Friday, November 29, 2002
It is the day after Thanksgiving and I am a taking a much needed break from the disorienting stress of being underemployed with no job prospects. It is nice to wake up to freshly brewed coffee, an array of foodstuffs in the kitchen, a loving "Good Morning" and all that. My parents are quite aware that I am having a hard time dealing with my employment situation so they have been very kind when talking about it and have offered as much practical advice as they feel is appropriate. It has been appreciated. The topic has been whether I should move up here with them for a few months to take the pressure off, get a little part-time job and continue the job hunt in New York from a remote location. It is a tempting offer. Dad offered to help me get a car and mom said that she would be willing to help me pay for someone to rewrite the resume. I don't know what to do...it seems like if I leave my life in New York, I probably won't go back. Honestly though, I have used up all my resources and I do need to find a way to keep the cash from flowing endlessly outward. So that is option #1. I have the feeling it is what I will do. It doesn't keep me in NYC, nor does it get me closer to Illinois boy but it would give me a breather...for a little while anyway. How I miss the Clinton White House!!
Monday, November 25, 2002
Why is it when I find a man attractive, I feel that I have to act on it? Why do I feel I need to kiss or touch or flirt with guys at every turn. I think it just makes me look fickle. It also is confusing because I tend to blur the lines of friendship by being overtly sexual. I guess if I had a sexual hang up it would be easier, but I don't. It just seems natural to me to sleep around. I need to rethink that.
Friday, November 22, 2002
I had a date last night.
I knew it was going to be a disaster before it started.
It was a disaster, but a on a delay. The date started out good and continued good and then fell apart during the last 30 minutes. It was odd.
It started out as drinks at Barracuda. I figured we could relax and chat and see if there was interest. You know what, it's not even worth blogging about. He was whiny and judgemental and determined to have a bad time. The only fun part of the date was seeing him at Barracuda before the date started.
I ended up going home with someone else anyway.
I miss my Illinois boy.
Thursday, November 21, 2002
So last night was my friend John's birthday. Drinks at Barrage, Dinner at Arriba, Arriba. I drank tequila...big mistake. Dinner was accompanied by me insulting all of my friends individually...to my English friend, "If it weren't for the USA everyone in your country would be speaking German right now...and don't you forget it." To a black friend of mine, "Where'd you get your hair did?". The insults were then followed by me vogue-ing (yes, I was vogue-ing) down 9th Avenue. Colliding into pedestrians in my way and whipping them with my coat. I then proceeded to barf in Barrage's bathroom (we returned for more drinks!) before I decided maybe I should call it a night.
I got to Times Square this morning and they had taken this down! What is going on! Does anyone know?
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
First there was the suspicious plane accident of the Democrat Senator in Minnesota just before the "close" election which effectively handed the election to his Republican opponent. Now there is this. We no longer live in a democracy. Our politicians think we are fools, and treat us as such. We are fools if we don't try to find out what is going on.
Monday, November 11, 2002
I've never really liked fall. I find it depressing. It reminds me so strongly of death. Darkness creeps in after the light of summer, things die, the landscape becomes desolate, it gets as cold as a grave. But Sunday, I think I may have acquired a new perspective. I went hiking up at Bear Mountain (a short bus trip from New York City) and the changing leaves and autumnal scenes actually invigorated me. It was beautiful. I accompanied some new friends, Glenn and Simon, and it was a lot of fun.
The hike was challenging but not extremely difficult. The flora was at a very interesting stage in its life cycle, there were glades filled to the brim with small shrubs on fire with bright reds, there were glens filled with bright yellow leaves from floor to as high as the eye could see, there were emerald green carpets of lawn and rusty russet stands of oak. We even saw some fauna, a copperhead snake that was really beautiful. Thankfully it was quite sluggish because of the cool temperatures since, I am told, they are extremely poisonous. At points, the forest would clear to a rocky face angled gently enough for us to easily walk across. It was at these spots that we got the most amazing views of the environs, some of which literally took our breath away. The Hudson River is always impressive but seeing it from a bird's eye view was even more so.
There were some surprises along the way...Simon and Glenn both love Lord of the Rings...surprising to me because I have never thought twice about it, also surprising is that I saw not one squirrel during our hike. Wild squirrels must keep their distance I guess. All in all it was a great day. I think I could get hooked on the hiking thing, it was great exercise, not boring at all, and a good way to spend some time with people. Maybe when the weather warms back up I'll look for somewhere else to hike, Simon suggested the Mohawk Trail so I'm keeping that in mind. Any takers for the spring?
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
I am sitting at my desk at work, eating the scariest chicken soup I have ever eaten. The meat looks like shredded human flesh but I am so hungry that I am eating it anyway. Even the dog here just sniffs the meat and walks away. He never turns down food.
In other news, I flew this weekend. To Illinois. Via Detroit. As a reminder and for those of you just joining us, I developed this perhaps understandable apprehensiveness about flying after 9/11. I have never been a fan of flying but I think watching what happened that day gave me the opinion that there is really no valid reason for human beings (who are for all intents and purposes terrestrial beings) to hurtle through the air at high speed at altitudes that do not sustain life, seated above huge tanks of flammable liquid. Well, there is one reason, let's call it love or acute affection, or maybe a simple crush...I haven't wanted to classify it yet. But it was enough to get me on a plane.
So off I went to Illinois for what some might call a booty call, but I don't. I have been "dating" this guy since May when we met in Rehoboth. It has never been exclusive but lately, I find myself drawn to him more and more. Yes, I know...I constantly write about guys that I am involved with or interested in but I honestly feel this is different. The reason it's different is because it would be so hard to make a reality. It would take work. It would take time. It would take committment. For the first time in a long time, I want all those complications. I don't want to go the easy route anymore. I have even halted my online dating. The best thing is that there are things that irritate me about him but I have no desire to change them...some of you will know what I mean. I guess in my mind it means that I can accept him for who he is. I'm not glossing over his flaws, I am seeing them as part of who he is. That is what always made my relationship with my ex work, we both acknowledged the flaws and just let them be what they were.
Well, on my flight out, we had an engine catch on fire. On the way back, we lost our hydraulic system. Made for interesting flight delays and aircraft changes. But I got to see a part of the world that I had only driven through in the dark. Not really that exciting but certainly a change of scenery from NYC. Being there let me clear my head and my lungs. Now I have a clearer sense of where I want to take my life and what changes I need to make. I also think I may have had a couple of conversations with God, which is interesting because I swear God doesn't exist. Standing in a corn field with only the sound of the wind and the sun setting in front of you is a more powerful experience than I can explain. All I know is that for some unknown reason, I have become completely calm about what it is I need to do with my life since then. It will happen, the way it should, the way I need it to, to get myself back on track and to a better life.