Back on track, boys!

Well, what's he look like?


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Goings on:
Summer School Ending
Vacation looming near!

On the Walkman:
Bargrooves - Frosted
Sarah McLachlan...all CDs in High rotation

Today's activities:
Starting back at the gym
Enjoying summer

This weekend's activities:
Seeing my beau
Hanging out then flying to NH for a brief vacation

Favorite English Words:

Favorite German Words:

Check these guys: USA
My Holiday Film Exchange Exchangee
The Film Exchange Project
The Film Exchange
Canada Maurice
Uncle Hedgehog

Great Sites:
The Onion
HX New York
Useful Sites:
1 800 flowers
Crate & Barrel

blogchalk: Michael/Male/36-40. Lives in United States/New York/Hell

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Carpe Mañana
Wednesday, June 26, 2002
I like watching people in the heat. Especially if they are from out of town, dressed in their sparkling, bright pastels... smart tops and shorts and sensible "walking shoes". Sweating like pigs and grimacing against the onslaught of unfamiliar stenches that New York bellows forth in the heat. There is always a slight look of surprise on these tourists faces because they NEVER sweat this much. Well, when your rolly-polly life revolves around leaving your air-conditioned house, going to your air-conditioned garage, getting in your air-conditioned car and driving to your air-conditioned place of employment, you really don't have a true sense of how much perspiration a person can create because you live your life in the type of chilled state that would make a cucumber jealous. When I leave my apartment in the morning, it is hellish until I get in to work. I have gotten used to it. I find it amusing when others experience it for the first time and believe me, this morning in Times' Square at 10 am when the mercury had already hit 85 degrees, there were plenty of people who were literally melting in the heat.


Tuesday, June 25, 2002
I'm at an impasse. The list isn't working. Pro and Con are balancing out, so now I am looking inward. I keep asking myself what I want. It sounds like a simple question. But I keep getting the same terrifying answer, "I don't know." This is the root of all my problems. This explains everything. I don't know what it is that I want out of life. I don't have something that drives me. I don't have an all consuming passion in life. So I find myself floundering over and over again. Trying this and that and never really feeling that it is truly for me or my thing. Then I move on to flounder again. I am not focused on any one thing or even group of things. That scares me. Throw in the deversions (and perversions) one can keep one's self busy with in New York and it is very easy to ignore the fact that you have no self-purpose in life.

On the bright side, when I leave the city and go somewhere like Rehoboth, I have time to think and be with myself. I like that and I think that is a good sign. I'm not afraid of "me" and I don't dislike being with "me" I just don't think I have given myself enough time lately.

In my pro list I have written "Slower pace of life". Some people would call that boring. Right now though I think that is what I need to focus on. I need to give myself time and breathing space to find out what it is that I want. I get panicky though because I really should have done all this in college. I have friends who are doctors, lawyers, architects, accountants and so on who have always known that that is what they wanted to be. The only thing I ever wanted to be is a teacher. I keep talking myself out of it though because I keep saying that I could never make enough money as a teacher to survive. The one thing that I keep forgetting is that outside of New York I might just make enough money to survive as a teacher. So what is a guy to do. My rent is starting to get to be too much for me to keep up with. My bills are paid but for how much longer? Leaving New York scares me though because in the Con side, I have "Leaving all of your friends". I am afraid of that. I feel like a deer in the headlights, too afraid to move but knowing that I need to do something. It's times like this that I wish I could believe in a god of some sort so that I could ask for help. But I really don't. It would be hypocritcal to do so.

All it would take would be a few phone calls and some moving boxes and I could be on my way to a new life. But where and why and what for? What do I want?


Friday, June 21, 2002
Well kids, this is it. The first day of summer. Depressing isn't it. Spring is over and now the days start getting shorter until December. The upward swing of light over dark is what makes me happy. Now that it is reversed, well, let's just not think about that. So, summer began here in NYC at sometime around 9:34 this morning. I didn't feel a thing. That makes today the longest
day of the year. And it is sunny so I get to enjoy the high angle of the sun all day. It's nice when the sun is high in the sky, the streets are bright and most buildings don't block the light. Based on this little factoid, I have decided to go to Rehoboth for the weekend...again! I actually canceled plans in the city to make the trip. I was to go to Sparky's
rehousewarming on Saturday night and meet David
...and I was to go to the Fulsom Street East fair on Sunday...but now I'm not. It is going to be sunny and warm
and the ocean isn't a year round destination like New York City so, off I go. Maybe I'll even find a job down there and stay!


Thursday, June 20, 2002
Little things excite me.

I am sitting here happily munching away on my late lunch. I am particularly happy with lunch today because I was able to buy my current favorite sandwich - a chicken teryaki wrap with broccoli and basmati rice. The reason I say I was able to buy it is because sometimes they put red bell peppers in it (the sandwich is premade at the deli I go to) and when they do that, I have to pass because I am allergic to peppers. But today they made the wrap without peppers and I bought one. And I am eating it. And I am enjoying it emensely, so much so I had to stop and blog about it. It is delicious, nutritious and today will not cause any of those pesky stomach cramps and hives.


Wednesday, June 19, 2002
I've mentioned before that I am a list person. I make lists. I need them to survive. I refer to them for everything from errands, to shopping, to "to do" lists at work, to little reminders, to major life decisions. They are in my pocket, on the fridge, on my desk, in my manpurse, in drawers and even sometimes (yes, really) on the bathroom mirror in the morning. The major decision list is different from all my other lists though. It is composed of two columns instead of the usual one. The left column is labled "Pro" the right column is labled "Con". I am working on a Pro/Con list right now in regard to my decision to move from New York for the summer. I made the decision spur of the moment...I felt it was the right thing to do. But I haven't been sleeping well since I decided to do it because for the first time I made a major decision without a list. I can't handle it. I keep thinking...did I take everything into account? But I have no way of knowing since I have no list to consult. No list to add to or refer to or console myself with. The usual process is to jot down all the pros and cons I can think of then let the list sit for a day. I then go back and edit - adding, changing, expanding - my pros and cons until I feel I have looked at it from EVERY angle. (I am not a what you would call a spontaneous person for the most part). I haven't done that and it isn't working for me. I feel like I forgot something. I need to make the list. And I am. When it is done, I'll let you know how things worked out and maybe I can get some sleep.


Tuesday, June 18, 2002
Okay kids, decision made. I am going to move out of NYC for the summer to see if it is really what I want. If anyone who reads this knows of anyone who wants to sublet an apartment for July, August and September (and perhaps longer) for about $1400/month (including electric and cable) Let me know ASAP. Thanks.


Monday, June 17, 2002
The man I could easily fall in love with moved to Dallas today. It's probably for the best. We had a great weekend together but I probably am not ready for a real relationship and it would have been long distance anyway. I do feel like my future just flew away though. I haven't felt this comfortable with someone since the good years with the ex. It is an odd feeling to want to be around someone as much as possible. Hmmm. Anyway, as Patsy said to Edie in one of my favorite ABFAB episodes..."I'm not happy, Edie." to which Edie responds, "Well then why don't you just go be unhappy somewhere else." Sooo, once again I am thinking of moving...for the very reason that I am just not happy in NYC anymore. At least I don't think I am.


The man I could easily fall in love with moved to Dallas today. It's probably for the best. We had a great weekend together but I probably am not ready for a real relationship and it would have been long distance anyway. I do feel like my future just flew away though. I haven't felt this comfortable with someone since the good years with the ex. It is an odd feeling to want to be around someone as much as possible. Hmmm. Anyway, as Patsy said to Edie in one of my favorite ABFAB episodes..."I'm not happy, Edie." to which Edie responds, "Well then why don't you just go be unhappy somewhere else." Sooo, once again I am thinking of moving...for the very reason that I am just not happy in NYC anymore. At least I don't think I am.


Thursday, June 13, 2002
For the past couple of years, I have gone back and forth inside myself on the issue of being in a relationship versus being single. This past weekend reminded me how much I like being with someone. It's not that I mind being single. I don't dislike being single. In New York it's almost preferable because everyone you meet is so independent and has his own agenda. It's difficult to work your life in with people like that. Most of the guys I meet here say they want a relationship until push comes to shove. They want you around but they don't want to give up any of their current single life. You also get the feeling that they are constantly looking for something better. It's hard to explain. I don't necessarily want someone to change their life to be with me but I also expect that if you are in a relationship, you do give up some of your former complete freedom. You have to take the other person into account. In my experience, I am happier in general when I am in a relationship. Unfortunately, I won't be able to have one with the guy that I met in Rehoboth since he is moving to Dallas. Had he not been moving, I would have pursued it. Maybe it would have just been a summer romance. Maybe it would have become something more. It is impossible to say. The only thing I know is that when you meet the right type of person, things do click. You get that feeling. Embarking on a relationship should not be a chore. I think too many people try to force it and that is the problem. I've met a lot of guys over the past few years and it is rare to get that "click". Then I meet the one that clicks and well...good-bye. It just reminds me not to settle, and that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet a prince.


Tuesday, June 11, 2002
Side note...the gay beach at Rehoboth is called "Poodle Beach" and is at the end of Queen Street. Hysterical. These names were in place before the gay masses descended but may have contributed to attracting the boys to this strip of sand, don't you agree?


This weekend consisted of another flawless three days in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. Once again, uninterrupted sunshine and warm temperatures allowing me to frolick on the beach with the boys. It was Joe's birthday and we had a party at the house that turned out to be a lot of fun although some of the guests were...umm...lackluster. I returned momentarily to my younger days of bitchiness. It was after I had tried to introduce myself to this particular guy three times "Hi, I'm Mike." No response. Later..."Hi...I'm Mike." My hand extended, he turned his head. Last the hallway..."Excuse me..." he steps aside. "I'm Mike by the way." Eyes meet response...he turns away. "Fine, bitch. Whatever." I think to myself. Later, I am coming out of the bathroom, he is alone in the kitchen, he asks me (the nerve), "Where are the glasses?" To which I respond..."In the kitchen." He says, "I figure that. Where in the kitchen?" I say, "You're a big boy, you can figure it out yourself." Meow.

Anyway, later that night, on the dancefloor at the Renegade (also endearingly dubbed the "Rent-a-gay") my eyes fall upon a very sexy man. We smile at each other and the next thing I know, we are waking up next to each other. He's not classically handsome but very good looking and sexy and manly in the way that really drives me over the edge. And he's nice. And he had the sexiest voice. And he smells good. But I am getting ahead of myself. I ended up spending the rest of the weekend (Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon, Sunday evening, Sunday night, Monday morning, Monday afternoon, Monday evening) with him. At the beach, at tea, driving around, fooling around and lots and lots of kissing. I have to admit I haven't felt THIS way for a long time. I was as happy as a little girl. I dare say that I fell in love with this guy. I do believe in love at first sight. When I left him Monday evening to go home, I got teary for a while. Not blubby, just sad and teary. I really didn't think that could happen to me anymore. I guess my heart isn't the dead space I think it is. I know it was just two days but I got this really comfortable feeling with him. I felt that he would be well worth the effort of trying to get to know better and work into my life somehow. But, of course, there is always a catch. He is moving to Dallas on Saturday...for good. So there goes that. My life in a nutshell.

Song for the weekend - Zero 7 "Destiny". Perfect for this situation.


Friday, June 07, 2002
I went for drinks last night with this one...

It's nice to meet quality people. I'm exhausted today though, what with all the $3 drafts and all. Now off to the beach for some R&R.


Thursday, June 06, 2002
This is interesting, since I never met Sam... Compatibility Test

Your match with Sam
you are 93% similar
you are 92% complementary

How Compatible are You with me?


I always feel that I have to blog about something that means something...I wonder what it would be like to blog about the mundane. At least my mundane...for someone else, what to me is a mundane morning in NYC might be quite an experience. So here goes.

I woke up this morning and realized that the airconditioner had done its job too well and I was freezing. I pulled the blanket up higher around my neck and turned my head to see what time it was. 8:05. I had missed the alarm again. I think I forgot to set it. Last night's date was fun. Dinner at Midway in the Village, drinks at "g" and then home after a good night hug. No kiss. Interesting. I got out of bed and went to the window. Pulled up the blind and looked out toward the World Wide Plaza. It was cloudy and looked murky. Probably humid. I switched on the CD player and out came Everything but the Girl. "Good for this morning." I thought. I hadn't slept well because the burger I had at Midway kept me up half the night fighting the urge to puke. It was not pleasant. I went toward the bathroom realizing that the floor needed to be swept but no time now. I got to the bathroom, switched on the light and looked into the mirror. Still me. I picked up my toothbrush, dabbed on some Crest Extra Whitening and brushed. Then I flossed. Then I scraped my tongue. Ahhh. I started the water running in the bathtub. The cold tile had made the urge to pee strong so, I peed. I hopped into the shower and washed. I hate my shower. It is either too hot or too cold and the pressure is too low. This morning wasn't too bad but I would kill for a great shower. I finished up, dried off and did the personal hygeine thing. I stopped wearing deoderant/anti-perspirant a few months back and find that I sweat a lot less now, but every morning I find myself still reaching for it out of habit. I moisturized (Banana Republic Classic Body Cream...if you have dry skin, try it) and went to shave but I was out of scruffy today. I went back to the main room and got dressed, jeans, long-sleeve v-neck thing, Steve Maddens and grabbed my bag and walkman. Keys, open door, close door, lock both locks, down the stairs to the street. I stepped outside and realized that it was muggier than I had anticipated. The shirt was too warm, the jeans too heavy. My street was busy with other pedestrians and I had to maneuver around them up the street. The new Salvation Army building is almost done and it looks nice and is in keeping with the street. I got to 8th Avenue and had to stop at the light. A very handsome man stopped next to me and I smiled at him. He looked away...oops. Tourist were lining up across the street for the Gray Line double-decker bus tours and the high rise being constructed is starting to get its facade of ugly beige bricks. Light changed to walk. I continued up 47th Street toward Times' Square and decide not to stop for coffee until I get to TriBeCa. The guy in this coffee cart is strange anyway. I cross Broadway, dodging tourists along the way. I notice they are constructing the front portion of a huge Cadillac under the Coke sign at this end of the Square...seems unnecessary. I get to the N/R/W and decend the stairs. The station is clogged with floral print wearing middle aged women, obviously part of a tour group. I say excuse me several times before I am allowed near the turnstyle. I slide my card and enter the platform. I like to walk to the opposite end of the platform because then the train drops me near the exit I need at Canal Street. As I walk I notice the heat in the station. It is summer again. Beads of sweat roll down the small of my back and I hope to myself that the train won't be long. The N (local) pulls in and I board. The cold air of the car is somewhat shocking after the heat of the platform but it feels fantastic. I sit next to a woman who appears to be crying but I leave her alone and put on my walkman. Ultra. Chilled 1. I space the rest of the ride...thinking about the date last night. He is boyfriend material. He has a great chest too from what I could see. I liked his jeans and I think to myself that I should get a pair. I think he said they were Diesel. Canal Street. I disembark...up the stairs that, for some reason, smell like vomit everyday. Up to the street. Cross Broadway and stop at the coffee cart. Svetlana is not in it today - someone else is. "Where's Svetlana?" I ask. I get only a shrug. I order a large coffee with milk and sugar and a slice of banana bread. I turn and head toward work surrounded by the sights, sounds and commotion of Canal Street. Writing this now I realize how much of the city I just ignore. But Canal Street is too busy and crazy to ignore it. It is a free for all. I get to work and now here I sit. Looking forward to going home.


Wednesday, June 05, 2002
I always felt like in outsider in sports, although as an adult I feel less intimidated by, say, catching a ball that is flung at me. It always seemed that sports were the domain of straight men. Then I saw this. It is soooo gay. Look through the whole slide show. My favorite is the photo of Landon caused a stirring in my trousers! (Thanks Jonno (see sidebar) for the link)


Tuesday, June 04, 2002
I'm still at's almost 7:00. I wanted to be out of here at 6. It'll be at least a half an hour before I can go. I am waiting for a machine to boot back up. Then I have to run to FEDEX with three boxes. I won't be able to pick up my laundry. I'm too tired to go to the gym now. It sucks. It's all because of this ad agency bitch who decided not to do her job when she was here in New York for three days and then cop us attitude when the finished product is exactly what she wanted last week but not what the client wants today. SOOO, after being screamed at by the ugly c*nt on the phone three times, then having her tell the owner (who is thankfully my friend) exactly what she thinks of me (to which he replied..."Michael is nothing like that"), I now get to stay and work half the night away because of her fucking stupidity. The kicker is I have been nothing but nice to her. I think that is the problem. She is like a mother lion with hungry cubs and I was the gazelle that she thought she could pounce on. I was ready to rip her a new asshole with some nice snide comments but I bit my toungue. This is not my business and I do not want to drive people away. It has made me realize though that after all we have been through with September 11th, I no longer have the patience for people like her. It seems childish to start screaming at anyone. It is so useless. She obviously has learned nothing about how to treat human beings due to that event. So fuck her. I hope she gets a nice bout of summertime flu and has to lay in bed all weekend.

Just venting.


Monarchy? That's SO 20th Century.

I don't get it.

What does the queen of England do? Why does she get such a huge party? Does she even like pop/rock/alternative music? From my vantage point the 50th Jubilee celebration (what is a Jubilee anyway?) was basically..."Hey Liz, you've done a fantastic job living off of the tax-payers of Great Britain for 50 years! Let's spend even more money on you! Hip, hip hurray!"

Again, I don't get it. She should be thanking them for not tossing her to the street and making her and her pampered family get real jobs.


Saturday, June 01, 2002
I just had an evening that is indescribable. In some countries I would be put to death for the night I just had. I love America...and being gay. Mr. Rubbersheets was involved...put the rest together yourself.


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