Back on track, boys!
 

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Goings on:
Summer School Ending
Vacation looming near!

On the Walkman:
Bargrooves - Frosted
Sarah McLachlan...all CDs in High rotation

Today's activities:
Starting back at the gym
Enjoying summer

This weekend's activities:
Seeing my beau
Hanging out then flying to NH for a brief vacation

Favorite English Words:
Perfunctory
Squeamish
Trollop
ilk
Phlegm
Hideous
gotten
Lymph
Impromptu

Favorite German Words:
jetzig
nimmer
gewittrig
Ungeheuer
nichtsdestoweniger

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David
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1 800 flowers
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blogchalk: Michael/Male/36-40. Lives in United States/New York/Hell
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Carpe Mañana
 
Friday, May 31, 2002
 
I'm coming down off my high horse...now.

I was thinking today would be a washout. I'm a bit sad because I pissed someone off with something I said (I do that a lot). I have a headache. I feel like a wore the wrong outfit today. It is heavier than I thought and it is hot today so I feel uncomfortable. I feel bloated because it is humid. Blech! But then things changed. How you ask. Well, I'll tell you.

Feeling slightly down as indicated above, I decided that I needed to buy myself some new sandals. I need them...they are inexpensive...the purchase would lift my spirits...and I wanted to take a walk. So I went to Kenneth Cole on Broadway near Houston. It is very warm and humid today so I got a little moist along the way, not feeling my most attractive upon arrival at the store. I walked in and started browsing. They had the sandals I saw online that I liked and I began to ponder which color would be best for me.

Let us rewind before continuing. About 3 weeks ago, I was in the same store looking for a shirt after a very strenuous workout. I was wearing my workout clothes and feeling less than attractive. A salesperson came up to me (as they do) and said, "May I help you find anything?" I said the usual, "No, thanks. Just looking." and turned to continue browsing. The sales guy was cute but not feeling at my best at the moment I just turned away. Then he said, "My name is Sam (not his real name) if you need anything." I said, "Thanks." He came around in front of me and said, "Do you work in the area?" I said, "Kind of...TriBeCa." "Cool", he said. It was right about then that I realized that he was trying to strike up a conversation. "It's nice." I said. He stuck out his hand to shake mine and told me his name and said, "If I can be of any help..." stressing "any" and trailing off at the end. "Okay." I said. As I left he called after me, "I hope to see you again." I smiled and waved.

Fast forward to today. So our hero, me, is pondering sandal colors. Red, blue, black or what they call sand. Over my shoulder I hear, "Hey, how are you?" I turn around and it is Sam, looking very stylish and buff clad all in black (we are talking Kenneth Cole). "Hey." I say. "Weren't you in here a few weeks ago?" "Yes, I was." I said. "Did I give you my card?" he asked. "No, not that I recall. Why?" I asked. He didn't answer, he just said..."If I give you my card now, will you call me?" I blushed and smiled and said, "Sure." We continued chatting about this and that. Now, I don't think I am a dog or anything...far from it. But Sam is a caliber of guy that I usually think is out of my league. I would say he is about my age, great body from what I could see, nice face, great smile. He is very cute. I got an ego boost. And I got his card. And I got the message that he is interested. I am, too.

It is nice to meet someone outgoing. It is nice to meet someone someplace other than a bar. I should call and see if he is free for a drink tonight.

Oh, and I bought the sandals...in sand.

12:49



 
HIV, AIDS, Unsafe sex. They are topics that draw up a lot of emotion and thousands of opinions, especially among gay men. Even moreso between those who are positive and those who are negative. We look across a fence at each other, living in different worlds. It is hard to know what each is feeling or thinking.

Yesterday I wrote: "It reconfirms my belief that those who test positive need to do all they can to stem the spread of HIV... no one ever talks about that. The message is always aimed at staying negative...what about being responsible and not infecting others?"

I want to clarify this because I upset some people. I am not saying it is the responsibility of positive people to keep negative people negative. I'm also not saying that it is positive people's fault that negative people sero-convert. Nobody sets out to get HIV (as have been reminded). I know that and I sympathize with that. It is the disease we are fighting not the people with it. All I am saying is that the current policy of only addressing staying negative isn't the full picture...and it isn't working. Negative people can only get HIV from positive people. It stands to reason that we should stress that it is important to try...TRY...to keep from infecting others. Whether that means wearing condoms or if you must bareback, bareback only with guys you know to be positive if you yourself are positive. I am as pigheaded about negative guys barebacking as well. Don't. If you are negative, don't bareback with anyone unless you are monogamous and have been tested several times. Even then, consider it carefully.

If you want to get HIV, fine, bareback until you can't sit down. I suppose that the thought process of "it's going to happen sooner or later and I might as well control when I get it" is valid for some people. But I believe it is preventable. Again, I think it takes all gay men to fight this in our community. I have been complacent too long...I think a lot of gay men have been. I'm sorry if my opinions piss people off or upset them. But this is war. As they say, "War is hell". If all it takes to stop this enemy is the "inconvenience" of wearing a condom, I don't really think that that is such a huge sacrifice, do you? Look what the soldiers did during WWII. That was a true sacrifice. That was a total disruption of their lives. Wearing a condom is nothing like that. But there has to be a solution to this crisis. It is going to take lots of opinions, ideas, thoughts and radical changes to stop this. Maybe my opinions are totally off base. I can accept that. They may, however, start someone else thinking who can come up with something that works. I hope that happens in my lifetime.

08:23



Thursday, May 30, 2002
 
So, what's up with me?
Last week I was told something I didn't want to believe but it was confirmed. I got a call over the weekend from my ex boyfriend that he has tested HIV positive. I actually don't know what to do with this information. It has been an interesting experience for me. Naturally, I feel bad for him because he is not handling the news well. But surprisingly, it has shown me that I have really come a long way in how I deal with things. I have finally learned that not everything in my life has a direct bearing on my life. In the past, I would have gone through the old "what if" paces. What if we hadn't broken up? What if he had moved out of New York? etc. In a way, putting the blame on me. But this time reality is very clear to me. There are no what ifs, only what ares. The fact is that he has a new reality. The fact is that I do, too.

My ex boyfriend has to deal with something that I don't think he is prepared to deal with nor do I think that he ever thought he would need to handle. On top of this, I won't be able to be there for him. We haven't been able to rectify any of the issues that drove us to break up so I don't see that I have the capacity to be a source of support for him. I think he wants me to be there for him but I just don't see it happening. It sounds cold, cruel and heartless, but it's not. It is just the way it is. Before we broke up there were plenty of times that I needed him and he just couldn't be bothered...it drove a rift between us. He felt justified then for whatever reasons. Now that there is no relationship and hasn't really been any communication for years it is more surprising that he wants support from me than the fact that I'm just not able to give it.
I don't see testing positive as an immediate death sentence per se. It is, however, life altering and most likely very traumatic. I hope it is something he can live with even if he can't overcome it. I would have obviously not wished for this to happen to him but now that it has happened, there is nothing anyone can do to change it.

Emotionally it is strange to think that the person I loved dearly for almost 8 years was told he has a fatal disease. It amazes me that someone's future can be altered so quickly and that the future we planned on was never meant to be. It reminds me that AIDS is still very real and very close. It convinces me that barebacking will be the death of us all and that we need to speak out against it. Gay men need to grow up and realize that this will only go away if we actively work together to make it go away. It reconfirms my belief that those who test positive need to do all they can to stem the spread of HIV... no one ever talks about that. The message is always aimed at staying negative...what about being responsible and not infecting others? I have heard of positive guys who won't sleep with negative people because they don't want to be responsible for infecting them, but they are rare. I don't know. There are no easy answers. The bottom line is that it can happen to you. I guess on a selfish level I am afraid that if it can happen to him...it can absolutely happen to me. So...having learned to deal with reality and how to accept it, I guess it's time I have to face it myself and change the way I handle myself. Even though I am as safe as I think I can be...it's time to stop sleeping around, and get tested again. I suggest that anyone who reads my blog do the same. Uh-oh...I think I'm about to get militant.

12:31



Wednesday, May 29, 2002
 
I watched "In Memorium, New York City 9/11/01" on HBO last night. I really thought the emotions had subsided. I was wrong. The tears came. The fear came. The disbelief, shock, horror, indignation, anger, etc are all still very much there right below the surface. It scared me that I still feel the emotion exactly the same as I did the day it happened. All the memories of where I was and what I was doing as the events unfolded are vivid and fresh like they happened this morning. It was horrible. Those planes were living missiles and they were bombarding our city. It is still incomprehensible. I just haven't fully dealt with the true implications of that day yet. When will I?

So the thought for today that keeps running through my head is..."Little fish, big pond? Big fish, little pond?" I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of life in New York compared to life elsewhere...and what I want for myself.

10:58



Tuesday, May 28, 2002
 
It's Tuesday morning and I'm back at work after one of the best weekends I've had in ages. Rehoboth Beach is quite a relaxing place and I took every opportunity to chill out that I could. We had three days of uninterrupted sunshine and warm temparatures. I went to the beach. I went on a couple of bike rides (short). I ate. I drank. I danced. I got tan. I sat on the porch with John, Joe, Nick, Matt and a couple of stragglers that we enticed to join us...Marc and Todd. We laughed a lot. I spent a night snuggling (not frisky) with someone I now have a huge crush on and would like to snuggle with again (but this time get more than frisky with). It was a superb Memorial Day weekend. The best part is I get to do it all over again in two weeks time for Joe's birthday.

The only negative? I really want to move out of the city more than ever and become (gulp) a suburbanite! I guess peace and quiet is starting to appeal to me.

07:43



Friday, May 24, 2002
 
Oh...one last thing. New word added to favorite list. How I overlooked it is beyond me. I love how it is spelt. I love how it sounds. I love to look at it. I love what it is. Bizarre from every angle...hence a favorite.

11:16



 
Getting ready to go away for the long holiday weekend. I'm going with a bunch of friends to Rohoboth Beach Delaware. I have never been but I hear it is lovely. I hope the weather holds. It is gorgeous today. Reminds me of a joke we used to say as kids...

What did Delaware?
Idaho, Alaska!

I'm off.

11:09



 
I consider myself an atheist. In this country, that is akin to being a child molester or some other deviant. On top of it I am gay. Strike two. Okay, so what is a gay atheist to do when confronted with the whole, "You're going to burn in hell for being gay?" Well, I don't believe in God or Hell so that is the end of the discussion. Since there is no God or god or goddess in my book, good and evil comes from within. You can't blame it on anyone else. You create your situation and you live in it. It can be "heaven" or "hell"... it's up to you. If you want to start pointing fingers at other people or groups for all that is wrong in your life, that is you doing it..."God" is not telling you jack shit.

It's funny...have you noticed that people, especially the fundamentally religious, blame everyone else for their problems and also have the wierd tendency to credit God with all that is good in their lives. In a way it is an insult when a parent says to a child..."God blessed your sister with a beautiful singing voice...we just need to look a little deeper to find out what gift God gave to you." In other words, "God likes your sister better than He likes you." aka "I like your sister better than I like you." I'm rambling.

The point of all this? I recently had a conversation about Buddhism. I am mildly interested in looking into it. The way it seems to me, there is a lovely lack of a condemning "God" in Buddhism. I think I need to see if there is anything to "spirituality" as it were. So, my question is, does anyone have any good ideas about how to find out more about this? Is anyone out there a Buddhist? E-mail me.

09:29



Thursday, May 23, 2002
 
I got some bad news tonight. I would have expected that it would have upset me or at least made me sad, but surprisingly I have been unphased by it. In this case, I feel the way I would feel when I hear a tragic story in the news that while sad has no direct bearing on my life. In a way it is good, in a way I would have expected to feel a little more. Emotions are strange. They have a way of surprising you when you are least prepared to deal with them. Well, that actually makes sense...one emotion often replaces another so it stands to reason that when I am feeling neutral, I'll get my real reaction to this news. I think that it is the fact that someone I have been trying to get out of my life is expecting me to be his support system in this case and I just can't be there for him anymore. He has said terrible things to me and about me as well as having done some pretty terrible things in the past couple of years. How he can expect me to be there for him is beyond me. I need to get everything straightened out and then I will blog less cryptically about it.

21:29



 
We've all seen this one before but it makes me laugh so I thought I would post it.

The (Insert Your Arline of Choice) Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant  who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly,  lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." 
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.  "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." 
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a  Princess.  I take orders from no one."  
To which the gay  flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out-rank you. Put the tray up, Bitch".

11:55



Wednesday, May 22, 2002
 
Only in New York...

I called in to a local Mexican restaurant for lunch for the office today and had to wait on hold because it was the busy lunch time. On hold, they didn't have hold music. They actually were marketing their establishment with witty little ditties and commercial like text. Wednesdays are marguarita night, etc. Then out of no where comes Star Wars-esque music and that "movie guy" voice that said...

"New York presents...
ONE restaurant
with the AUDACITY
to put you on hold.

The food must be good."

It made me chuckle.

15:16



 
Sometimes I think I know exactly who I am...sometimes I don't.
I've been told recently (by a friend I hadn't seen in a while) that he is glad to see that I broke up with my ex because now I am a whole person again. He knew us when we were together...actually he met us when things were good in the relationship. He saw it go downhill and he told me he "watched as you became a shell of a person". Hard to hear that I was once a shell in his mind...but I'm glad he thinks I'm whole again.
I've also been called self-absorbed recently. I don't know what this means. Seriously. I find that if I spend time with people and do things with them, I'm called friendly and accommodating. But there are times in each persons life that they need to focus on themselves. When they need to work things out or better themselves. I'm in a phase like that now. I need to fix my life and get the old house in order. It is about me right now. Lot's of people on this planet function like that...it's the only way to get anywhere in life. It's not that I am ignoring people. I'm still being social. I still listen to other people's problems and I still care about what is happening to them. So what does self-absorbed mean? It was definitely a negative statement.
I've also been told that I require a lot of validating statements from other people. I guess that is true. I wasn't given a lot of freedom as a child to test my own limits and learn to trust myself so now as an adult I sometimes need other people's opinions that I am doing the "right" thing. Or at least that I am not going to do something really stupid.
I guess that is why I keep a blog. It's validation. Validation from the people who read it and validation from myself. Simply that I matter in some small way. That even without kids, or financial success or fame that I am still important in my own failure in some way.

09:51



 
A glorious day in Mana-hattan.

The sun is shining.
The birds are chirping.
The Brooklyn Bridge was closed due to a suspicious package.
The terrorist threats are on the increase.
Spring!

07:05



Monday, May 20, 2002
 
I actually had a really good, busy yet relaxing weekend...a good day at work today but really no time to blog...The following lyrics describe my current situation best.

Empty and drained
I have nothing left.
I continue
to search
still unable to find
The Wish that I wish for
The Love that I long for
The Touch that I call for (i think it's call for)


...I watch in amazement
at all the plans I've made
only to realize
I've just been standing still

The silence surrounds me
am I standing still
the notion consumes me
but have I lost my will?

...want to scream
but I have nothing to say
and I've been walking in this dream
standing still in the light of day.


That about sums it up on this end.


20:25



Friday, May 17, 2002
 
I was just reading the Zyrtec site for adverse reactions... I have the following from their extensive list of uncommon side effects:

Central and Peripheral Nervous Systems: abnormal coordination, confusion

Psychiatric: abnormal thinking, agitation, anxiety, impaired concentration, nervousness, sleep disorder

I have noticed all of these things since starting Zyrtec. This never happened with Claritin.

12:17



 
I have been taking Zyrtec for my allergies because I got it for free from my sister who doesn't need it. Let me tell you, it is fucking with my head. In the morning when I take it, it gives me a real kick, not unlike 3 cups of coffee. This pretty much lasts all day. The good part is that it has completely gotten rid of my allergies. The runny nose, the itchy eyes...all gone. Perfect, right? Well not really. There is a darker side to all this. When I get home at night, the kick wears off quickly. I crash. I fall so fast asleep that I have been sleeping through the night with the lights on and the tv blaring. I have even spent a couple of nights sleeping in my chair, fully dressed. Then there are the nightmares and panic attacks that this stuff seems to cause in me. I dream a lot but not usually as vividly as I have been lately. Two nights ago, I dreamt that I was at a party in an old movie theatre. I was there with my mom who for some reason had decided that she wanted to take a hit of ecstacy. It was freaky. Then the hunky guy that I was talking to decided to pin me down as he was telling me that he was really into puking. It turned him on to puke all over other guys as they were held immobile. He proceded to put his fingers down his throat and ralph all around me. It was disgusting and really horrifying. The look on his face was a combination of revulsion and sheer pleasure. I could tell that he was reviled by his fetish but still got enormous amounts of pleasure from it. I ran from him though. Slipping in vomit and falling...I sat up with a start...slightly panicking and freaked that my mother was doing drugs while I was being puked on.

Last night I dreamt that I went to Bed Bath and Beyond to buy a sonic toothbrush. The sales guy said he would be right back because they didn't have any on the sales floor. When he left all of the other customers started pulling all of the merchandise off the shelves and smashing it onto the floor. It was like a riot and I was trying to stop them from destroying everything. Suddenly, everyone left. The sales guy came back and started screaming at me. I tried to explain it wasn't me but he kicked me out of the store. When I got home, I miraculously had the toothbrush in my bag. So I decided to try it out. Turns out that the bristles were made out of really sharp glass and I began to bleed profusely from my mouth. It seemed very real and I couldn't wake up from it. When I did wake up it took me a while to get over the feeling of panic. Hence the panic attack. I'm still taking the Zyrtec hoping that once my body gets used to it the nightmares will stop but who knows. Not having to blow my nose is really worth a couple of nightmares if you ask me though.

11:57



Thursday, May 16, 2002
 
When I first started living on my own, way back in 1989, I decided to live in Boston. Actually it was Charlestown which is directly across the river from the North End of Boston. Back then Charlestown was beginning to be gentrified. It still had an edge to it...a roughness that gave it a sense of reality. I moved from Charlestown and ended up in the South End of Boston...it also was in the beginnings of a revitalization. I had a one bedroom apartment with a parking space for $525 a month. The buildings on the corner of my street, Concorde Square where it meets Columbus Ave, were abandoned and had been for years. They sat empty and rotting. That has changed now, they are expensive condominums now a days. Anyway, the thing I remember most from both neighborhoods is the huge profusion of trees. Around this time of the year, mid-May, the trees would be at there most lush...the green was vibrant, the growth was new and full. It was really amazing how the neighborhood and the whole city would change as the trees came back to life. I was always in awe of the number of trees that live in Boston. They would be above you everywhere you walked in the South End. They created their own little microcosm of a forest that belied the fact that you were walking down city streets. To add to this, the front gardens of the South End are very well maintained. They contain plants, trees and shrubs that seem to be in a constant state of bloom. The air is cool and refreshing early in the morning on these streets. I miss that. The deep shadow that the trees would create on a rainy May afternoon was almost magical.

In New York, the front areas are just repositories for trash cans. The trees struggle for the most part to survive unless they are lucky enough to live in Central Park. May just doesn't have the same impact here as it did in Boston. It happens but it doesn't seem to have a close connection to nature. I guess that is because this is a huge city. It would be nice though if the streets and front gardens were full of plant life and trees. Other cities do it, why can't New York?

11:10



Wednesday, May 15, 2002
 
I've been going to the gym.
I've been eating better.
I've been trying to get rid of the belly.
So somebody please explain this...

3 McDonald's Mozzerella Sticks (off the Dollar Value Menu)
A Filet o Fish Sandwich (no tartar sauce)
Medium Fries (apparently small doesn't exist in McDonald's Universe anymore)
Medium Coke (see above comment)
2 Baked Apple pies (they are tasty)

Do I hate myself or something? I'd might as well have eaten two sticks of deep fried butter. Does anyone have an extra Lipotor capsule I can have before my arteries clog?!?!

12:31



 

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?


Vast, red and ready to turn into a lorry at the slightest provocation, you are a robot to be reckoned with. Although sickeningly noble, you just can't resist a good interplanetary war, especially when Orson Welles is involved. You have friends who can shoot tapes from their chests. Tapes that turn into panthers. And other friends who are dinosaurs. Dinosaurs who jump out of planes. Will you have my children?

Thanks Scally.

10:40



Tuesday, May 14, 2002
 
I had to go and change my template, didn't I?

Idiot.

14:56



 
My archives seem to be functioning both on the sidebar (thanks David) and now also at the bottom of my page (thanks Tim)


Oh hurrah!

14:35



 
Fuer dich mach' ich
Verueckte Sachen.
Ich...
lege dir die Welt zu Fuessen.
Hol' fuer dich den Stern' vom Himmel
um mich
ein einziges Mal...zu kuessen.

From a favorite German pop song of mine...from the 80's
(I guess I should translate it...

For you I'd do
crazy things
I (would) lay the world at your feet.
Collect the stars from the heavens for you
so that you would give me just one single kiss.

(this is not a literal translation)

It is much more poetic in German.

Let's try the literal word for word translation...just for kicks.

For you do I
crazy things
I lay for you the world to feet
Get for you the stars out of heaven
in order me
a single time...to kiss.

07:15



Monday, May 13, 2002
 
I'm having one of those days. It is so hard being an adult. I'm just not good at it. Are there classes for that?

17:59



Friday, May 10, 2002
 
I went on a real date on Tuesday night. It was nice. We met for drinks and then had a late dinner. No sex was involved just a really sweet good night kiss.

I promised myself before the date that I wouldn't bring up my ex during the date. I'm sure that hanging onto that old relationship is what has been holding me back on the dating front. I'm not truly over it no matter what I might say to the contrary. I still feel a little damaged and it will take time to heal that. So, although I was asked about prior relationships, I did not discuss the ex. I just said that I had been in an 8 year relationship that ended 2 years ago and that I learned a lot from it. Then I moved on to the next topic. It felt good. I didn't bring up the issues. I didn't even mention his name or what he does or how we met. I think that for the first time the relationship was just a fact in my life bio. I realize that my unresolved issues with the ex have held me back a bit emotionally but there is no reason that I can't move forward while still working on those issues.

09:50



Wednesday, May 08, 2002
 
I know to some people (you know who you are Bill) this will sound flighty but it really is just a fantasy of mine. I keep thinking that I need to leave New York for a while and get my head on straight and finances back in order. I keep asking myself where would I move though? All of my friends are here. I could move back to Boston but I really feel that that would be a step backwards into a past that I have glamourized but in reality would be drudgery.
I then think of new places.
I have entertained the idea of moving to New Jersey,
Portsmouth NH,
Pennsylvainia
and just to a cheaper neighborhood in NYC.
So far I have stayed put. But I had an idea recently. What if I sublet my apartment and move to somewhere warm. Somewhere where I can be myself and live relatively inexpensively. I love Miami, but I think that I would tire of it quickly. Besides I don't speak Spanish. Then I think...well, I adored living in Provincetown but it is too cold there for most of the year so what about Key West? Why not? Again, I know this seems flighty but it could work. I am still working on my internet business venture that I m working to launch very soon, so if all goes well it doesn't matter where I live for that. Also, in Key West I would have all kinds of visitors. Everyone loves to go somewhere warm, and I would be happy to have them visit. The problems are that I would be extremely far from everyone I know and love. The summers would be hotter than I am used to. Hurricanes can be fierce down there. On the plus side, I wouldn't really need a car there, a bike would do. I could learn how to relax. I could meet interesting people. It would be fun. I don't know. It's just an idea. Right now given my money situation it isn't even something I could afford to do...but if I were to find a place to stay here for a month or so...and sublet my apartment right away, I could start saving and then try it out for a year or so. Just a dream, just an idea, but not a bad one.

Anyone want to be my roommate in Key West?

15:40



Tuesday, May 07, 2002
 
I had a rather long weekend...it started Friday night with Mr. Rubbersheets and ended Sunday evening driving back from Pridefest in Philadelphia with Joe and Jon. In between is a blur. A pleasant blur but a blur nonetheless.

I have been sick since Monday tho...sore throat, sticky eyes, dizzy and generally not feeling well. This morning started with a call from my stomach to the toilet. My left eye refused to open and had to be coaxed into life with a hot compress and a gallon of eye drops. It was a really unpleasant morning and I was late to work. I had called to let them know I was going to be late but I really need to start getting here early since they want to offer me a permanent position. I find that I really have no discipline in my life and it is all my own fault. I don't get up at the same time...I don't have a morning routine...I don't do anything consistantly in the same way or at the same time, ever. My mother used to do her spring cleaning during the same week in April every year of my life. Fall cleaning was done in the same week in October. EVERY YEAR. She is still one of the most disciplined people I know...why didn't I inherit that?

11:47



Friday, May 03, 2002
 
Responded to my brother. Got a response back. Everything is cool. I feel elated and much relieved.

12:12



 
You know you have been living in New York too long when you say this about the spread of food set in front of you at a party...
"Not everything on this table I love." and don't realize it until someone points out to you what you just said. Oy.

12:11



 
That to do list keeps getting shorter.

I came out to my mother and sister way back in the early 90's, Friday, September 13, 1991 to be exact. My father subsequently found out sometime between now and then...my mom said something, I think, but we don't talk about it...I never got around to telling my brother. I don't know why. We never really got along as kids and lately we have been getting closer and I can honestly say that I really like him as an adult. We do love each other but it took awhile to like each other. So, after having gone through a divorce and he and I having some long heart to hearts about his life and feelings, etc. I figured it was time to tell him. I put it on my to do list and planned to have a conversation this summer when we go to Maine. Well, he sent me an email today and asked outright if I was gay and it was very supportive. I haven't responded yet. My gut reaction is to just say..."I am gayer than you will ever know!" But I won't do that. I'll just confirm it.

It's interesting...I feel like I don't want to say anything. I feel like I won't know how to act around him once I tell him I am gay. There's no going back. There is no more pretending. I will have to be me. He will have to meet future boyfriends and we will talk about my feelings and so forth. It could be a huge can of worms...or it could be the best thing that ever happened.

Crossing item off my list, now.

08:21



Thursday, May 02, 2002
 
It's raining today. I'm hungry. I'm a little down that I am not going to Florida this weekend but it was the prudent choice. But I'm actually in a good overall mood. Last night we held a benefit here at the office for the Gotham Rugby Football Club. It is the first all gay rugby team in the city and they are trying to raise some money to keep things going. It went very well by all accounts and it was a lot of fun. There were some very attractive, big bulky men there as well as their attractive friends. I had hours of fun. My friend Joe stayed at my place to avoid the trek back to New Jersey that late at night and we both fell asleep immediately when we got back to my apartment. I really have a great bunch of friends and I enjoy spending time with them as often as I can. This coming weekend I am going to keep a low profile. I was thinking of going to Philadelphia for PrideFest and that might still happen, but I'm thinking that I should rest up, go to the gym, eat well and work on my biz plan all weekend. It's taken shape in dribs and drabs and I think it is time to really beef it up and make it real. I am excited about it and I think my friends at FlyLifeMusic are going to sponsor me...anyway. Mother's Day is the following weekend and I'll be driving to New Hampshire for that. So I have to use the time I have now to make this thing real by June.

09:40



 
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