Friday, June 29, 2001
It's late Friday afternoon/early evening and I'm in the process of finishing up all of my workbefore I go on a week's vacation. Tomorrow I'm visiting friends in Connecticut for the day, Sunday I'm spending in the city cleaning my apartment and packing for vacation. Monday I'm driving up to Boston to visit my friend Kenneth and his boyfriend Foti. Tuesday and Wednesday I'm going to visit my parents (for the Independence Day Holiday) then Wednesday night I am driving to Provincetown on Cape Cod to spend a couple of days with my friend/co-worker Joe at the beach. I should be back in the city on Friday evening. Hopefully tanned and rested but probably exhausted from all the driving!
I'm not really into morbidity but I found my own personal death clock to be...how shall I say...motivational. Time's a-tickin'.
Thursday, June 28, 2001
Can I just say that the Depeche Mode concert last night was fantastic. Out of this world. A blast. My throat hurts today from all the yelling. At one point I felt like I was 22 years old all over again! I had forgotten what a huge roll their music played during my coming out years...Janice was a lot of fun to go with and it was a great night all in all.
Of course I couldn't just go home after, I went to Barrage and seeing as I was already half in the bag from the drinks before and during the concert, I figured I should climb all the way in. The bartender assisted me on my mission by giving me 2 free drinks. Plus the 3 I bought made for a rather intoxicated me. I guess that's why I decided that I needed to break the belief that my friends have about me that I have strange taste in men. So, I looked around the bar, found the most universally attractive guy there and decided that I would talk to him. He was tall, with dark hair, chiseled face and great body. I went right up to him and struck up a conversation. We talked for a long while, he lives very close to me, and is actually very interesting. I was thrilled when he gave me not only his telephone number but also a kiss when he left and he said, "Hope to see you again, handsome." This addonis of a man called me handsome. I guess there is hope for me yet! I wish I had a picture because I think my friends would say that he is great looking and therefore I could dispell the myth that I only go for quirky looking guys...the only problem is that this guy really wasn't my type.
Wednesday, June 27, 2001 You wear guilt, like shackles on your feet, like a halo in reverse... I just got the most amazing call from my friend/co-worker Janice, she is giving me a FREE ticket to see Depeche Mode tonight at Madison Square Garden!!! I am sooo excited. Stuff like this never happens to me. I have never seen them in concert and I was at one time a huge fan. I still really enjoy them and think this might reignite my interest in their music. Did I mention the seats are 18th row center!!!! Who's better than Janice?!?!?!
Ahhh...the dog days of summer are here. The temps are in the 90's for the next few days, I guess that qualifies as a heat wave. I am thrilled! It's only now that the cold of winter is finally released from my bones. I feel like a new person. The only problem of course is the plethora of unpleasant smells that catch you off guard as you walk down the streets of Manhattan on a hot and humid afternoon. "What is that? A dead body?"
Tuesday, June 26, 2001
For some reason I have this really deep feeling of contentment lately. It's strange. It's unusual for me. I mean, money, work, dating, etc are all issues but they aren't getting to me anymore. I really feel that I am turning my life around. I spent so many years just dreading getting up in the morning but that is in the past. Yesterday, I took the afternoon off from work and I went to Central Park. It was a gorgeous day, sunny, warm and not very humid. I sat in my favorite spot, on a hill overlooking the fountain, and I got some sun. I know it's bad for you, and with my sun damaged skin even worse for me, but it felt good. I went for a true stroll...I usually walk very fast but I felt like taking my time. The thing that really hit me is how amazingly beautiful sunlight looks when it is filtered through a mass of old trees. I know that I have read somewhere that some of the oldest trees in the United States are found in Central Park but yesterday I realized it. I walked down the main promenade which is surrounded by extremely old and very beautiful American Elm trees. These trees have to be as old as the Park itself so they are probably about 160 years old. The most interesting thing about this is that most of the Elm trees in the U.S. were wiped out by Dutch Elm Disease sometime in the late 1800's. Apparently, these trees survived. Possibly because the Park is separated from the rest of the natural world buy the city. It's strange to think that trees might actually benefit from being surrounded by a city but I guess it's possible. Anyway, they form a soaring canopy over the wide walkway and it is absolutely stunning. I was in awe. I'm noticing things lately that normally would have made no impact on me because of other distractions. I guess those distractions are falling away and that makes me glad. However, it does remind me of something my grandmother once said that is ringing disconcertingly in my head, "People tend to notice and savor the beauty of the world around them right before it's their time to die." She said this a week before she herself died. We had been talking about the ocean and although she spent nearly every summer of her life next to it, she said she never truly noticed it's beauty until that year.
Monday, June 25, 2001 Impressions of Gay Pride NYC 2001 - Evening and Beyond Leave View
Pecs and butts
Rainbow Flags and Rainbow-colored people
"The ugly stick seems to have missed this part of town."
Goodbyes to John and Jimmy
Walk crosstown to Nick's
Stop in Union Square Park to watch sun setting in an urban canyon
Sun behind me, golden light on everything and everyone before me
Soft air, blue sky
Dinner with Nick at 7A
Nick - Coffee and Turkey burger
Me - BASS ALE and mushroom ravioli
Laughing and talking outside on a beautiful June summer evening
Told I tend to talk non-stop
Realize I talk non-stop
Have an indepth conversation about my non-stop talking
Boiler Room drinks
Bump into Michael, don't know him that well but we chat
He and his friends leave
Back to Nick's to get my bag
Check e-mail, nothing from Guy :(
Nick's roommate comes in...Happy Pride
Walk to subway
Get off subway and greet prostitutes along the way
Go to Barrage?
Climb all the stairs and feel every single one (leg work out earlier)
Take a shower
Go to bed before I change my mind and go to Barrage.
Pretty good life in a really amazing city.
Fall asleep content and happy.
Impressions of Gay Pride NYC 2001 - Afternoon Dykes on Bikes
"...but what I really want to see is Dykes on Trikes."
That little dog barking at Leland
Drag queen on rollerskates, one wheel falls off, Will (s)he make it to the finish line?
A bunch of people marching by.
All the police
Calling Nick to meet at Duplex
Going to Duplex
Not finding Nick
Going to Stonewall Bistro and sitting infront near the open "french" doors
"No this is not the entrance" x 50
No Bass Ale...Corona instead this time
And again this time.
Undercooked, overpriced burger
Burger taken away, new better cooked burger presented
For God's Sake man, put that shirt back on!
For God's Sake, take your shirt off!
The woman playing the piano...Carlos Joabim
AT&T Cellular Service unavailable for 3 hours
"Did an ugly stick fall out of a plane and bounce all over this crowd?"
Walk to Chelsea
"I hope I have as much hair as you when I'm your age."
View, go to View
"I'll never get myself talked into taping a woman's breast down again."
Best T-shirt of the day spotted, "The Bitchy Queen Project" with the Blair witch symbol contorted into a woman with a shopping bag
NO Bass Ale
The wet rose
Killian's red ran dry...Samuel Adams instead
Call Nick, phone's working, he's home, let's go to dinner...8 pm
Impressions of Gay Pride NYC 2001 - A.M. (in chronological order)
7:15 Awake, sunlight in my eyes (a good sign)
Up and to the gym before I changed my mind
Two incredibly massive guys working out and punching each other in the chest (sexy in a weird way)
Leg workout (bad planning, lots of walking later)
Coffee on the way home
The eerily quiet streets of Sunday morning New York at 9 am
Shower, shave, dress, drink coffee, call John about Bagels and Mimosas
Subway to Brooklyn for Bagels and Mimosas at John's (lots of lesbians with babies on the train)
At John's: John, Leland, Patrick, Ian (cute), Jimmy, Stacey and of course, me
3 Mimosas, half a bagel
Painting right big toenail lavender, let dry, put sandal back on
Walking and talking with John to subway
John screaming because train leaving
Waiting for Manhattan Bound A train for 20 minutes
West 4th Street
Walking to Dojo Restaurant
The first of a few Bass Ales for the day...ahhhhh.
The second of a few Bass Ales...ahhhhh.
"I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, thank-you-very-much. There is a difference you know."
Chicken butt pad thai
Friday, June 22, 2001 June 18th post, Part Trois: I cried from 89th Street all the way to 47th Street, barely able to get out a single word. I wanted to say good luck, I'll miss you, and things like that but all that would come out were tortured whining sounds like a dog caught in a steel trap. I did manage an "I love you, too." before I got out of the car. I did a quick wave back and then darted the quarter block to my apartment looking like a crazed lunatic with tears and snot running down my face. Pretty. Anyway, that lasted pretty much all day. Rachel is one of the best, most accepting, wittiest, most fun and most beautiful people I have met in New York. She was one of the real friends I have made over that last year and certainly since my breakup. It was an important friendship, someone I could count on to be there when I needed an ear and someone that I simply liked being around. I am depressed that she is gone and will feel the void for quite some time.
June 18th post, Part Deux:Saturday, Ed and I got up late. It had been a fairly late night when all was said and done so I slept until 2 pm. Rachel had left a message to meet for lunch on the Upper West Side. I called her back and made arrangements. Ed and I got there shortly after 3 pm and Rachel and the crew (Gary, Ginny and Paula) were already eating. We chatted and it was then that I found out that she was leaving at 8 am on Sunday, not 6 pm as I had thought. I got a huge knot in my stomach because I had thought that we would have one more evening of laughing and talking, but that would not be the case. Rachel had to pack and go to bed early to get to the airport on time on Sunday morning. So Ed and I ate while the rest of the group chatted and waited for us to finish. We walked up to Rachel's friend Paula's condo so that I could get my laptop and answering machine that I had lent Rachel to use while she was in New York. Then the goodbyes started. Rachel said good bye to Ginny and Paula. Ginny got emotional so naturally I got teary. I just tend to fall apart at the slightest hint of sorrow. I would have made a great professional mourner in the Middle Ages. Rachel, Gary, Ed and I then left. Gary (the guy Rachel was dating) offered to give Ed and I a lift back to my apartment. I accepted and then said something like, "I can't believe you're leaving." to Rachel and the waterworks started.
This should have posted on June 18th: I haven't blogged for a while because I have been so swamped at work. We have a new director and things are looking up! He is on the ball and energetic. I think things are going to improve around here for us.
My good friend Rachel left New York for good on Sunday. She moved temporarily back to England before starting work in New Zealand. I have to admit that her leaving has utterly devestated me. Friday night she organized a little drinks party at a nice little East Village bar called Solas. It was fun and relaxed. I got to see a lot of her friends that I truly enjoy talking to but don't get that much opportunity to see. Rachel has a way of meeting and befriending people who turn out to be really quite interesting. Anyway, that lasted for a few hours, I left with my friend Ed (who had come for a visit) and Rick. The evening went a little haywire from then on but that is for another time.
Living in a city made of glass, steel and polished marble, I have gotten used to seeing my reflection dancing around me. I can see an image of myself every time I stroll down the street, buy lunch, run out to grab the paper or as the subway enters whatever station I am in. I can see millions of reflections a day. Most of the images are distorted. Not really reflecting back the true me; what I really look like or who I really am. Most of the time I just ignore all of these images because they are meaningless...like static on a radio. But when an image of yourself is reflected back from the mind of a close friend, and they produce a verbal image of how you are through their words, and it is something that you did not realize about yourself until it was shown to you, it has meaning. You pay attention. You see yourself more clearly than if you were to look directly into a mirror. I had that experience last night. A close friend of mine told me that I sometimes don't listen to what he has to say. At first I felt like getting defensive but the words were true. Turning that mirror on me must have been hard for him but I'm glad he did because I have a clearer picture of myself and can take the steps needed to be a better person and a better friend.
Thursday, June 21, 2001
I was manipulating and distorting the photo of Jonathan that he left on his blog site to entertain his blog masses, and as I twisted and turned his face I got that sickening feeling that on some karmic/cosmic level that he could feel it. Ewww. It really freaked me out. But I kept going. It's sort of like the belief that whatever thoughts people have about you somehow find their way to your subconscious and affect your thoughts and actions. Depending on your own mental strength, this can have either no or completely devastating consequences. "Think happy thoughts..."
Wednesday, June 20, 2001
Last night I met up with David's sister and niece for dinner. Alan, his friend Simon (English but living in Barcelona) and I all went with Karen and her daughter Melissa to a really fantastic Italian restaurant in Brooklyn Heights. It was a lot of fun. It was odd though to find myself (once again) being the only American in the group. It's strange how many foreignors I know. Karen and Melissa were both really delightful. Melissa is just 16 and seems to be quite intelligent and artistic. Karen is very witty and seems to be a fantastic mother. The trip here was a gift to Melissa for finishing her exams. I wish my mom had taken me abroad when I was 16. It was a beautiful night and we sat outside and chatted for hours. Very good food, very nice company. I then ended the evening with a call from Guy asking me if I wanted to come over for the evening. Naturally I said yes. Last night was very enjoyable all the way around so I am a very content man today. All is seemingly right with the world.
Tuesday, June 19, 2001
I am getting really pissed off. Blogger won't let me post multiple paragraph blogs. Is anyone else having this problem?
Wednesday, June 13, 2001
Well, Guy sent me one of the nicest e-mails I have gotten in a long time. Basically saying that being around me is simple and comfortable. He also said that he doesn't want to analyze it, he just wants to enjoy it. That would be enough for me for at least the near term. I'm happy about it.
HIV and AIDS have destroyed many lives in this world, but it has never touched the fact that there is always Hope.
Tuesday, June 12, 2001
I haven't blogged today (until now obviously). I can't seem to shake this sad feeling of dread today. A mild feeling of loneliness and depression. Sadness but not about anything or anyone in particular. I walked around at lunch time under the bright blue sky and beaming sun because I thought it would cheer me up. But it really didn't. It was warmer than I thought it would be so I got a little sweaty which always makes me cranky, this just added to the doldrums. I wonder why. In the back of my head I think it is because I am growing fonder of my French guy (I'll call him Guy for ease of reference) than I thought I would. It is great to spend time with him and we seem to get along so why can't that be enough for me. Guy will never be my "boyfriend" so what we have is what we will have. But, you know, this isn't really the reason I feel down. I think this is on my mind because I am down. I have to admit that I really wouldn't mind a full time, exclusive boyfriend now that the novelty of sleeping around with everything that moves has worn off. Not that I don't enjoy rampant casual sex, on the contrary, it's just that when the long term monogamous thing ended I was like a kid in a candy store. Now I'm that same kid, but feeling so sick of all that sugar that I can't really take anymore right now. I guess I just want a hug from someone who truly loves me. That would perk me up.
Monday, June 11, 2001
Well, they put Timothy McVeigh to death today. What he did was a heinous crime, but is an "eye for an eye" truly justice? Or is it simply revenge? The talking heads are bantering on about "closure" for the families of the victims, but is there ever truly closure when a loved one dies? I think that whatever any of the victims families have gone through, Timothy McVeigh's parents have gone through much more. Knowing that a person they brought into the world intentionally caused the deaths of almost 200 people (19 of them children) must have been horrible, having to go through the process of knowing that he became one of the most reviled humans in this country must have been terrible as well, but their having to suffer through the process of his execution is unfathomable. I'm not saying that what he did wasn't evil, it's just that the death penalty just doesn't seem to be the answer in my mind.
Does it matter that I have no idea how to work within the parameters of bisexuality? Anyone? Anyone?
Friday, June 08, 2001
To the British contingient that read this blog...I know how much Kylie means to you but the bitch ain't made even a slight dent in the music world here in the US of A. So why is she on the cover of this week's HX? And what is she planning? Read and find out.
Got an e-mail from the French guy I like. He'll be back in town this weekend and if all goes well, I'll be back in business this weekend "if ye know whats I means"! ;)
So I shave this morning like every other freakin' morning of my life but today the right side of my face decides it would would be a perfect day to subject me to the worst case of razor burn I have had in recent memory. And lucky me, it's not only painful, it's horribly unattractive! Fantastic. Jury Duty was a bust...there were too many of us. I have been rescheduled for October.
To my list of favorite English words (perfunctory, squeamish and trollop) I would like to add another...ilk. Not only do I love using and saying it, I love that it looks like it is missing a front letter. It looks more Norwegian than English. "Here in Norway we eat ilk and skernderhosten every Sunday." The list is now four. <------ See lefthand column.
Wednesday, June 06, 2001
I most likely won't be blogging for the next few days. I'll be dipping my toe into the wonderful world of Jury Duty. I hope I get a huge scandalous trial like the OJ trail and I am sequestered for weeks, then I can work with a ghost writer and release a book about my experiences, thoughts and yes, maybe even musings, about the trial and how it changed the American Legal System as we know it. Or maybe I'll just get to watch a bunch of prostitutes and drug dealers plead not guilty...
Are you happy? I was asked that question last night at therapy. I thought, "Am I happy." My response was, "I'm not unhappy." But what does that mean? So I have been obsessively thinking about this all day. On one level I think, what does it matter if I am happy. Is that what life is all about? Just to be happy? Does one need to be happy to enjoy life. On another level I think, what does "happy" even mean? To be content? To laugh? To smile all the time? To feel safe? To feel in control of life? What? What does it mean? When I think about it I have to say that in general I am happy. Could I be happier? Of course, who couldn't be? But do I feel like I have a good life with friends and opportunities to better myself? Yes. Do I have people I care about in my life who care about me? Yes. Do I know how to laugh when I need to? Oh yes. Do I feel a warmth in my soul when I listen to a piece of amazing music? Yes. So I guess I am happy. Or at least on my way to being happy. Or maybe simply able to delude myself into thinking I am happy. So here I am back again to the original question, what does "happy" even mean? I keep going around and around. You can see my quandry.
Tuesday, June 05, 2001
Okay, this "e" thing is getting out of control. I just opened an eMail from eMind (a vendor of ours) which was actually an eVite to an "eMergency" conference call to discuss our eBusiness eNitiative. eNough already! eGad!
More on the weekend, woke up to an absolutely gorgeous day on Sunday and went with Nick to brunch in the East Village at a place called Sidewalk. Could it be any cheaper? No. $7.95 for a huge brunch, outside including juice (or a cocktail) and coffee. Absolutely fantastic homefries! I had steak and eggs with homefries, salad, a bagel, coffee and orange juice. All that and we got to sit outside on the corner watching a simply gorgeous selection of boys and men parade by. I am amazed at the number of truly attractive people there are in this city, of every ilk. In the East Village everyone is so diverse, so unique, they aren't really cookie-cutter, Chelsea boys (although some are). You can find something to your liking whoever you are. However based on what I saw yesterday there's apparently still a two tattoo/two piercings below the neck minimum to live there.
The weekend was fun and relaxing. I ended up going out with Nick, John and Jimmy to a birthday party for a friend of John's at a nightclub called Idlewild. Idlewild was the name of JFK airport before they renamed it after the president's assassination. So naturally it has an airport/airplane theme. You walk in through a white enamel paneled gangway (like you are boarding a plane) and the club itself (more of a bar really) is long and narrow, as are most spaces in NYC. There are faux plane windows on the left-hand wall, first class seats along the side with tables placed for conversational seating. The bar looks like it came from the upper level of a 747, it is round and very airplane-esque. The style is more of a vintage 747 a.k.a. the Airplane disaster films of the 70's. It was interesting. The music was provided by someone named Kevin(?) who John is friends with. It was actually very good. I found myself getting the urge to dance here and there. I found that the crowd was a little rude. Slightly pushy with an "I'm better than you because I am wearing Prada...this season" attitude. But the people John knew were nice. Met a nice guy named Ron that I hope to see again. I have to admit that I think most of the crowd (excluding myself) was mentally altered in some way. Then again, I was drinking like a fish so I could be wrong. I went over to a little after hours men only place after that to find a little nookie. I did. And I bumped into a friend who was also there. I ended up crashing at his place because I was in no state to hail a cab or catch a subway. I felt like I was going to drop of exhaustion, I guess it is my body getting used to working out regularly by telling me to go to sleep.
Monday, June 04, 2001
Okay, based on my blog from Friday, I have started on the "Body for Life" plan today. I spent the weekend reading up on how to follow this health regime. It is a 12-week program "to mental and physical strength". I have my meals planned, my workout sheets all together, let's see what happens. I went to the gym Friday, Saturday and Sunday but doing my own workout, not the Body for Life prescribed method. I am determined to stick to this. I am not seeking perfection or to be Body Beautiful, just to get back into shape. When I was 27, 28, 29 I was in much better shape and I just feel like I am starting to lose the battle. So, wish me luck. Periodic updates will be posted here.
Friday, June 01, 2001
I am such a cow. I can't stop eating. Everytime I turn around I am shoving something into my mouth. Mostly food, sometimes other things if you know what I mean, but mostly food. I just love to eat. I had a huge meal at a German restaurant last night with my friend Nick. Naturally, I had to have two large Weissbiers with my Wienerschnitzel mit Kartoffel und Boehnensalat. Anyway, today, I go to lunch with Joe and Margie (Margie is a coworker who works out of our Alpharetta Training area) and since she is picking up the bill, I order big. Grilled tuna, salad, orzo, bread etc. Yummy but too much for lunch. We did sit outside in the sun so it was nice. In the meantime, I have begun to feel my stomach jiggling when I walk. I am not happy about that. Fat, fat, fat.
Today is my ex boyfriend's 37th birthday. I don't know why I keep thinking about it. Maybe that for so many years it was a really big event in my life. I used to make a big deal out of his birthday and in a way it was the celebratory launch of our summers. I liked being able to make someone's day special. I feel like I should send him a card or an e-mail or something, but I won't. No need to open that can of worms. Maybe I'll send him this card...