It is charming actually. If there is one thing that Boston does right in its neighborhoods, it is architecture. Moreover, it does details very well. It is not enough to have a beautiful Victorian bowfront, it has to have the heavy oak doors with the carved details and the wrought iron fretwork and railings. The sidewalks are mostly all brick which gives a very old-fashioned feel to the streets. The streetlights are quaint acorn style iron post thingies. It can be very lovely.
One thing Boston does not do well is winter. It is cold here. It is windy. It is raw. If you have never heard that term, well, it is hard to explain. Raw is when the air is damp and frigid and the wind is ripping through your clothes, chilling you to the bone. Think soaking in a pool of ice water for 5 minutes and then standing in a freezer while someone squirts water at you with a fan blowing at you. That is close to the feeling of raw. In comparison to New York, Boston is very, very quiet. It is also shockingly clean. At several points today it had an unreal quality to it not unlike that of Disney World. Too orderly, too clean, too well laid out. It is interesting.
People here are for the most part neutral. They are not, however, as socially ept as their New York cousins. Introductions are rare. You have to introduce yourself. I have never understood this about Bostonian faggots. If you are with a group of people, and a friend of one of those people walks up to him, the conversation for the most part remains between the two who know each other. There is no general all-around introduction to the other members of the group. In NYC this would be unacceptable. I think because New Yorkers are too damn nosy to let anyone get by without knowing something about them. But here the lack of intros makes it hard to meet people through friends. It is almost like they want to keep the friendship to themselves. I should clarify that this is only the case in a public place. In private homes, I have always received a proper introduction to the other guests. Last night on two separate occasions I had to introduce myself and in both cases the person I stuck my hand out to had a somewhat confused and shocked look on his face about what I was doing.
Tomorrow I am going to a doctor about my liver. I think it is just for a referral to a specialist so there won't be news on that front for a while.
Friday, January 10, 2003
P.S. I have been driving around in a pickup truck. Stop. Re-read that first sentence. Think about that. ME in a pickup truck. ME. Re-read that first sentence. Okay, you may laugh now.
A goodbye to the 5th Floor Walkup(this may be the first in a series)
I lay on the bed relaxed, with my eyes closed. The warmth from the radiator mingles with the cool air coming in through the window that is propped open slightly to keep the room from getting too warm, too stuffy. The room is dark except for the flicker of a candle and the ever-changing bluish tint of the muted tv screen that reflects off of the white walls. I don't see any of this though since my eyes are closed. I open them and focus out the window at the World Wide Plaza tower two blocks north. It is the dominant feature of the view from my bed and is actually very beautiful. The pattern of the lighted windows changes from night to night...even hour to hour and sometimes a condensation plume envelopes the topmost spire of the building if the weather conditions are right. I'm comfortable and snug under my flannel sheets and comforter, two pillows under my head, one pressing against my left side. I hug that pillow as I fall asleep and think of the guy in Illinois that I would happily start a relationship with but he is hundreds of miles away and only his voice is the only thing that he can caress me with from that distance. So the pillow gets my attention just so I can feel something pressing against my chest and so that I can hold something in my arms as I drift off to sleep. The sounds of the street come through the window almost unceasingly. Tuesday nights and Sunday mornings are the only times that I find the street to be quiet. I don't love my apartment but I do like that it is mine alone. I love it's location and I love the neighborhood. I noise out the window never bothers me because I know that it is made by people like me enjoying what there is to offer in the streets below. My apartment and I seem to fit each other pretty well though. I feel comfortable and safe there. I feel relaxed and away from everything there. I like to be there. But 346 W 47th Street 5D is just a place I used to live and I can only drift off to sleep there in my memory.
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
Fact: I am on the tundra
Fact: I am surrounded by trees
Fact: I am more urban than I ever imagined
Fact: Homos are out here somewhere
Fact: I cannot find them
Fact: They can apparently find me
Fact: I was followed to my dad's pickup truck while leaving the gym last night by a built sexy man.
Fact: He smiled at me.
Fact: He followed me five miles up the highway
Fact: He had a pickup truck too.
Fact: He had a US Airforce Bumper sticker on said truck
Fact: He waved at me when I exited the highway.
Fact: I am going back to the gym tonight at the same time and I'm gonna rustle me up some Air Force meat.
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
I pride myself on truly believing the philosophy of living life and doing no harm to others. It doesn't always work out that way because I have a flair for saying very caustic things when I am in a bad mood, but for the most part, I try not to hurt people. I don't go out of my way to get revenge (I don't believe in it), I don't belittle people for my own benefit, and I don't have a penchant for Schadenfreude. But this year, 2003, I have decided to do more than doing no harm, I am going to help. One person at a time, including myself. I am going to focus on one thing per day that I can do for someone else to help them along in their life's journey. Today I talked to my sister about taking baby steps to getting back to her "pre third pregnancy" weight. She sees it as insurmountable but I sat with her and we talked about fitting a little exercise into her day and making changes to her caloric intake that were small but will make a difference. She felt that she could handle it and I am going to coach her to help her get healthy...not thin, not waifish...healthy. She was happy and felt empowered. I felt good. Who should I focus on tomorrow?
Monday, January 06, 2003
Saturday night found me surrounded by my favorite people, discovered by me one by one since the breakup in the winter of '99-'00. There was:
Alan, my common sense
Joe, my cohort in crime
Nick, my best friend and arch nemisis
John, my contact with reality
Paul, my soul mate from a distance
Billy, my little brother of sorts
Glenn, my newest friend
Jimmy, Toby, John, Scott, and Jake
I didn't stay out late. I also found myself keeping a cool reign on my emotions. I decided not to make it a big thing that I was leaving and actually ended up saying my goodbyes on the 42nd Street A/C/E downtown subway platform. I got up early on Sunday morning to prep for my 10 am departure and was treated to a breakfast of homemade waffles and bacon from my host and friend Michael. I left his place at 9 am and caught a cab to Penn Station. The cab took me uptown through the city and I found myself realizing that I had a memory from just about every section of town that we drove through. TriBeCa, Chinatown, Union Square, the Village, Chelsea, Herald Square...the memories came without effort and really warmed my heart because most of them included smiles and laughter. My years in New York had a lot of ups and downs but thankfully my memories are happy.
I haven't really been very down about moving. I am sad to leave the people I care about but the move actually has gone smoothly and without incident so I am pleased about that. I find when things in my life go smoothly, it is a good indication that I am on the right path. I keep thinking about the saying, "If you find yourself digging a hole, stop digging." Unfortunately, that is where I found myself over the last few months. I now have the opportunity to catch back up financially and move on to something new and exciting. The future may contain living in NYC again but I can't think about that now. I'm glad that I lived there though and I'm glad that I will always remember it fondly.
Friday, January 03, 2003
Life is strange.
I am moving and that is stressing me out but I'm getting along okay. I am actually looking forward to the change of scenery and the new opportunities I will have.
Then last night, life threw me a curve. I have been going through some blood tests lately regarding my liver and yesterday I got the results. Turns out that I don't have any form of Hepatitis which is very good news but now the doctor said that I need to go and rule out the possibility that it could be cancer. I need to get an ultrasound and he was honest when he said that it will be expensive. So I guess that I'll need to find some sort of insurance and then find a good doctor when I get back to the Boston area. So the facts are:
My ALT enzymes are at 92. Normal is 40 or below.
My AST enzymes are at 51. Normal is 34 or below.
I have no idea what this means. I have to do a little research to get a better idea of what I should do and be looking for. If anyone has any experience with this type of situation, I would appreciate any information. The doctor also said that I should consider not drinking anymore. My liver is inflamed and the alcohol will only irritate it further. I guess my beer drinking days are over. I really hope this is not serious. I feel fine so how serious can it be? Right?