So in the spirit of being down in the dumps, and having found myself to be at a low point of my life (things are bound to get better) I did all those things that people do to acknowledge that they are depressed. Listening to music, eating fattening foods and shopping. I figure, why fight it? Run with it and get it over with. So, I went for a walk at lunch and listened to depressing music on my walkman. Then I got McDonald's for lunch...Large Quarter Pounder with cheese Value Meal, some of those fish fingers, and two apple pies. Then after work I went shopping and bought myself a pair of sneakers at Sketchers. I like them...they have that grey, royal blue, bright yellow thing going on with black mesh inserts for ventilation. I like them although they are not the trendiest of sneaks...they are more like walk around shoes. I have needed new ones for two years and these weren't expensive so I snatched them up. Then I went home, laid in bed and turned on the tv. I watched tv from 8:30 until 11:30...I only got up to make a tuna fish sandwich and then to go out and buy a quart of Ben and Jerry's Triple Carmel Chunk ice cream that I ate in one sitting. I didn't speak a word to anyone all night. I didn't clean, or straighten up, or hang up my clothes or even brush my teeth before bed. I just let myself be in the dumps.
You know what? Today I feel amazingly better! I guess there is no point for fighting an emotion when you feel it. It's happening for a reason so go with it.
Is it me or does he look really hot in that picture???!!!
So, what is a guy to do?
I got really cold feet on Friday regarding the guy that I like. He just moved back to Delaware from Dallas and wanted to see me this weekend. We had had some conflict during the week prior about my sleeping with another guy (he was upset, I was unbothered) so I had made other plans for the weekend. I never called him all weekend long because I just needed to be away. He said he's not sure he wants to see me anymore.
I had lunch with my friend Rachel last week. She moved from New York to Auckland last summer and came back for a short visit. We went to lunch and made the mistake of not inviting my best friend to join us. He is pissed at me and told me to fuck off permanently because I am an "emotional vampire" (his words). I am really hurt and devestated because he told me that we aren't friends anymore.
My mom called me last night to tell me that my dad had been in the hospital over the weekend. She hadn't been able to reach me. She was upset because she was really scared and wanted to talk to me because for some reason I always have a calm head when it comes to health issues. I thought for sure she was going to start scolding me for not getting back to her when she left a message...she didn't. She said she wants me to come visit and spend vacation with them, even though I cancelled because of work. I think she needs her kids around right now. She said she isn't sure that my dad can do all the packing of the car by himself and he said that it would be great if Mike would come up to be part of it. I haven't felt needed in years. It made me feel so good I started to cry. I asked for the two weeks off today and am waiting to hear back from the boss. Leave it to a mother to make you feel better without even knowing it. The rest of the world can fall into a ditch for all I care.
Monday, July 29, 2002
I am fucking up my life royally. What is it with me...when things are going well, I always have to have some kind of emotional overreaction that pisses off everyone around me. Most of the time it is because I don't really know what I want from my friends, from people who are interested in me, or my family. I got pissed off at someone I care about on Friday, so in my passive-aggressive way I just didn't call him all weekend although we did have tentative plans to get together. Then I figured out that my host for the weekend (Fire Island) has an interest in me. That is fine but I just don't see myself with anyone right now. Instead of being adult and telling him that I like spending time with him but I don't see it being anymore than it is, I stayed out all night with strangers, sending him home by himself and not showing up until mid afternoon on Sunday. Granted I did sleep very late on Sunday but it still didn't make it right to ignore my host like that.
I also bumped into someone that I had a strong interest in but haven't heard from in a while. He was nice to me but I could tell that the interest on his part was gone. He is body beautiful and was hanging with all the other body beautiful guys. I felt like the ugly step sister when I was talking to him and his friends. When I walked away I felt like the Hunchback of Notre Dame slinking away and wondering if they were staring at my hump as I left.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I feel these feelings? Why do I ignore other feelings? Why can't I get it right? I always want to be treated in a certain way but I have a tendency to treat people in a manner that I would find unacceptable. That has to change. It makes me feel terrible about who I am and makes me question if I am a good person afterall. I try to be but then I do stupid things that make people mad and it undercuts anything good I feel about myself.
Friday, July 26, 2002
oh...I guess I'm back thanks to pep talks from Scally and my friend Alan...I'm feeling much better about life in general.
My life defined...
"Great white stretches of canvas signed by a godless name.
Strange bright colors of madness only a fool would frame.
Sketches of pain,
Sketches of pain,
Sketches of pain."
Tears for Fears, "Sketches of Pain" from "Raoul and the King of Spain"
Wednesday, July 24, 2002
I don't feel like blogging anymore. I probably will continue but I just feel like my problems are getting too big to discuss in a public forum right now. So, I think I'm going to take a short break and think about things. I'll get back to you soon.
Monday, July 22, 2002
Sometimes you meet someone, and you like them, and you tell them you like them, and then they start showing their true colors, and you don't like what you are learning about them. You tell them how things are with you ("Yes, I am still going to sleep with other people.") but they don't listen to you. Denial.
Then somehow, some big mouth gets word back to them that you slept with someone. Unbeknownst to you the big mouth made up the story. They ask you if you did sleep with someone. You don't want to lie...you don't need to lie. (remember: "Yes, I am still going to sleep with other people.) But you are confused because no one knows you slept with this person. So you say yes I did sleep with someone but it turns out that they thought you slept with a different person so you have basically just ratted yourself out. Oy. Person is hurt but in my opinion being possessive from too many miles away for it to matter. Then I think, "Was it wrong to be so honest?" I don't think so, but this does tie in with the brutally honest side of me that constantly gets me into trouble and apparently many people have a problem with.
So what is all the bullshit about then when people say, "Just tell me the truth." and you do and then they hate you for not lying because the truth you tell them is harder to accept than any lie you could have created and they would have accepted because that would be easier.
Thursday, July 18, 2002
Today is my favorite type of summer day. It has been muggy and opressive all day and the skies have slowly clouded over. Now there is the impending threat of thunderstorms. Where I grew up, in southern New Hampshire, that would mean we would have a cool evening once the thunderstorms passed by. Here in New York City it means even more humidity as the water evaporates off the hot buildings, tarred streets and concrete sidewalks. It is somewhat akin to throwing water on the hot rocks in a sauna...it rapidly brings up the humidity. But if I get home in time, I'll be able to watch the lightening from my windows. Being on the 5th floor has many disadvantages, but a major advantage is a view. I have one. I can see the sky from my little nest. I have an unobstructed view of the World Wide Plaza. In the winter, it reflects the sun into my north facing windows all day, making my apartment surprisingly bright and cheery dispite the fact that the sun only shines into my windows directly for about 2 hours a morning from the beginning of May until the end of August. This unobstructed view also affords me a great site line to lightening bolts as they hit the taller buildings around me. It is actually very cool during really intense thunderstorms. The weekend isn't going to be as humid so I'll enjoy it while I can.
By the way, I have been taking scads of digital pictures that I would like to post but I can't figure out how. It would be cool to have a way to generate random pictures at the top of my page to give you all a look at my photographic skills and eye...but being not so blog savvy...it is a daunting task for me. Anyone have any ideas or resources I can look into?
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
If I stay in the city this weekend, I think I want to go here to their fabu Saturday party...anyone care to join?
I think I have hit a dry patch. I have plenty to write about but I just can't gather it up into a logical format. So my blog has remained unupdated for days now. Things are okay on this end though. I have a little medical problem but I have seen a doctor and things are improving...very minor infection but it was messing up my balance (it's in my ear) so it needed to be attended to. I might be heading up to New Hampshire for the weekend because just about everyone in my family has their birthday in July...my sister, my dad and my two nieces, my nephew's birthday is at the beginning of August so he'll be included too... and my mom is throwing a large combined birthday party for everyone. I think I should fly but I'm not sure that I want to get in plane. The train should suit me just fine. Hopefully the weather will cooperate, I hear that they have been having a shitty summer.
Friday, July 12, 2002
I keep adding new blogs that I like to read to my sidebar. I added one today, David M in London. It's interesting...I recently re-connected my counter and have found that I get over 50 hits a day. Some might not think that is interesting but I do...I have found referrals from blogs that I didn't even know I was linked to and I also found a blog where I was quoted (I wrote down the link to that one because I quite liked it and now I seem to have mislaid it so, if you are the woman who writes the blog with the quick one line observations and quoted me about gay pride, drop me an email, I'd love to read your blog again.)
All of this has made me think...who out there reads me that I don't know about. Who am I not linked to that I "should" be. It's fascinating. All of this started so that I could keep in touch with a friend who lived in London without having to email everyday. Now he lives in Australia and I have made quite a few friends both here and there through this blog thing. If you are out there, and read me, and want me to link to you or read your blog, let me know. I also added a picture from gay pride to my "Well, what's he look like?" link. I stretched it on purpose to give it that "Opening credits from a 60's British spy movie" feel. Also makes me look younger that way.
Thursday, July 11, 2002
There is something about having a man splayed out on the bed in front of me (naked, completely relaxed and pretty much raring to go) that makes me feel really sexy and desirable and SOOO happy that I like men. Being able to run my hands up and down his body, especially his legs and feet, is the stuff that dreams (mine anyway) are made of. A guy that I am interested in spent the night last night. He's a hottie...furry chest, legs, arms but completely smooth ass and back. His butt is perfect...round, firm and unblemished...and wonderful to touch. His head is shaved smooth even though he has a full head of hair. He has a light goatee and deep brown eyes. He's stockier than me and with a nice firm body. He is probably one of the best looking guys I have been attracted to in a long while. I won't be seeing him for a while though because he is going to South America for a few weeks, but the sight of him walking away from the bed toward the bathroom this morning, and the breath-taking view of his ass that it afforded me, will keep me going for quite a few weeks! I wish I had taken a picture.
From THE ONION:
Name Of Gay Bar Should Have Been Clearer
CHICAGO—After accidentally walking into a gay bar Monday, Jeff Pierce, 23, said the name of the establishment failed to clearly telegraph its orientation. "I can see how Rods sounds gay," Pierce said, "but it's just not as crystal-clear as it could be." Pierce urged the bar's owner to consider changing the name, suggesting The Manhole or Big Throbbing Homo Cocks.
Tuesday, July 09, 2002
I am now a "Blogger Pro". Resistance is futile.
Contrary to previous posts, I wore an Abercrombie T-shirt this weekend. However, in my defense, I borrowed it from someone else because it was hot and I needed something sleeveless. I still do not own anything Abercrombie but must say that it was very comfortable and well made.
I want to post pictures of my weekend but I forget how to do it. I want to tell you all about the fun, craziness, beautiful weather and having someone look me in the eyes and tell me he loves me. I just can't really come up with the words right now though because that person is going back to Dallas today for good and I can't think of anything else except that he's gone.
Wednesday, July 03, 2002
Just one more thing about the parade...
I guess after the seriousness of September 11th, I thought the parade would reflect a renewed commitment to dignity instead of wallowing in insipedness (is that a word?). I didn't see the whole parade, so I may have missed it, but I didn't see any mention or memorial to the gay people who died in the World Trade Center and the struggle some of their significant others are having in the legal process to be recognized as beneficiaries. Faggots dancing on a truck decorated with colored paper just doesn't cut it for me anymore. We need to stop being silly and start properly celebrating. I guess the only way to change this is to get involved with next year's parade in some way.
Ode to Canal Street Subway Station.
Every day I greet you,
fresh and clean
from my morning's hygiene.
And you, white and welcoming
(at first glance)
belch and fart your stenches at me
with the hot breath of a demon
or a dragon
Your floor is the playground of slime
your tracks of rats
your ceiling of grime
Revolting you are
revolting I say.
Like pus for a snack
that I must eat every day
before I can climb your stair
to the awaiting air
of Canal Street.
I love being gay. I love being around swarms of gay people. It is the freedom I always wanted as a kid and it is the reason I live in NYC. Some people love my comments about the parade on Sunday because they saw or feel the same. Some find me an uptight, straight-acting, Abercrombie queen, which I am not. I don't own any Abercrombie clothes. I am far from straight acting. Anyway...I wrote this to Glenn and thought it might explain some things a bit more...
"About the parade, you made a good point but I don't want homogeneity, just a united front. The common thread is being gay and it was very hard to find that. Now I know that a lot of people might argue that the parade is also transgendered and bisexual, but to the rest of the world that still falls in the category of homosex. The discouraging part is that half of the people in the parade were high out of their minds. I know the look, I used to wear it all the time. It was sad to see it on so many people. We still have to fight the feeling of being "less than" the rest of society. The parade made me feel like we are the freaks that the rest of the world fears. And I don't mean unique, intelligent, individual, creative freaks who make strides for the rest of us, I mean tragic, scary, fucked-up, dangerous freaks who people protect their children from. It was disconcerting."
Tuesday, July 02, 2002
Apparently there was a gay blogmeet in New York over the weekend that I didn't know about. I missed it and I'm bummed out. Arrgghhh.
Monday, July 01, 2002
Yesterday was Gay Pride in New York City. I could sit here and recount the events as they unfurled, but I won't. I spent the day with my friends (some of them anyway) and we had a nice time being together but Gay Pride itself was tragic. I asked my friend Ian, "Is this what it means to be gay?" and he just looked around and had no answer.
There were cheesy floats, and people exposing parts of their bodies that really should be covered, and rainbow "fashions" (we need to update the gay flag), and loudness, and obnoxiousness. There were people marching who were angry at the world, there were people marching who wore t-shirts saying "God made me this way", there were people marching for reasons I still don't quite comprehend. Anyway, it just seemed disorganized, trite and meaningless to me. There was no common thread. Every float had a DJ with the requisite beautiful body go-go boys. Even the Church groups had DJs and go-go boys. Starbucks had a float, why? It was bizarre.
Maybe I am getting old and jaded but it used to seem that people would march for visability. To state to the world that I am a fireman and I am gay or I am a school teacher and I am gay in a way that they couldn't do in their day to day lives. That seems to be out-of-date now. Maybe I'm wrong but at least in New York City you can be whatever you want and be gay as well. It is almost an incidental thing now, like having brown eyes. If people feel that this isn't the case, then the parade should be more of a statement than a circus. And a circus it was...a circus full of freaks. All around us were people doing frivolous things. At the parties (which I did not attend) I'm sure there were scads of boys coming from all over the country and perhaps the world to dress in ridiculous outfits and take truckloads of drugs all in the name of Pride. "Gee, I can go to a city I don't live in, look like a fool, make a spectacle of myself, risk getting arrested or worse an overdose, perhaps fall flat on my face in a public place and then jet back home to my job as a state trooper (true) or an attorney, or any number of "respectable" professions, but it's Pride so it's okay." No, it's not. People look at these events and gauge gay people by them. If you are going to act like idiotic, drug addicts, how the fuck is the rest of the world ever going to take us seriously? It was just annoying. I wanted it to be fun and uplifting but it wasn't. I felt disconnected from the "community". In fact, I find it harder and harder to believe there is just one gay community. Every gay person is so different and there are so many sub-groups that need to lable themselves it just breaks the "gay community" up into little slices. In a way it highlights the differences more than the similarities. I felt like it was more important for some people to state "I'm a born-again, transgendered, Asian lesbian into scarification, S/M and horse fucking, and I'm PROUD." than to just say, "I'm gay." I guess it's fine, but I can't relate to any of those things. I am certainly a proponent of diversity but I think gay pride should be simplier. We are gay, we have varied interests but we need to band together as a group. Yesterday left a bad taste in my mouth...it didn't make me feel empowered...and today, I'm not that proud to be gay.