Monday, September 30, 2002
So, tomorrow I embark upon a month long journey of sobriety. Yes boys and girls, Mikey is going to avoid the sauce for a month to A.) make sure he can still do it. B.) to give my poor liver a break., and C.) to save some money. The most compelling reason is my liver to be honest. My doctor suggested it as my enzymes were off recently when I had a blood test. The path of my journey is fraught with perils however. I live yards from Barrage, my local watering hole. My friends like to drink. I will be having a houseguest from Great Britain. Halloween is coming. But...I think I can prove to myself that alcohol is something that I can live without. It will give me back my Saturday mornings. I believe this is the first step in gaining full control of the life. "Health, health, health Darling..."
What does one do when one lives in a city that is as fast-paced and exciting as New York in the 21st Century? One cleans out one's desk drawers all weekend of course!
Friday, September 27, 2002
It's all about control really, isn't it?
I had somewhat of a nice talking to last night by a very important friend in my life. He seemed to make so much sense out of what I considered my confusing life situation. I just need to take back control...of my money, my job situation, where I want to live, who I want in my life...and stick with my decisions. I have been waffling too long.
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
If you haven't gotten the new GusGus album "Attention" yet, stop reading this, run out to the store and buy it NOW! My GOD! What are you waiting for?!?!
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
Somedays I love being in New York so much that it hurts. The faces passing me all look beautiful. The way the sun bounces off the millions of windows and how it glows on the sides of the buildings is magical. The noise and the crowds are exciting. But it is a man-made world and I don't always love being here. Sometimes, it seems like its only purpose is to crush out anything natural, environmental or organic. This can be unnerving since I cleary recognize that I am an organic being. The streets are walled to the sky. The sky becomes a distant blue ceiling, nothing more. There is no horizon to mention. The sidewalks don't give when you step...they defy you and remain ridged. There is very little in the city that is soft and comforting. It is a world that constantly pushes down on you and reminds you that your are just a small part of it, not the other way around. Even when you leave it controls you..."Where are you from?" must be answered with a "Manhattan" or "New York" and all the imagery and preconceived notions in questioner's head fill in the gaps of they don't know about you.
So when I go away and walk on grass, or stand in front of a beach cottage, or pass under old, healthy trees shading my path, or feel the sand between my toes, I am amazed. Things I took for granted as a child seem so magical. I had a friend ask me what I find so special about the beach. I had no answer other than I like the ocean. But I have thought about it for most of the summer and the answer came to me this weekend. When I am standing on the beach, knee-deep in the water, looking out to the horizon, I feel a part of something. The water is soft and seems to hug you. The sand tugs at your feet almost playfully, like it remembers you and is greeting you. I feel bigger there, I don't just blend into the background, I can breathe. Looking out to the horizon and being able to see where the blue sweep of sky meets the surface of the ocean reminds me that there is more beyond what I can see and that I have to keep my mind open to possibilities I don't even know are there. The sky itself, sometimes cloudy, sometimes completely clear but ever-changing reminds me that nothing is permanent and that change is the way of the world. For the most part, the beach itself looks the same as it has for millions of years, sand, sea, sky and sun; it is in perfect balance. It is not man-made. So in a way, when I am there, I feel that I am in balance and part of the greater organism that is the planet on which we live.
There's no place like summer...click, click, click How does one squeeze one more beach weekend out of summer? One goes to Rehoboth Beach on a very summerlike September weekend.
On Friday night, I went out with Nick, Charlie (yes, the Blogstalker visiting from New Orleans), Sparky, and Charlie's friend David. We went to a bar downtown...not far from Wall Street called, "The Downtown Bar". It was "hyper-trendy" and at first I wasn't enjoying myself. But eventually I relaxed and got into the vibe that the club seemed to have. It was full of attractive, late 20's to mid 40's homos, most of whom seemed to be of the Chelsea persuasion. I got beyond that quickly enough. There was dancing and I surprisingly took off my shirt for a short while. Amanda LaPore was on the stage. I got to "snog" with an attractive blond guy. It was fun. Well all of this is leading in to the fact that I was to be leaving for Rehoboth early on Saturday morning. Early turned into 11:30 since I didn't get home until 5:30 am. Oops. It was worth it though.
On Saturday, my friend Billy and I left the city in Billy's car after sitting in Lincoln Tunnel traffic for the better part of an hour. By the time we got to Rehoboth it was about 4:30 or so. We had to find a place to stay, meet up with my latest love interest (we'll call him Jack) who was also going to be there, I had to try to get in touch with Jimbo, and figure out dinner. Before launching into the hubbub, we took the opportunity to sit on the beach in the late afternoon sun for an hour or so sipping on a couple of Coronas. While sitting there, this older gentleman (who turned out to be an annoying pest the rest of the weekend) stopped to chat and recommended a couple of places for us to stay. I called Jimbo and made tentative plans to meet at the Blue Moon and then placed a call to Jack to try to arrange for dinner. Well, everything worked out, but slightly off schedule. Because of that, our group of 7 never met up with Jimbo's group, I feel bad about that. Jack is a sweetheart. Why can't I find the nice guys here in NYC? He is moving to Illinois so that effectively ends that.
Sunday was spent at the beach. I actually played volleyball all afternoon. I got lots of sun and went swimming, too. It seemed just like mid-summer. It was great. I got to play some pool with Jack and his friends, had a little Mexican food, and had a few beers. My friend Billy wanted to stay another night, so I got to snuggle with Jack again that night. I find it so much easier to fall asleep next to someone than I do alone. Physically, Jack is the best looking person I have ever dated. He is stocky and very masculine. His face is strong and appealing. His stuble is rough and thick and he wears a soul patch. His head is shaved and perfectly shaped. He is fuzzy on his chest and his legs and ass should be illegal. I'm not a bag of manure but I feel that he is definitely out of my league. I love looking at him though. It is really nice to be attracted to someone who is actually universally attractive. I usually fall for guys who are quirkly looking, who most of my friends don't think are that attractive even though I do. But Jack has met my friends and they all thought he was good-looking. My dad says that for the entire 40 years they have been together, he has never taken his eyes off my mother because he thinks she is so beautiful. I know what he means now. I have a very hard time taking my eyes off Jack. I think he is getting sick of me telling him how handsome I think he is...but I mean it and he knows I do. I like his personality, too. He is slightly more introverted than me when it comes to emotions but he is fun and intelligent and easy to talk to. But all of that is for nought, like I said, he is moving to the midwest...Tomorrow.
Billy said it seems as though the further away from me a guy lives, the better I like him! He said if Jack ever moved to NYC, it would be over. I wonder how much of that is true?
Friday, September 20, 2002 The Whole Story(and I don't mean the best of Kate Bush)
Okay, so for Labor Day weekend, I was invited to go to a city other than my own to visit a guy that I have been dating over the summer. We have had some ups and downs since we met in May but for the most part we liked each other. He has recently just become employed again as a waiter, but he is looking for employment back in his career path. He asked me to bring my computer with me when I came to visit so that he could send resumes. He said that his roommate had taken the power cord to his computer with him when his roommate went away for the weekend and it would be a big help if I could bring mine since he has lost his. I said okay. When I got there we found that since we both have IBM Thinkpads, the cord from mine worked just fine with his so my computer wasn't needed. I let him use my cord and I put my computer back in my suitcase. Later that weekend, Labor Day morning to be exact, I got up early, exercised on the home gym his roomie has, showered and asked if he wanted to go for breakfast. He said he wanted to take a shower and relax a little but would I mind going to the store and getting food and coffee. We could eat at home. I said sure. Off I went. When I got back he was acting differently but I couldn't put my finger on it. I brushed it off to my being paranoid or his being tired or something. The next morning, I returned to New York. That Friday evening I got a call from him that started with the sentence, "I can't trust you." I asked why and he hemmed and hawed for a while until he finally said, I went through your computer on Monday when you went to the store. I was furious. He had gone into my suitcase, booted up my computer, somehow bypassed my password which I hear is not hard to do in Windows 98, and logged onto my AOL account, went through my picture files, went through my computer journal (that is basically my diary that NOBODY reads but me) and got this impression of me based on things that are very private and very personal. Stuff that you share with someone only after you have known them for a while. Keep in mind that I have been very single for 3 years so you can imagine all of the naked pictures of different men that I have...mind you, I haven't slept with most of them, but he thought I had. He didn't like that I had several screen names on AOL but who doesn't and what business is it of his anyway? So...I feel violated and I feel that he has some nerve to say HE doesn't trust ME. I didn't go snooping into his personal things. It just isn't right and that is the whole story.
Thursday, September 19, 2002
Question: If someone goes through your computer without your permission and then tells you that they can't trust you , do you tell them to get out of your life? Or do you let it slide? Comment please.
What's for lunch? Who wants to join me? I want to sit for hours at a cafe, sipping cappucino and reading the New York Times...but lunch has become a game of how fast can I scoff down a sangwich before the phone rings again. It's a shame because it is the perfect day for the cafe experience.
I forgot a "p" in impromptu...oops...fixed it though.
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
I put it through its paces.
I said it over and over.
I wrote it out and looked at it.
I used it in a sentence and it got someone's attention...
so I'm adding a new word to my list of favorites:
Monday, September 16, 2002
The last of the list of 100...
66. Watching Captain Kirk on Star Trek as a boy used to give me a stiffy.
67. I have an abundant gift of gab. Sometimes I talk too much. If I don't say anything to you, it usually means I don't like you.
68. I am horrible at making a decision, sometimes I have people make them for me.
69. I was in therapy for a year before my breakup and for two years after my breakup just to get psyched to do it and then to be able to handle the situation. It was very difficult for me.
70. I never wanted to live in New York yet here I am...see #68.
71. If my entire life could be like it was in 1994, I would be a very happy man.
72. For some strange reason, I believe in astrology.
73. I like being an uncle.
74. I never want children of my own.
75. It frightens me to think of the day when both of my parents are dead.
76. I constantly worry about becoming infected with HIV and practice safer sex, but in my heart of hearts I think I will handle it well if it does happen.
77. I dream in colors that are more vivid than real life.
78. Give me a plate of fried lobster, french fries and a Harpoon Ale and I will be your best friend for life.
79. Shoes are too expensive.
80. Everyone should drive across the country at least once.
81. The sunset in Key West is nice but not the earthshattering event they market it as, I've seen much prettier ones in Provincetown.
82. I have been to the following states: Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, West Virginia, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California, and Nevada.
83. I didn't care much for Oklahoma.
84. Ich kann Deutsch.
85. I love to body surf and I do it as often as humanly possible.
86. My dad wanted me to play hockey as a kid, so I did. But much to his chagrin, I skated around the ice thinking I was Dorothy Hamel while the other boys were playing hockey. You'd think that he would have sent me to ice skating lessons...but no.
87. I love the phrase, "much to my chagrin..."
88. Bible thumping, Christian fundamentalists work my very last good nerve. I hope there is a hell and they all go there.
89. Pepsi or Coke? Coke.
90. Suzy Q's...oh. my. god. Haven't had one for years, might get one tonight.
91. I would like to live in San Diego one day.
92. I would like to live in London...now.
93. For the most part, I like hot weather over cool or cold weather.
94. I hate to fly, but turbulence doesn't really bother me.
95. My shoe size is an 11.
96. I have a theory that by looking at a man's thumb and the size and shape of his ears, you can pretty much tell how big his willy is...I am usually right.
97. This is my last item because of my previous mis numbering...
It was rainy but warm yesterday. I didn't really do much over the weekend. Papers were piled on my desk, the bed was unmade, clothes were strewn around the apartment, dirty towels in the bathroom and dishes soaking in the sink. It's pretty much still that way today except I don't have to look at it because I am at work. Well, the dishes are different...this morning's, I did strip the bed and remake it, I sorted my clothes and made a half-assed attempt to clean the bathroom. I did however make it to the gym on both Saturday (arms) and Sunday (legs) so I feel that I accomplished something, and I am not the slovenly, lazy bastard that my mind reminds me I am every chance it gets.
i have issues. but i also recognise this fact and do what i can to resolve those issues. i may have spent a long time letting those issues control me, but now i'm ready to take the upper hand and wonder about the world around me. i'm getting to be well-balanced, but i'm not quite there yet.
Friday, September 13, 2002
I was watching Parkinson on BBCAmerica the other day. His guest was Cybill Shepard. I have never really thought much of her, although Moonlighting and Cybill were both pretty good shows. But when asked what the secret to the longevity of her career, she responded quite eloquently and intelligently by saying (roughly) that there is no secret, she is just lucky enough to know when to get on the train before it leaves the station. She said the only thing that seperates her from other models cum actresses is her ability to see an opportunity and take advantage of it. That stopped me in my tracks. I had never looked at it that way...I often think that other people get opportunities and I don't and now I realize how wrong I was.
Last January, I was accepted into the Teach for America program. I have always wanted to be a teacher. There is nothing I want more than that. The program assigns you to a school here in New York (there are other locations nationwide) and they give you a crash course in teaching. They get you certified, assigned to a school and then they mentor you for two years while you earn you master's degree that they pay for. The catch is that the pay is very low, about $31,000 if I recall. Anyway, after getting my acceptance, I turned it down. I LET THE TRAIN LEAVE THE STATION!!! I thought back then that I couldn't last that long without a proper job and that I would get something well paying soon. Well, I did last that long and I haven't gotten anything else and now all I can think about is how I let that opportunity go. Everyone keeps telling me that hindsight is 20/20 but I knew that I wanted this. I had to go through quite an acceptance process. I was jumping up and down when I got my acceptance letter. Then for reasons pertaining to only money, I said no. No. I said..."No." I am kicking myself and I wish I had said, "Yes." All I can hear now is that train whistle blowing in the distance...and the sound is fading as it moves away from me.
51. When I die, I want the song "The Same Deep Water as You" by the Cure played from loudspeakers in the cemetary as they lower me into the ground.
52. My favorite ice cream flavor is Orange Pineapple.
53. I drink coffee like it is going out of style.
54. I don't like peanut butter but I'll eat it.
55. When I was three, I stuck all my fingers between the door and the door jam of a door my sister was closing. She proceeded to close the door...and lock it. It took a lot of coaxing by my mom to get her to open the door, when she did, I immediately passed out. Not a single finger was broken.
56. I love the beach more than anyplace else on earth.
57. I love the Sea of Tranquility more than anyplace else on the moon.
58. I weigh 190 lbs.( I think that is 14 and a half Stone)
59. I am fairly promiscuous.
60. My old car was a Toyota Tercel named Skippy.
61. I haven't owned a car since July 1996.
62. My mother calls me once in a while with the "Who has died and who is deathly ill" report.
63. I suffer from migraines which come on suddenly, strongly and are quite debilitating.
64. I like the stank.
65. I LOVE mashed potatoes.
So tomorrow is the anniversary of the most terrifying day of my life thus far.
A day when I felt unsure of what might happen to my friends, New York and me at any given moment.
A day when I felt truly unsafe within the borders of my own country.
A day when the unthinkable became reality.
A day when the city I live in proved how civilized its residents are as strangers showed compassion and support to strangers, calm thankfully prevailed over the chaos, and there was no trace of looting or rioting.
A day when I actually, finally and fully realized just how mortal we all are.
A day so perfectly sunny, clear and beautiful that it just added to the surreal feeling of the whole event.
A day I want to forget but can't, and won't, and actually need to remember.
A day that was supposed to be like any other day, but turned out to be like no other.
A day when the meaning of "just an ordinary day" stopped meaning something boring and became something that everyone wished September 11, 2001 was.
I hope September 11, 2002 is just that...an ordinary day.
Thursday, September 05, 2002
In my 100 list, I have two 18's, two 19's and two 33's! Do you think I should add that I don't pay much attention to detail?
1. I was born in Massachusetts.
2. I grew up in New Hampshire.
3. I used to feel like throwing up everytime someone threw a ball at me because I could not catch.
4. I told my mother when I got my first pubic hair, she was mildly amused but supportive.
5. I like my feet.
6. I have lived in New York City since June 1996.
7. I have complained about living in New York City since May 1996!
8. I am terrified of horses, I will cross the street if there is a mounted cop on the side of the street I am walking.
9. I used to live in Munich Germany and would move back in a second.
10. I have been truly in love only once.
11. I have a tendency to oversleep when I need to be somewhere, like catching a train or a flight.
12. If I had the guts I would be a comedian.
13. I have a tendency to view the world in black and white terms...something I find useful but my therapist thought I should change.
14. I love beer.
15. Newcastle Brown Ale is my favorite beer.
16. Bass Ale is my second favorite beer.
17. Harpoon (from Boston) is my favorite domestic beer.
18. A dirty martini will get me drunker than a skunk in 10.2 seconds.
19. I like to watch men undress.
18. I am a closet leatherman.
19. I stopped wearing antiperspirant last year...I am afraid of Alzheimer's disease.
20. My favorite time of day is right before sunset.
21. When my ex and I broke up, I cried every morning when I woke up for six months...looking back, it made me stronger.
22. The color green is my favorite.
23. I am more nervous in the suburbs than I am in the city.
24. I look like my dad, but I act like my mom.
25. I was a gymnast in high school.
26. My birthday is February 12, 1966.
27. There is nothing more soothing than the sound of the ocean.
28. Lightening fascinates me.
29. I tend to fall asleep on my right side but then I rollover onto my back.
30. I have a green thumb that I don't get to use much.
31. I believe that people are basically good.
32. I watched the Twin Towers fall with my own eyes, not on TV.
33. I don't believe in God but I did say a prayer for the people who were in those buildings that day out of respect.
33. In my opinion, Americans are misunderstood and get a bad rap because we have such arrogant politicians.
34. I don't like the Beatles...at all.
35. Hippies used to freak me out when I was a kid.
36. I am a registered Social Democrat.
37. I have never missed an election.
38. Money management and I are complete and total strangers.
39. Therapy saved my sanity...group therapy drove me insane.
40. I have a sister (older) and a brother (younger).
41. When I was a kid I wanted to be (at one time or another), a dentist, a writer, a weatherman, a painter, a singer and a millionaire.
42. Now I just want to be happy.
43. If I could travel everyday of the rest of my life, I would be very happy.
44. I will not go to a horror movie. Actually I won't go to any movie that has blood and or guts.
45. I was raised Catholic but not one single priest ever tried anything with me...now I have an inferiority complex. Wasn't I attractive enough for them? Huh?
46. For many years I was ashamed of being gay...then I came out. Then it was just a difficult topic. Now it's practically a non-issue.
47. I wore braces for 5 years.
48. I like boobs in theory, but don't make me touch one.
49. My drag name is Farrah Phenalia and I was interviewed once in full drag at Wigstock by some Canadian television station.
50. Calamari is disgusting.
I'm trying to make my site more exciting and interactive. To use a term I hate...stickier. So I signed up for Blog*spot Plus but I can't fucking sign on to the ftp site...too many anonymous users or some such nonsense. I'll keep trying. Plus it seems like my comments are down all the time. I need to take a course in Web design. I do. Really.
In other news, I met someone this weekend whose first question to me was, "Have you seen the movie 'Party Girl?'. Have I? Have I? It is my favorite movie and Parker Posey is my one obsession. We spent the next three hours quoting lines from the movie...on and off. We will be friends for life. "He-he-helllllooooo!"
Tuesday, September 03, 2002
I traveled out of town this weekend...I actually wrote a long-hand passage in my journal on the train ride to Delaware. I haven't written in long hand for a while and it felt actually rather good. The woman next to me kept looking over at the page I was writing on and then to up to my face as if I were some kind of freak and she was trying to figure out exactly what it was that I was doing...my impression on her thoughts was "I think they used to call that writing...hmmm...people used to do that instead of reading vapid magazines or watching television. I wonder why he's doing that...I hope it's not contagious."
My entry..."Friday: Quite a struggle to get to the train. 3:05 to Wilmington. I couldn't get a cab so I ended up walking, with luggage, from 47th Street to 33rd Street. Although it is overcast and 'cool' it is still August so there is a certain level of humidity to deal with. It's not like the beginning of July but there is enough to make the sweat bead on my forehead and run down my back.
I didn't have to work today, so I got some long ignored errands done. Specifically, laundry, and also a little rearranging of the apartment which I had started last weekend and should complete by mid-September. Packing, showering, shaving, getting dressed - none of it took very long. Manuevering down 8th Avenue at 2:30 pm on a Friday before a holiday weekend is never an easy or pleasurable task. It takes on the characteristics of a human obstacle course except the gates keep moving as you try to pass them. Human obstacles that seem to have absolutely no idea that you are walking toward them until you walk right into them as they jump in front of you. The contact with your body seems to rouse them from some sort of waking, twilight sleep in which they have no idea they are stumbling around in until you bumped into them. The look of shock is universal - believe me, I have walked into many a person in my career of being a New Yorker. People always seem surprised to find that there are other people sharing the sidewalk with them. It is beyond comical. Today I had to go around kiosk vendors stocking shelves with their asses jutting out half way across the sidewalk; clumps of women standing on corners, chatting, oblivious to the fact that they were blocking foot traffic coming from both the street and the avenue directions; tourists walking 'mall style' (3 or 4 across) and at a snail's pace; and the odd person just stopping dead in their tracks in front of me.
When I finally arrived at the station, red-faced and sweaty, the lines for the ticket machines were unbelievable. I hoped into the shortest one. The two people at the machine were basically 'browsing' the screen. I stood impatiently watching them. The two women behind them (directly in front of me) were getting a little vexed as well. After about two minutes of this, I had had enough. I asked the two women what train they were trying to catch - 3:08 to somewhere - it was now 2:56, so I said to the window shoppers at the machine, 'Could you hurry it up? People have trains to catch.' They turned, looked shocked, and walked immediately away from the machine! They were indeed just messing around with it. My mouth dropped. The next two women tried to buy a ticket for the 3:08 to East Buttfuck but it did not appear on the screen - I stepped in and kind of lied when I said - 'If it's not on the screen, it means it is sold out.' I think that is true but it might not be. Oops. It got me to the machine though because they stepped aside. I got my ticket, by-passed the line trying to get down the escalator to Track 12 by going to the Mezzanine level and shooting to the track via the secondary stairs, my favorite shortcut. Because of the shortcut, I got onto the train before most of the crowd waiting upstairs - it is the reason I am now sitting comfortably in a seat, on a sold out train, while others are standing around me."