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Goings on:
Summer School Ending
Vacation looming near!

On the Walkman:
Bargrooves - Frosted
Sarah McLachlan...all CDs in High rotation

Today's activities:
Starting back at the gym
Enjoying summer

This weekend's activities:
Seeing my beau
Hanging out then flying to NH for a brief vacation

Favorite English Words:
Perfunctory
Squeamish
Trollop
ilk
Phlegm
Hideous
gotten
Lymph
Impromptu

Favorite German Words:
jetzig
nimmer
gewittrig
Ungeheuer
nichtsdestoweniger

Check these guys: USA
Charlie
Sparky
Locotek
Leatheregg
Sam
Sturtle
Jimbo
Jonno
BJLand
Glenn
Susan
Dan
My Holiday Film Exchange Exchangee
Mike
The Film Exchange Project
The Film Exchange
Canada Maurice
UK
David
Marcus
Ian
Jonathan
Rob
Scally
Dave
Austrailia
Uncle Hedgehog
Deutschland
Stephan


Great Sites:
Jerkcity
Hotendotey
The Onion
Boston
HX New York
Useful Sites:
Travelocity
Amazon.com
1 800 flowers
Sunrise Sunset.com
Crate & Barrel


blogchalk: Michael/Male/36-40. Lives in United States/New York/Hell
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Carpe Mañana
 
Wednesday, January 30, 2002
 
I guess my discussion of suicide made a few people a little concerned. I'm sorry about that. I really have no intention or desire to do anything like that. I was just thinking about it...not to do it, just as a concept...and I wanted to write about it. Don't worry about me, I'm fine but thanks for all the concern.

10:42



Saturday, January 26, 2002
 
I took a trip back in time last night...it was interesting but I like where I am now. My friend Michael suggested that we go to Vinyl on Hubert Street for a little twirl around the dance floor. On Friday night at Vinyl, Danny Tenaglia is the DJ. Danny is not only one of my favorite people...he is my absolute favorite DJ. The party is called "Be Yourself" and I think it is the best party in New York City. It is straight, it is gay, it is Bridge and Tunnel, it is NYC, it is black, white, asian, Puerto Rican and everything else you can think of. The crowd amazingly gets along without incident. Back before my ex and I broke up, I used to go to Be Yourself every Friday night without fail. For me and my friends it was an absolute must. (For the Brits...this was my equivalent of the Vauxhall Tavern) Well, when the ex and I broke up, I stopped going to Vinyl. First because I wasn't in the mood to party every week anymore but then later because he continued going and I just didn't want to be around him. So when Michael suggested we go, I thought it was a good idea. Little did I know, it was the third anniversary party for Be Yourself. It was packed. Hot, sweaty, loud and jumping. Danny also was playing all of his earth shattering classics, some of which had been retired for years. So the music was good, the lights were fantastic, the crowd was in a wonderful mood and the gay contingient was attractive in a way that only New York queens can be...lovely. Well, here is the problem. This party revolves in part around the chemicals imbibed by the participants. I was stone cold sober and when we arrived, it was 3 am. The party would be going until noon. I wasn't going to make it. Fortunately, they sell Red Bull which I kept drinking to keep me going. Being sober, I got to see the good side of clubbing...the sheer joy that people experience when they are dancing when they find their groove, and the bad side of clubbing...the desperate looks on people's faces who have taken too many drugs and are having a bad trip. I also saw a guy carried out apparently overdosing. Well, much to my surprise there were loads of folks there that I haven't seen for almost two years. Simon, Jeffrey, Kevin, Nikky and another Kevin. They were all glad to see me and I felt like the belle of the ball because I was introduced to more people than I have been in a while. Some sober like myself...some not so sober. I danced my ass off. At one point, I was dancing with Simon and crew and who appeared but my ex. We are unfortunately not civil toward each other. I was afraid their might be a confrontation or that Simon might be put in an awkward position, but I just continued on what I was doing. He eventually left without so much as a glance my way. I am sad to report that he is not doing very well these days...no apartment, no job...and is also not looking very well. I hope some day we can be on the same wavelength. At one point in the evening, while lounging with Kevin this waifish boy appeared in the back lounge wearing what can only be described as an adult diaper made of goose down...and that's all. I turned to Kevin and said, "What the cluck is he wearing!" Kevin burst into laughter and the poor little guy caught on that our cackling was due to his outfit. So although it is my favorite line of the night, I feel bad that the joke was at someone else's expense. I did my best to cha cha 'til the end but I had to say my goodnights at 11:15 and head home. It's now time for a little shut eye after spending time in a place that still exists in a small time bubble from my past. It was nice to visit but I'm glad I don't live there anymore.

09:16



 
I took a trip back in time last night...it was interesting but I like where I am now. My friend Michael suggested that we go to Vinyl on Hubert Street for a little twirl around the dance floor. On Friday night at Vinyl, Danny Tenaglia is the DJ. Danny is not only one of my favorite people...he is my absolute favorite DJ. The party is called "Be Yourself" and I think it is the best party in New York City. It is straight, it is gay, it is Bridge and Tunnel, it is NYC, it is black, white, asian, Puerto Rican and everything else you can think of. The crowd amazingly gets along without incident. Back before my ex and I broke up, I used to go to Be Yourself every Friday night without fail. For me and my friends it was an absolute must. (For the Brits...this was my equivalent of the Vauxhall Tavern) Well, when the ex and I broke up, I stopped going to Vinyl. First because I wasn't in the mood to party every week anymore but then later because he continued going and I just didn't want to be around him. So when Michael suggested we go, I thought it was a good idea. Little did I know, it was the third anniversary party for Be Yourself. It was packed. Hot, sweaty, loud and jumping. Danny also was playing all of his earth shattering classics, some of which had been retired for years. So the music was good, the lights were fantastic, the crowd was in a wonderful mood and the gay contingient was attractive in a way that only New York queens can be...lovely. Well, here is the problem. This party revolves in part around the chemicals imbibed by the participants. I was stone cold sober and when we arrived, it was 3 am. The party would be going until noon. I wasn't going to make it. Fortunately, they sell Red Bull which I kept drinking to keep me going. Being sober, I got to see the good side of clubbing...the sheer joy that people experience when they are dancing when they find their groove, and the bad side of clubbing...the desperate looks on people's faces who have taken too many drugs and are having a bad trip. I also saw a guy carried out apparently overdosing. Well, much to my surprise there were loads of folks there that I haven't seen for almost two years. Simon, Jeffrey, Kevin, Nikky and another Kevin. They were all glad to see me and I felt like the belle of the ball because I was introduced to more people than I have been in a while. Some sober like myself...some not so sober. I danced my ass off. At one point, I was dancing with Simon and crew and who appeared but my ex. We are unfortunately not civil toward each other. I was afraid their might be a confrontation or that Simon might be put in an awkward position, but I just continued on what I was doing. He eventually left without so much as a glance my way. I am sad to report that he is not doing very well these days...no apartment, no job...and is also not looking very well. I hope some day we can be on the same wavelength. At one point in the evening, while lounging with Kevin this waifish boy appeared in the back lounge wearing what can only be described as an adult diaper made of goose down...and that's all. I turned to Kevin and said, "What the cluck is he wearing!" Kevin burst into laughter and the poor little guy caught on that our cackling was due to his outfit. So although it is my favorite line of the night, I feel bad that the joke was at someone else's expense. I did my best to cha cha 'til the end but I had to say my goodnights at 11:15 and head home. It's now time for a little shut eye after spending time in a place that still exists in a small time bubble from my past. It was nice to visit but I'm glad I don't live there anymore.

09:16



Friday, January 25, 2002
 
This is not a cry for help. I'm too chicken to actually hurt myself...but I have to admit that for the past month I have pondered the idea of suicide. For the first time in my life I've tried to think about life without me in it. I know that there would be a lot of people left behind really mad that I had taken my life and that makes me feel good. It keeps me here. It makes me realize that I do matter to my friends, my family and people who I call acquaintences. A friend of mine committed suicide last April...his name was Rick. I miss him a lot lately. I think because so much time has passed since he did it that the longing to talk to him has grown stronger. Sometimes I feel like I need to catch up on what he has been doing, and then I remember that he is gone. It is a strange feeling. He wasn't sick. He wasn't old. But I know he felt that his life was over. I understand why he did it but I wish he hadn't. Not working makes you feel less productive. You feel outside of society. I don't have a live in boyfriend so the days kind of meldge (if that is a word) into one another. There is no regular cycle of someone getting up to go to work and then coming home to me at the end of the day. I've slept through many a day lately. Not seeing the point. When I have an interview, I am motivated and feel like my old productive self. Otherwise...I'm a slug. Oh well. I'm writing this to set myself a new parameter. Next week I am going to get up at 7:30 and start my days like everyone else. Breakfast, coffee and the gym. Then I'll set out, dressed and armed with resumes to talk to anyone who will listen. Wish me luck!

22:12



 
Hey kids. I've been a bad blogger. I haven't really had the desire to let people peer into what has been becoming a less than interesting life. I spend most of my days in my apartment looking for work on the internet. Calling people about work. Looking through the papers for work. It sucks. Once in a while, I venture out into the daylight but most of the time I don't go outside until after dark...for dinner or drinks. It isn't that exciting. My friends have been great though and so I have stayed pretty optimistic about the whole thing. On Monday, I am going to start calling headhunters or placement firms and see if I can't work through them to get a job. For now...I'm just dating and hanging and not doing much of anything but laundry. Oh well...could be worse.

13:45



Tuesday, January 08, 2002
 
I have a huge obsession with vintage 70's gay porn. It's practically the only porn I find exciting. There is something about the graininess of the old film reels that have been transferred to video, and the grittiness of the men; with their dark, hairy chests, Tom of Finland bodies, attitudes and looks, (don't read the following if you are easily offended --> their ability to cum gobs and gobs of spunk,) and their seemingly intense interest in what they are doing, that really turns me on. I realize that most of these guys are probably dead seeing that everytime they had sex, they did so unprotected. But I also think, say it was 1975 and these guys were anywhere from 21 to 45 years old. They are now anywhere from 48 to 72 years old. Since they were in really good shape and have probably taken really good care of their bodies if they are still alive, I would love to produce a video with them in it now doing what they did best back then. Older, in shape guys are totally hot. I bet if they were given a chance to get it on in front of a camera again, it would make film history. Okay, I'm getting carried away.

09:18



Monday, January 07, 2002
 
It's a new year but it's still the same old thing. I still haven't had an interview and I'm starting to think that this unemployment thing is going to last longer than I had expected or planned for. It's starting to make me more than a little nervous. I don't know why I haven't been blogging, maybe I'm just not that enthusiastic about my life right now. For those of you who are working, believe me, having somewhere to go each and every day is preferable to watching tv and sending out resumes ad nauseum.

14:51



 
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