Tuesday, April 30, 2002
I'm not going to Key West and it's not because of flying...but I don't want to talk about it.
Monday, April 29, 2002
I think I am going to Key West. Now I'm starting to panic. I'm nervous to fly. Everyone I know has flown since September 11th and for some reason, I still think of those people trapped in those planes that smashed into the WTC as I watched. It is very stress inducing. I hope I don't have a major breakdown in the plane and have to be restrained or something. There is a good possibility that I will chicken out and cancel...I hope not but we'll see as Friday gets closer. Eek.
Friday, April 26, 2002
Ahhh, Friday. It means so much more when you are working. I have a new reader to greet...Sam at isobars.blogspot.com...he sent me a nice email so I thought I would mention that here. If Continental Airlines allows me to cash in my rewards, I might be traveling to Key West to visit Scally who is headed there for vacation. I don't know if it will happen but it would be a lot of fun!
I got a lot of good response from my blog about the Delerium song and it encouraged me to share my opinion about another favorite song of mine, "Wrong" by Everything but the Girl (EBTG) on the Walking Wounded CD. The version I like best is the Todd Terry remix which is Track 10 on the CD. I had lost this CD in the divorce and it has taken me a while to replace it...well, it is back in my collection and I am ecstatic. If you are unfamiliar with EBTG you need to educate yourself...their catalog is extensive and worth listening to. Their songs are like stories. This song in particular has the feel that Tracy (lead singer) is telling you a story about herself and her life...you connect with her immediately with the first words..."I wanted everything for a little while, why shouldn't I? I wanted to know what it was like." She then whispers her story to you...recounting falling out of love. And you listen because you have been there. It's like the music track is background music and you are sitting with her, listening to what she has to tell you and coincedently music at the same time. The lyrics are fantastic...a true story. Like all good stories, there is a pivotal twist. Throughout the song she keeps admitting, "...'cause I was wrong." But we don't really know why. Until a little over halfway through the song. "I wanted everything for a little whild, why shouldn't I?" The music softens to its lowest point of the song...then she shares her secret...in a whisper...into your ears..."I wanted to know what HE was like." There is a long, guilty, remorseful pause. And I always get shivers and goose bumps. We've all been there and felt that "Now I've done it" feeling. The way she performs it is gorgeous. Yum.
Thursday, April 25, 2002
Went to the Eagle tonight...dressed like Brittany Spears. Started a bar discussion that didn't go too well with the following question..."Did Guy Ritchie marry Madonna, or did Madonna marry Guy Ritchie...?"
Monday, April 22, 2002
I had a nice weekend. Didn't do much actually. Spent the whole day yesterday shopping with Nick. I bought a few unmentionables, he got some real clothes. Much needed clothes. It was exhausting.
Thursday night was a little date with a guy that I think is really interesting. We went for dinner and then a casual walk to the Hudson. I was actually nervous about the date and had butterflies the whole time. It was sweet. He had to work early so I left him and met some of the boys at the Eagle. That was fun and ended somewhat late after a stop at Barrage. I was exhausted on Friday.
Friday night went to Barrge and Posh with Nick. We bumped into John and ended up going to kind of scary bars on the east side. Red and Oscar Wilde. It was different. I walked home at 5 am and really enjoyed NYC in the early morning hours.
Saturday night was Luxx in Williamsburg. They touted the night as Berliniamsburg. It was really interesting. It had an "East Village in the '80's" vibe. Confusing tho too because I wasn't sure if the music was vintage or new. Interesting. I left there and went home while Nick decided to stay.
Last night we just went to V*nyl for dinner with Billy and then drinks at Barrage. Quiet and nice.
I guess I actually did do quite a bit this weekend.
Note to self: I think I am a sex addict. I hooked up several times this weekend and it is bothering me that it is so easy to just forget the guys I get with. I'm on hiatus for a few weeks.
Tuesday, April 16, 2002
Okay, my past keeps haunting me. I think I need to spill the beans and get it off my chest for once and fucking all. I know that my English pals may not understand why I have to pull a Ricky Lake and spill my guts in a public forum but I am American and somehow it seems like it will help.
For the past two or so years, I have been living the life I have wanted for a very long time. People respect and like me, they treat me well, they value my opinion. I have gotten to feel pretty good about myself although I do have moments of insecurity and times of very low self-esteem. But sometimes I feel like I am living a lie. I was in a really fucked up relationship with someone I thought I loved. He and I lived a really fucked up life. We had a torturous relationship and screwed each other over time and time again. I was addicted to drugs, multiple drugs, and could not seem to pull myself up out of my own hole of despair until after about 3 years in the downward spiral. We didn't pay bills; I fucked up my credit probably forever. I got fired from jobs. I avoid talking about that as much as I can but the bad credit has kept me from getting work and it hurts because now that I have gotten my fucking head back where it belongs, I can't believe I allowed this to happen. How did I let that happen? How did I get so involved with things and people that I knew where so very bad for me? I just seemed to leave a path of destruction behind me where ever I went. My boyfriend was the pro though. I learned really well from him. It is mortifying. The best and the worst thing that ever happened to me was getting away from him. I have a second chance now. It is so hard to focus on that with so much that still holds me back from that time, but I try really hard to just take one step at a time. But in this society to have no credit cards and no possibility of ever buying a home is probably worse than a prison sentence and not as bad as a death sentence. I was fixing things step by step and trying to get back in the creditors good graces, then I lost my job...okay, but this isn't about that. This is about how my past is haunting me. It is getting harder and harder to keep people from knowing what a fuck up I was and how hard it is to be respectable all the time. So, MY NAME IS MIKE and I'm a fuck up and a loser...but I try every day not to be. What prompted this sudden gut-spilling? Here's a little excerpt of something my ex sent me today which brought back everything I was trying to forget...
"AND IN CLOSING, I beat up Chris this morning (almost went to jail too). I'm out of love already. So cancel the shower (I have gotten into water sports of late ... swallowing hot piss from a guy's raging hardon is really fucking
HOT ... so if you wanna arrange a sex party with WS included, I'll reconsider.)"
Let's break this down...this was the forth paragraph from the end...so why he thought it was in closing is beyond me.
Chris is the guy he was supposedly so in love with last week he had to send me a note to tell me...so I could "move on".
This is not the worst of what he wrote.
Reconsider what??? Coming back to me?
I would never arrange a sex party...I would have my sex party planner do it...and use the Martha Stewart "Whores and Tarts" book.
Anyway, it was this loving this man and my relationship with him that made me so fucked up. All I want now is to forget it. Or maybe better truly move on from it. I think by getting it off my chest and admitting that I was a fuck up who is trying to get beyond all that, I finally can move on.
Friday, April 12, 2002
Here's a nice thought and a scary visual for a Friday afternoon...
"A 12-year-old boy who swallowed 87 condoms of heroin and tried to smuggle the drug into New York for $1,900 was arrested yesterday after he started bleeding in a taxicab outside LaGuardia Airport, law enforcement officials said. (Keep reading)
Prince Nnaedozie Umegbolu, a U.S. citizen who lived with his grandparents in the Nigerian town of Abuja for the last two years, was in stable condition at New York Hospital Medical Center of Queens in Flushing last night, hospital officials said.
The boy, whose father is in a federal penitentiary for his role in an international heroin ring, arrived alone at Kennedy Airport at 10:30 p.m. Wednesday on a flight from London, said Steve Coleman, a spokesman for the Port Authority.
"Our first contact with him was at 2:20 a.m. [yesterday], when he walked into police headquarters [at LaGuardia] and told the officers that he'd ingested 80 condoms of drugs," Coleman said.
But before that, Prince hailed a taxi and asked the cabbie to take him to an address in Brooklyn, Coleman said. When he arrived, however, no one was there to meet him. He made a call - possibly to his relatives in Nigeria - and asked the same driver to take him to LaGuardia, where he was told to meet a woman in front of the airport, officials said. (I'm confused because that cab ride alone would've cost $1,900... but here comes the good part)
On the way there, he began bleeding from the rectum and expelling the heroin balloons in the back of the cab, a law-enforcement source said. Officials said the driver, Ronald Manning, (how did he find the only non-Pakistani driver in NYC?) dropped him off at the LaGuardia police desk.
Port Authority police rushed him to the hospital, where he had expelled about 70 of the condoms by late afternoon." (What was he thinking??? Things in Africa must be desparate...oh wait, it later explains his mother lives in GEORGIA!)
You know that that cabbie didn't even clean out the back of the cab before picking up another fare...and we all wonder why cabs smell so bad!!!!
Thursday, April 11, 2002
Got this e-mail today. Hilarious. Scary thing is, some people will fall for it. I love the part about the fishing trawler.
Attention. Hello My Dear,
This mail may come to you as a surprise, but this is
an urgent passionnate plea for your assistance and
help, because of my present predicaments. So I would
like you carefully consider this mail. and give me a
Iam Mrs. Linda Koromah the wife to Dr. David Koromah
the former director general of Sierra-leone Gold and
diamond corporation who was assasinated by the rebels
trying to over thrown the government, I managed
to escape my country with my son (Frank), with the
sum of $12 MILLION dollars concealed in a metallic
trunk box belonging to my late husband, I
discovered this box which contains this money
in my husband’s under ground room while
searching for our belonging in readiness to flee my
country for safety.
After his assasination my Husband’s friend who
operates a fishing trawler along the west africa
coastal line assisted us in moving this box to
Abidjan Cote d Ivoire where Iam presently residing as
refugee with my son. On our arrival to Ivory Coast,
I deposited the box with a private security and
trust company here under special arrangement as
family valaubles ; The security company
does not know the real content of the box for security
reason; All the neccessary deposit documents issued
to me are Available and can be sent to you on
request. So all am asking from you is to assist me by
coming over to Abidjan Cote d’ Ivoire, and help me to
claim this money from the security company as my
foreign and pay it into a domiciliary account in your
name, here you will open with any of the
international bank for onward transfer to your
account in your country for a profitable business
investment. as a refugee here I cannot open an account
with my name or my son name I will like you to come
down so that we can go to the security company and
retreive the consignment as my foreign partner.
Please call me on my son’s number; 00225 07679919.
Looking forward to hearing from you and Please reply
to this box " firstname.lastname@example.org ".
GOD BLESS YOU.
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
Okay...remixes of Delerium songs are becoming my favorites. We all remember "Silence" featuring my heroine Sarah McLaughlin. Well now "Underwater" by Delerium featuring Rani is kicking my ass! The Above and Beyond's 21st Century Mix on the Ultra.Dance 01.1 Main Floor CD is quite a compilation...it is helping to respark my former interest in nightclubbing. If I can hear music like this when I step out with the fags, well, I'm going to go out more often.
This song falls into the category that makes me feel good. That category has no name but it contains songs that make me happy to be alive, slightly melancholy, slightly uplifting. In Underwater, the music itself swirls around you...but also swirls in your head. The lyrics skip across your brain. You think, you feel, you move. It takes you somewhere. Makes you feel alive. While I'm listening it's like I am drinking her voice with my ears. There is so much motion in the music that you can't help but want to move your own body. Fantastic. It is also my favorite subway-riding song of late...it adds a dimension to the surreal experience of being surrounded but total strangers, underground, hurtling through a darkened tunnel that I quite like.
Tuesday, April 09, 2002
It's only been a couple of days since daylight savings time kicked in but already I feel so much more optimistic. It makes such a huge difference that the sun sets at 7:30 instead of at 6:30. It is unbelievable really. Even people I know who are perputually depressed have commented how much they like the lighter evenings. Now if we could just figure a way to make summer last all year...
Monday, April 08, 2002
Things I lost in the divorce...ongoing.
The desire to establish or maintain a long-term relationship ever again.
The belief that everyone is basically good. Only some of us are; the rest of you would suck blood from your mother until she died if it was the only way to stay alive.
Sunday, April 07, 2002
Frustration is so frustrating. Don't want to betray a friend but don't want to endanger someone else... I guess I have to trust the friend since he is so dear to me. Life itself is risky, is it not?...maybe my apprehension comes directly from jealousy....maybe...probably...or perhaps Catholicism...
Two years it's been. TWO FULL YEARS! It has been two years since my ex and I broke up...I have made it clear that I want nothing more to do with him. I don't acknowledge him when I see him in public and I don't make any attempts to contact him. But yet he has called and left me a message twice in as many weeks. If I respond, I feel like I am giving in. So I will ignore him...again. I don't know...feels like bad karma to me. Maybe I should call and find out what the deal is and ask him to leave me alone. Yet again.
Friday, April 05, 2002
You are Fozzie! Wokka Wokka! You love to make lame jokes. Your sense of humor might be a bit off, but you're a great friend and can always be counted on..
Thursday, April 04, 2002 Things I lost in the divorce...
We had this spun plastic hanging lamp that I loved so much I called it Diane. It was green and clear plastic strands spun into a sphere. It was very 70's and it threw off very soft light. It hung int our dining room. I loved it. My ex got it when we broke up. I miss it.
I had a bluish-green 50's armchair I loved so much I called it Edith. It would look fantastic in my current apartment but alas...I lost it in the divorce.
I'm making it happen.
I got so tired of being unemployed and at the mercy of other people that I got creative.
I had an idea.
I'm running with that idea.
It's moving forward.
It's coming soon.
It's all about things I love, DJs, music and networking.
If you know any DJs that want to get their message out through an online network, tell them.
The preview is here, now.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, April 02, 2002 Hell's Kitchen
I live in a neighborhood called Hell's Kitchen. It is basically Midtown West. It is also known as Clinton. I love living here. It isn't the most beautiful neighborhood in Manhattan, but it has it's moments. It is part of the grid so it isn't quaint like the Village. It doesn't have lots of architectural gems...it isn't particularly fun to wander around like Chinatown or SoHo. There isn't much shopping. But Hell's Kitchen is a great place. It's near Central Park, Times Square, the Hudson River, there are thousands of restaurants and it is very residential. I don't want to leave it. I want to stay here. It is my neighborhood and I need to be here. I need a plan C.
Monday, April 01, 2002 I Saw It!
Up until tonight, I thought that it was only a myth. Something that people talked about but it didn't really exist, like Atlantis or UFOs. But there it was, at the gym, staring right back at me. At first, I didn't know what it was but then it hit me. I got so excited! It did exist. It wasn't a myth. I could see that line that runs down other people's bicep, but never mine. It was there. It was showing! I could see it. Mind you, once I stopped working out, it disappeared. But for a brief moment it was there, I saw it and I have been reinvigorated. I think my working out is starting to pay off. I am a very happy man. I know that sounds self-absorbed and shallow...but right now I need a few things to be happy about.