Tuesday, July 31, 2001 This is what I need to do tonight:(not in this order)
Call my sister
Go to the gym
Go grocery shopping
Drop clothes at laundramat
Go to Therapy
Change sheets on bed
Organize things I want to sell on sidewalk on Saturday...
This is what I will do: Go to Therapy
Go to bed
(I can feel it already. I know me. I will get nothing done.)
I've added a new blogger to my sidebar. Welcome Locotek! I look forward to reading you daily.
Although I have talked to several adept bloggers about the problem, I still can't get my archives to post or re-post or whatever. ANY suggestions would be appreciated. Charlie is now starting to rib me about their absence, and rightly so. Please help.
I think my mood is sinking. This happens from time to time. I have no idea why. It's almost cyclical and I should be used to it by now but I'm not. There are a lot of things playing into it. Not making enough money is a big part of it also I think I want Guy to be my boyfriend. Hmmm...interesting. When I focus on the things I don't have I get the sinking feeling. Maybe I should focus on what I do have. Seems perfectly reasonable, nicht wahr?
Monday, July 30, 2001
It's as simple as this...I am not a graphic artist. However, the project I am currently working on requires that I have the skills, foresight and the ability to deftly manipulate bitmap images that a graphic artist would have. I'm fucked. I have been working on the same tiny little graphic I snagged from our website all day. Eeek.
The following afternoon, I had the pleasure of having brunch with Jonathan. I can’t begin to explain how intensely interesting, witty and enjoyable Jonathan is. He’s one of those people that you take an immediate liking to, someone you want to be your friend, someone who loves to laugh, someone you just want to hug because you get this burst of intense affection just talking to him. After brunch, we walked from 54th Street to 34th Street (passing the infamous Cleo’s 9th Avenue Saloon along the way) and went to look for a digital camera. Unfortunately, B&H (the store Sparky recommended) was closed for cryptic reasons. So, I asked Jonathan if he would like to join me on the Lackawanna Railroad Barge where they have set up an open-air cocktail bar on the Hudson River. He did. We met my friend John, his friend Glenn and John’s roommate Leland. Time being what it is, it passed. Jonathan had to leave to catch the Kiki and Herb show so it was time for goodbye. I’ve felt a little down since. So even though I had just begun the process of getting to know Jonathan, I had to bid him goodbye. I didn’t have an opportunity to see David again. I have a slight sense of loss but I feel that I truly lived life this weekend. I am, however, acutely aware today of the “sweet, sad passage of time”.
The joy in life is realizing that you are actually living.
The sorrow is the realization that each day that passes is another one gone, never to return.
I had the pleasure of meeting David and Jonathan this week and spending time with them this weekend. I truly enjoy meeting new people but it is rare that you meet people that you want to become a permanent fixture in your life. But unfortunately, my life is here, and each of them has a life on the opposite side of the Atlantic. Physically very far away, psychologically just around the corner…at least in the ever-shrinking world we live in. On Saturday, I spent a wonderful afternoon at PS 1 (the fantasticly gorgeous Long Island City outpost of the MOMA) at the summer celebration party they have called Warmup with Jonathan, David and Sparky. The day offered us art, music, fashion, food, dance, sunshine, fresh air, cool temparatures, beautiful visages, views of Manhattan, cooling mist, free CDs, and most importantly, laughter. We accepted them all. It was one of the most enjoyable afternoons I have ever spent in New York City. I was for all intents and purposes with people I hardly knew but I felt relaxed, comfortable and un-judged. The afternoon/evening ended with a subway ride and conversation with the adorable, intelligent David who was off to an adventure of his own in the city that I am finally growing to love.
Friday, July 27, 2001
He asked how he could make things right.
He asked if he could have another chance.
"No, you've used up all your chances."
He screamed that I was being an asshole.
"People who you break up with tend not to want to be your best friend for a while, if ever."
He whined about how it wasn't fair.
"Life is often unfair."
Then he said the words that ring through my head whenever I think about him.
"Please don't leave me!"
He was sobbing so uncontrollably that it ripped my soul out of my body and threw it up against the wall and although it seems to have found it's way back into my body (eventually), it has never fit quite the same since. (It likes to maintain a safe distance from any type of emotional situation these days. It acts more as an observer than a participant.) His pleas went on for about a half an hour. I felt like the most heartless beast on the face of the planet but I had tried everything I could think of during the course of the prior year to make things right. I wish I could have said, "Okay, I won't leave you...everything will work out just fine." But I couldn't because I knew that things wouldn't work out. So I just said, "It's over. Please accept that." He never really has accepted it and still makes half-hearted attempts to get back into my life, even a year and a half later. I miss him, and today I just can't stop thinking about that conversation. That night, in the dark of my apartment, with the clean smell of my sheets and the feeling of the phone pressed against my ear, and the coldness I could feel on what was his side of the bed I could have let him back but I made the decision not to. It still haunts me but it was the right decision. I'll get through today.
It was a night that I had really wanted to just go to sleep because it had been a long week, it was early spring and the weather was shitty, I wasn't feeling well and the breakup from the almost 8 year relationship had occurred only about a week before. I felt empty, alone and very weary. So I crawled into bed at about 11 and fell asleep almost immediately. It's not hard for me to fall asleep when I'm depressed. It is like a welcome escape. It's the easiest way to avoid all the problems. But not long after I fell asleep, the phone rang. I answered. It was him. The man I had loved for many, many years. The man whose voice I recognize better than my own. The man that I had remained faithful to...monogamous to...for the entire time we were a couple except the last two dramatic months of our doomed relationship. He was crying and talking calmly about missing me.
I really want today to be over. I keep thinking about things in my past that I don't like to think about and usually don't. They include: my breakup, bad money decisions, bad life decisions, inappropriate things I have said that I wish I could take back and the time I had to listen to my ex's voice as he begged me to come back to him after we broke up. I just don't have the strength to keep the demons out today. If I shake my head and concentrate on my work I'm okay, but the second the mind wanders, back in they march.
Thursday, July 26, 2001
I stand corrected by Mr. Boyes...it is "Sat In Your Lap" (not Sat ON Your Lap) by the multi-talented Kate Bush. I knew that, obvious Freudian slip. Now you know where my mind was yesterday morning. Oh, and Dave, thanks for the complement. I'm not only looking good (blush) I'm feeling good, too!
Wednesday, July 25, 2001
Oh, in addition, Jonathan and David did win the pop quiz at Phoenix last night. (It was an abridged one question left side of the pond quiz to make them feel at home) The question was: "Who sang the lyric, 'I want to be a lawyer, I want to be a scholar but I really can't be bothered." I gave them five minutes: Went and got a beer, chatted with some old friends I bumped into, came back - and they still had no answer. David had it on the tip of his tongue but didn't get it until I gave them a clue..."oooh just give me, give me, gimme gimme gimme gimme." I didn't even want the name of the song, just the artist. Well, they got it...finally. Kate Bush - Sat on Your Lap.
What is today? I am exhausted. Went to the Supercalafragalisticexpialadocious Hyper-trendy trans-Atlantic International Jet Set la-dee freakin' da Gay Blog Meat last night at Phoenix (which was quite pleasantly air-conditioned by the way with 2 fer 1 drafts) and tied on maybe more than too many. Met quite a few of my fellow bloggers of the American variety as well as Jonathan and David. Got along with all in attendence...and with one in particular. (For me to know and you to find out.) I would like to do it again some time. Here's a pic (you have to scroll down the page) of the folks who were there...thanks to Ultrasparky for this one.
Friday, July 20, 2001
I've thought of a word to add to my list! See Left <---------
Dave has found a word he quite likes...foist. I can't add it to my list though because it is too commonplace in New York. Examples: "Drive down 42nd Street cross over Second Avenue and make a turn when you get to Foist." "I don't care if you want the last bagel, I'm taking it because I saw it foist." So unfortunately, it won't be added to my list which is still only four words...if I think hard I can certainly add another by day's end.
Thursday, July 19, 2001
The other day I was walking down Broadway and I noticed that there were a disproportionate amount of freaks around me. I would look to my right...man picking nose while talking to the trash can. I would look to my left...woman swatting at imaginary insects apparently dive bombing her in such a violent manner that she keep dodging and ducking. And on and on...of course none of these fine citizens had been anywhere near running water or soap in quite some time. So, I decided that it would be safe to do something freakish myself. I wanted to see how far I could walk while holding my breath. Of course it was in the manner that my cheeks were distended, that is what made it freaky. I got about two blocks before I had to breathe. Not bad considering I had to avoid obstacles and fellow pedestrians as well as having to wait for the crossing light. The best part was that only one person really noticed; a little boy of about 9 or 10 who immediately inhaled and held his breath like I was. I wonder how far he got?
"People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative."
Tuesday, July 17, 2001 I'll never amount to a hill of beans, and certainly not to a town of beans...or is that a Beantown?
Why is it that when my life in New York is going relatively well, I sometimes get these strange yearnings to cocoon back in the cozy little city I consider my adopted hometown? That town would be Boston. I think of the small winding streets that really don't go anywhere except to the next small winding street. A place where people still quaintly call city streets "roads" like they are made of dirt or something. Where there are height restrictions for buildings and historical committees that are draconian in there mission to preserve all that comes from antiquity (well, American antiquity anyway which really isn't that long ago) and where people speak with my natural accent, one that I have fought to hide but sometimes let slip out. A place where I understood the people, the way of life, the ins and outs of the local politics and the strange little idosincracies that make up life there. I don't think I want to live there again right now per se, but I sometimes wonder what my life would be like now if I had just stayed put in a place that I really did consider home. The reasons I left aren't really important now but when I did leave it was life altering. It took years to feel human again because New York was like a foreign country or a strange new planet that I just could not relate to. I like that I feel comfortable in New York now...that I understand its complexities. But every now and then, I feel that pang of missing a place that I really loved, where I fit in and felt happy and I wonder if I did the right thing by leaving it and if I were to go back, if I could ever re-adjust. Maybe that's what the feeling is, the knowledge that I can never really go back to the way things were.
Monday, July 16, 2001
The weekend consisted of a series of events that seem to have just run into each other without really relating to each other. It was beautiful weather-wise but although I had planned to go to the beach, I never quite made it there. Friday night proved to me that I was running on empty for most of the week. I over extended myself over vacation on the previous week and it continued right through my work week. Meeting boys in bars, going to dinner and staying over Guy's house, working late, going to the gym every night just really caught up with me. So, although I had made tenative plans with Nick on Friday night, I ended up falling asleep at 6:45 pm and not waking up until 7 am Saturday morning. I was slightly confused when I woke up because my clock read 7:00 and I was still wearing the clothes from the previous evening so I was unsure if it was AM or PM. It was AM. I got a lot done Saturday morning (being well rested and all) and ended up going to a Mets game with my friend John. It was a lot of fun. Not being a baseball fan I wasn't too sure that it would be fun, but it was. We went to dinner and later drinks with Nick. In bed at 1 AM.
Sunday was really a nothing day. I had a sore throat and so I stayed in bed listening to music until about noon. The sun was shining but I just couldn't be bothered. I'm sure that I will regret that when the weather turns cold but it was perfect for how I was feeling. I managed to get myself together to join Alan and friends for brunch at Viceroy at 2 PM. It was nice and casual. I then met up with Nick and we saw the new Tom Twyker film "The Princess and the Warrior" (Der Krieger und die Kaiserin). Being a fan of his films and really enjoying Franke Potente's acting skills made the movie quite enjoyable (besides it's in German which I always enjoy). The absolute added bonus though was Benno Furmann as Bodo. I have a new fantasy man. I can't tell you how gorgeous this man is. If he were an entree on a restaurant menu, I would order two! Go see the film if you have the chance.
Friday, July 13, 2001 It must be like shoving a marshmallow through the slot of a piggy bank, BUT...
My sister did it, I am an auntie. She had a baby last night slightly before 8 pm EDT and named her Jacqueline Elizabeth. I think that is a beautiful name. I celebrated with Guy. Mother and daught are doing just fine.
Thursday, July 12, 2001
Here's a p.s. I'm waiting to hear if I am an aunt or an uncle. My sister is having a baby today and we don't know what sex it is, yet. I naturally prefer Auntie Michael but I have this feeling it will be uncle.
Okay, vacation...being at my parents was relaxing. Nice bed, good food, pool, sun etc etc...but getting to Provincetown was like being set free for a few days. It's nice to be in a town that is more gay than straight. Those who are straight are accepting. The weather was fantastic, the men were beautiful, the ocean was right out the window, I bumped into some old friends...I just had a great time. Things got a little weird when my friend's invited guest became my bedmate for the evening but it all worked out in the end. I said to myself that I was just going to relax and let go of all my insecurities and doubts while I was there because I've realized that to have a good time around a unending gaggle of gay men (which of course can be very intimidating) is just to smile and be yourself. If you put people at ease, they respond to you. I met so many people just by saying "hi". Walking down the street, drinking at the A-house, driving in the car. A smile, a wave, a hello all usually turned into a really interesting conversation. I try to be like that in New York, but I tend to be more open in a place where I am relaxed...and it really pays off. I know that I will never be the most in shape, best looking person in the room but is that really a goal that I should strive for? I think a lot of gay men do. They get so wrapped up in how they look or even worse, how they are perceived that they forget to develop a good, engaging, interesting personality. Of course this isn't true for everybody. I met some delicious hotties who also were quite adroit at interacting with those around them in a very positive way. I'm so glad I went. Next up, Ogunquit (in August).
Monday, July 09, 2001 This link makes for fascinating reading...and after reading it you will be on the cutting edge of the world of sexual slang. Now I'm going to try and find a job where I get to sit on a peg all day...do you have to be British to get into the British Navy?
Back at work...I have so much to blog about from vacation. I had an amazing time in Provincetown. I haven't quite processed all that happened over vacation enough to blog about but I will... here are a couple of random thoughts:
"It's not a wart, it's a sore." (Oh, well in that case it's okay.)
"Michael, I just found this cockring in the bed while I was making it...is it yours?" (It was.)
Thursday, July 05, 2001
I'm on vacation! I am headed to Cape Cod this morning. So far the va-kay hasn't been too taxing. I never got to Kenneth's an Foti's thanks to the 2 hours of traffic I sat in in Connecticut. The normally 3 hour drive from NYC turned into a 6 hour ordeal.Oh well. It is humid in New Hampshire and supposed to rain this afternoon but I'm not bothered.