Tuesday, October 30, 2001 Love at first sight? Uh oh kids. Mikey's got a problem. Another one? you ask. Well, yes. I think I met the man I've been looking for. It happened unexpectedly and I have that feeling. Do you know the feeling? The one where you can't stop thinking of the person. Where looking at him makes you swoon inside your head. Where you think of ways that you can spend time with him. THAT feeling. The problem is that I still have feelings for Guy. The new man I'll call Scott. He lives here in New York and has for 18 years or so. He won't be leaving the country and me every two weeks for weeks on end like Guy does. But I like Guy. He'll be back tomorrow. He called me and told me that he misses me. I miss him but because of circumstances I've always remained somewhat distant and protected myself from getting too close to him. Scott is approachable. He is really sexy and funny and talkative. You know what?!?! Yikes. He looks like Steven (see October 22). That isn't that uncommon though. He's my "type". If I got most of my boyfriends in one room, it would be creepy to see how much alike they all look. But my quandry is whether I should just let things go as they are or if I should say something to Guy. That might be stupid. "Hey Guy, I met someone recently who I think I like more than I like you." Ouch. That wouldn't be right. I'll just let things remain as is for now and see what happens.
I keep having this really upseting dream (I guess that would qualify as a nightmare) and I had it again last night. What happens is I get on the N/R aka the Q/W line of the subway at Times Square. I have my backpack over my shoulder and my walkman on. Just before the doors close, this guy hurls a smoldering canister into the train car screaming something I can't understand. The doors close, the train starts moving and then the canister pops. It doesn't explode but this yellowish/greenish gas comes out of it. I figure out what is happening so I reach into my backpack and pull out my gas mask and put it on. At the far end of the car, where the canister is, people start dropping like flies. They are clutching at their throats and gagging. Everyone in the car starts to realize what is going on and panic breaks out. Near me is a mother with a small child and she starts clawing at my gas mask, trying to pull it off my face. She is screaming, "Give it to my daughter!" But I fight her off. This is when it gets really upsetting because everyone in the car (including the little girl) starts dropping dead all around me. Those who are still standing are fighting me for the mask and I won't give it to them, but they don't last long. The train pulls into 34th Street and I climb over all of the bodies and bolt from the car screaming for everyone to get back. But people who are on the platform very close to the train are enveloped in the gas and start dropping themselves. I run to the turnstyles and toward the stairs in hysterics and then I wake up in a sweat. I hate this dream.
Thursday, October 25, 2001 This is why I have never made scads of money or understand computers very well... I AM 3% GEEK.
I wanna be a geek. But I'm not. Why would
I even want to be one. Do I think it's fun?
I should try writting an online test application at 1
am in my underwear.
Just for the record...I got laid off on Monday. It was a messy affair. I tend to cry under stress so you can imagine what an impression that left on my co-workers and former bosses. I was a waterworks, not because I was sad (I got quite a good severance package) but because I get overwhelmed when under duress. Besides, I've always thought that beet-red bloodshot eyes were sexy! So, the next day I jumped on a train to Boston for a change of scenery. I figured if I stayed in New York I would just mope around for days on end and get nothing done. On the train I updated my resume, wrote down the names of everyone I know to start "networking" (you are warned) and made several of my famous "to-do" lists. I am a list maker. If you are one, you know what I mean. It is the ultimate in security blankets. If I have a list, I feel safe. If you aren't a list maker it is probably too difficult for you to understand the meaning of having a well organized and complete list to help you accomplish everything from everyday errands to complicated life goals. Lists are life. My sister is a list maker, my mother is not. My sister and I think my mother is out of her mind to actually leave the house to go shopping without even thinking about making a list...we shudder. My mother thinks that we have some sort of mild form of obsessive compulsive disorder and sees our list making "compulsion" as a defect in our personalities. So, one Christmas, I wrote my mother a list of reasons why lists were useful and important and wrapped it as her Christmas gift. She found it creepy, my sister found it informative.
Anyway, anyone who knows anything about any company that is hiring in either New York City, London or the Greater Boston area, let me know. THANKSEVERSOMUCH!
I bet you all think you know me...but my past is quite different from my present. I tested:
I AM 41% PUNK.
The intelligent punk. Tuff and Smart. I
may be able to maintain a train of thought
long enough... What the fuck was I talking
Monday, October 22, 2001
So Michael, who was the first person you ever loved?
Hmmm, good question. I don't know.
Come on, sure you do.
Well, there was David and then Matt...
Did you love them.
I thought I did.
Then you didn't.
What do you mean?
I mean that if you aren't sure then you weren't in love.
Who was your first love?
Who is he?
The first guy I fell in love with...
Oh. Why did you fall in love with him?
Because he was what I wanted to be.
What does that mean?
He was an openly gay man, independent, handsome, and...
and he was a bartender.
You wanted to be a bartender?
What 22 year old man doesn't want to be a bartender?
Besides...he was 30 and I was 22 going on 23.
An older man.
Did he love you?
Well, maybe he did...I met his family.
Did they like you?
Did he like you?
I think he did.
What happened to the relationship? Why did it end.
I'm not sure. But it may have had to do with Montreal.
What happened there?
He took me to the Dali exhibit.
and it was wonderful.
So what happened?
I got drunk and ended up kissing a Canandian boy who smelt really nice.
Stephen caught me doing it.
It was never the same after that.
I miss him still.
Yes. As a matter of fact, Guy reminds me of him.
Is that so?
Does that bother you?
Because I'm afraid that I am trying to regain what I lost 13 years ago.
That's what I say.
Are you afraid?
If you saw Stephen again, what would you do?
Throw my arms around him.
What would he do?
He would walk away...
Are you sure?
Do you miss him?
Do you feel old when you think about him?
In a way I do. It was so long ago and I was so young then...now I'm not.
Where is he now?
I have no idea...
Yeah, I know.
Love hurts sometimes, doesn't it.
Yes, it does.
What is your favorite memory of Stephen?
Buying ice cream at the grocery store at 4 am.
Why is that your favorite memory?
Because I knew I loved him then...it was summer and I was young and I never wanted my world to change.
But it did...
Do you miss him?
Does he miss you?
I have no idea...
Friday, October 19, 2001
I'm sure everyone has seen this...but it makes me chuckle.
Taliban TV Guide
7:30 - "I Dream of Fatima"
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
7:30 - "I Love Sheep"
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darnest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
7:30 - "Talibantubbies"
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attack"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
7:30 - "Hanging With Mr. Hijacker"
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
7:30 - "This Old Tent"
8:00 - Movie of the Week "Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves"
8:30 - "Khalid and his Camel"
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darnest Things"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-Witness News"
Thursday, October 18, 2001
My head keeps telling me that everything is fine and that my world is getting back to normal but my gut keeps telling me otherwise. That something is very, very wrong. That something awful is about to happen. Something that will affect me and either radically change or possibly destroy my life. I hope my head is right.
Tuesday, October 16, 2001 Please take these lips, even if they have been kissed a million times... Time and time again I have tried to figure out what my favorite song is. I keep coming back to one so I think I can say that this is it...
Stay by Me by Annie Lennox. I think because it details my impossible dream. To have someone who will truly stay by me with all my idosyncracies and imperfections and still be "so blind in love". I thought I had that once, I was unfortunately very wrong. But I still believe it could happen. At least I hope it can. Besides, her voice is angelic in this song.
Monday, October 15, 2001
And if his head wasn't big enough...
Friday, October 12, 2001
When I try to access my blogpage at work, I get this:
You were denied access because:
Access denied by SmartFilter content category. The requested URL belongs to the following category:
At least someone finds my page entertaining...even if it is only a computer program.
So what if the woman who contracted Anthrax in New York works across the street from where I work. I'm not nervous. So what if 51st Street was closed off this morning as I came to work with literally hundreds of police swarming about. I'm not nervous. So what if I feel like I'm living in constant fear and the FBI has issued a high alert warning for this weekend. I'm not nervous...I'm terrified. Unfortunately, the terrorists are getting from me exactly what they want. Unbridled fear.
Much to my delight, I bumped into Charlie last night at the Food Emporium of all places. Much to my dismay, he informed me that he is moving to New Orleans next week. I am happy for him because it seems like he had to jump over hurdle after hurdle just to get by in New York. Now, it seems like he can take a little breather and live in a very interesting, fun and historic place...for much less. I often toy with the idea of packing it all up and moving away from New York. I may have that opportunity very soon since layoffs will be announced on October 22nd. I'm ashakin' in my shoes! On a selfish note, with the hubbub of summer just coming to an end, I thought I would have more opportunities to hang out with Charlie around town. Now I won't and that bums me out. I did promise to visit him the Big Easy...that will be fun.
Thursday, October 11, 2001
I really haven't been blogging lately. Why, well, I think I am in love. I mean it. I haven't told the object of my affection that I'm feeling the love in a hyperdrive sort of way but, nichtsdestoweniger (nonetheless), I certainly am. I spent Friday evening, most of the day Saturday and Satnight, all day Sunday (at the beach), Monday evening and night, Tuesday night, and Wednesday night with Guy. In between there were loads of e-mails and a couple long phone calls. He told me I was romantic. My cheeks hurt from all the silly grinning! Who's happier than me?!?! Well, there is a downside...let's call it the cloud around the silver lining...Guy might have to move back to Paris for the next 3 months. He's gone back for two weeks to take care of some business over there and then it will be decided. It makes me realize that he could be sent back for good, forever, at any time. So I guess that is keeping me from being to open or honest with my feelings and emotions because, well, it might be very painful if he does leave for good. In the meantime, the conversations, the way he smells, the amazing sex we have that gets better each and every time, and the laughter are all exactly what I needed at this point in my life. Did I mention he likes to cuddle at night... :)
Monday, October 08, 2001
My IT department has set up a Smart Filter on our systems. I can no longer look at blogs at work because they fall under the smart filter category of Entertainment... I guess it doesn't really matter to them if I only looked at them during lunch.
Friday, October 05, 2001
For some reason this really hit me and brought all the emotion about the WTC back up to tears this afternoon...
"At the site, laborers continued to dig by hand for bodies and evidence. Although the skyscrapers contained millions of square feet of office space, crews are finding no desks, telephones, computers or fax machines in the wreckage. All that exists are large steel girders, chunks of concrete and endless piles of dust.
'That's the weird thing,' said Alan Bennett, 32, an iron worker. 'There's a lot of dead people in there, we know that. And thousands more made it out, but we haven't seen any sign that life ever existed in those buildings.'"
How can the personal and professional lives of over 5,000 people just evaporate into thin air?
Thursday, October 04, 2001
I just got off the phone with my mom. My parents are so freaked out by the fact that I live in New York. They live in a moderately sized town in Southern New Hampshire, about 25 miles directly north of Boston. It is hard to convince them that things here are okay because quite frankly I don't believe for a second that they are. But, I put that "don't worry" tone in my voice and let them go on and on about how awful this is. They are worried, about me, about the possibility of war, and about this country which they love very much. My parents are quintesstially (sp?) American. Not like midwestern America (meaning overbearing and loud) but very American. They are confused that people have any type of animosity toward the US. At their age, it isn't worth the discussion as to why certain nations and/or groups see us as the root of all evil. It would just upset them further and wouldn't really clarify things. They are the product of the Cold War/McCarthy Era, fearful of all those who are different and potentially communists. Imagine how they felt when their oldest son (me) announced that he was taking German in high school and then later announced that he was going to study in Germany for a year. Why I wanted to go study with those Nazis was way beyond them. But they did come visit for 10 days whilst I was there and I really feel that I helped to open their eyes to the world if even just a millimeter. They still have a problem with my secular humanism and socialistic political views not to mention that I am a big fag (although that is less of an issue, at least I'm not a pinko communist). But...I love them and they love me.
Wednesday, October 03, 2001 Getting obsessive now...
gotten v : got. (remnants in UK: ill-gotten gains and forgotten.)
"(from Cambridge International Dictionary of English)
gotten Am, Australian informal past participle of get
I've gotten (=I have) some new shoes.
They were so pleased that they'd finally gotten to visit (=succeeded in visiting) England."
I must protest, however, because "I've gotten some new shoes." does not mean "I have new shoes." It means "I just purchased (or received or acquired) some new shoes." "I have some new shoes." would be "I've got some new shoes." The folks at Cambridge Int'l Dictionary are wrong on this one.
I had a little back and forth e-mail debate with a couple of English bloggers about the word "gotten". I was told that it does not exist in British English. Well, being who I am, I couldn't believe that such a perfectly functional word would be completely banished from one version of the English language while being indispensible in another. So, I marched my cute self down to the bookstore to investigate. I went to the reference section to compare the usage of gotten as explained by an American Dictionary and a British Dictionary. I looked at Webster's Dictionary of the American Language and basically it described gotten as the word used by Americans to describe progression over time, "My hair has gotten longer this summer." Got is used just to describe a state of being, "I haven't got any money." (gotten is also used in subjunctive..."I would have gotten a new bike, but I didn't have any money.") Unfortunately, when I tried to compare this to the Oxford English dictionary, the only thing I could find was the Oxford American Dictionary. It seems that none of the chain bookstores sell the British version. I'll have to hit the library to see if I can find out what's has happened to gotten on the other side of the Atlantic. Don't you Brits ever say, "What has gotten into you?" or "We couldn't believe how lost we had gotten."?
Tuesday, October 02, 2001
"Normal" prevailed on Friday! Life is good.
I took yesterday off. Just needed a day. Spent too much money on things I don't really need just to support the NYC economy as we have been asked to do. I guess my $150 helps in some small way. Anyway, Guy returned to New York on Sunday evening and we got together. After spending the night I decided that the next time we get together, I was going to let him know how I really feel about him...and the word love had definite potential to be uttered. Well, last night I went to dinner with a friend and for a drink after at Barrage. When I was leaving Barrage to go home, who is walking up my street toward the glorious fifth floor apartment to see me but Guy. Can I just state for the record that he is absolutely adorable. So, we go back to Barrage for a nightcap. While we are there, we have a nice conversation except for this one thing. He said, "I hope that I am not keeping you from meeting the right person, because I'm not the right person for you." I asked him what he meant and basically he just isn't looking for a commitment. He doesn't want the time I spend with him to be time that I could be spending with other guys if a relationship is what I am looking for. Not what I was hoping to hear. What to do, what to do, what to do? Hmmm.
It's not that I'm looking for a relationship. I like what I have with him. It's casual and comfortable and I enjoy his company very much. Isn't that a relationship, even if it is part time? I think it has to do with the guy back in France that he is seeing. I don't know. Maybe he senses that I'm sending out that love vibe thang and it frightens him... I'm going to tell him how I feel anyway. You have to go out on a limb in life once in a while.