Back on track, boys!

Well, what's he look like?


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Click the Weather Boy below to get relatively current NYC weather The WeatherPixie
Goings on:
Summer School Ending
Vacation looming near!

On the Walkman:
Bargrooves - Frosted
Sarah McLachlan...all CDs in High rotation

Today's activities:
Starting back at the gym
Enjoying summer

This weekend's activities:
Seeing my beau
Hanging out then flying to NH for a brief vacation

Favorite English Words:

Favorite German Words:

Check these guys: USA
My Holiday Film Exchange Exchangee
The Film Exchange Project
The Film Exchange
Canada Maurice
Uncle Hedgehog

Great Sites:
The Onion
HX New York
Useful Sites:
1 800 flowers
Crate & Barrel

blogchalk: Michael/Male/36-40. Lives in United States/New York/Hell

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Carpe Mañana
Wednesday, May 30, 2001
I got a my blogger T-shirt in the mail today. Hurrah! It's nicer than I thought it would be.


Tuesday, May 29, 2001
Hopping around from blog to blog I've noticed that people like to list their favorite English words. Sometimes they explain why they are their favorites, sometimes not. My three current favorites are based on the way they sound and the impact they can have in a conversation when used with the correct emphasis. Although the meaning of these words is also important, it really is all about the way they sound. My three?



In light of the fact that truckloads of Americans believe that there are 52 states in the United States and often confuse Austrailia for the United States when presented an unlabeled world globe, it comes as no surprise that they know almost nothing about Canada, our fair neighbor to the north.


Sunday, May 27, 2001
It is Sunday night and I am at my dad's computer. I'm actually having a nice family weekend up here in Southern New Hampshire, about a half an hour's drive directly north of Boston, Massachusetts. The weather was very cooperative on Friday and Saturday but today has been a damp, dreary washout. Tomorrow should be more of the same. It's interesting to me how different my life is from my sister's and my brother's. They own homes, they have kids, they have both been divorced. The think that their streets are getting too busy because new houses have been built "farther down" and now there are 2 cars an hour instead of just the usual one. They live in a tree filled world that is not a park. They have mosquito bites on their legs almost every day and think nothing of it. They have swim class, karate class, little league, story time, gymnastics, soccer etc...for the kids. They do very little for themselves. It's mostly about the children. I love their kids. My sister has a boy and a girl, my brother has a boy. Each is completely different from the other. Each loves me on their own terms. They are little people with strong opinions and personalities. And it is weird to me that they can have quite intelligent conversations with their uncle who they view as somewhat old. It makes me see myself as somewhat self-centered and selfish. I couldn't do all that is required of a parent because I would take that responsibility far too seriously and would have to give up things that I am not willing to give up. I think sometimes that it would have been nice to have had the wife, kids and house in the burbs but it just wasn't my destiny.
So, I live where I live to keep a little distance between my world and theirs. It makes it easier to enjoy mine. It let's me deceive myself into thinking that I am younger than I actually am. That I am hipper than I actually am. That maybe even that I am happier than I actually am. It let's me live in a world where no one calls me Uncle Michael and smiles at me and wants nothing more from me than a hug, or a game of Yahtzee, Jr. because if I allowed myself that too often, I wouldn't be able to function in the cold and lonely city of New York where I'm just another face in the crowd, another person ahead of you in line, another pain in the ass walking too slowly down the street. I wonder if it would make any difference if the 8 million people in New York knew that to a little girl in NH I am Uncle Michael who spent all of a rainy Sunday evening playing all the games that she had for players ages 3 and up because she thinks Uncle Michael is "silly" (her word for me) and would only play those games with him. For her it made a difference and I guess that is all that truly matters.


Thursday, May 24, 2001
Off to Boston for the weekend. Have a great holiday. I am actually meeting a fellow blogger this evening for should be fun.


I walked out of my building this morning expecting the same doom and gloom of mist and drizzle that has been part of my life since Sunday. However, much to my surprise, the sun was shining! I didn't recognize it at first. I thought, why is it so bright out here. Ah, May in New York on a sunny day. The sun is shining, the cabs are blaring their horns, the freaks are begging for a quarter and the birds are coughing in the trees. Everything is right in the world. However, the sun has once again disappeared. Looks like more rain. And like "Cats" I think it might rain "now...and forever" (at least the rest of the weekend). I am flying to Boston tomorrow morning for the long weekend. Maybe the weather will be better up there.

It is perplexing me that I cannot connect to any blog sites except blogger itself. I am jonesing to read my favorite blogs...argh.


Wednesday, May 23, 2001
Another rainy day. Very dreary in NYC. It is kind of depressing. I realized something on my way to work today. The street grid of New York makes the city seem very sterile. It is efficient for traffic and whatnot but it doesn't make for very many unexpected vistas or unique vantage points. The buildings just line up like a huge wall on each side of the street and therefore there are no turns into the distance. The only way to get a good look at a building is to cross the street and stand directly in front of it. There are plenty of buildings that I just don't notice because they are just part of the "wall" and so I just walk on by. Higher up it is a different story. You have the skyline to bombard your visual sense and that is quite breath-taking. But from street level, I find NYC somewhat unremarkable...even dissappointing.


Tuesday, May 22, 2001
It's a rainy day and I feel like sleeping. The weight of the world seems to be on my shoulders. Once again the reoccuring topic is money. Unfortunately, I am very bad with money but I like to think that I'm not. I think if I could just admit this once and for all, I could start doing something to improve my situation. The situation is only worsened because my rent is very high for my income and it leaves me with very little left over to live on. Since my monetary skills are marginal to begin with, I find myself constantly looking for ways to cover what I seemed to be getting better over the last few months. My budget was working, but then I quit Berlitz. Now I am finding myself strapped again. It is hard to believe that the small amount I made at Berlitz was helpful, but it was. I used it as my spending money and my grocery money. It kept me from dipping into my main income for food and fun. But now it is gone and my budget is in a tail spin. To top it off, I have to pay for all my travel myself with a credit card that has a very low credit line. Many times I find myself paying for it with cash and getting reimbursed. Reimbursement takes at least 30 days. Once again the budget is thrown off. I owe a friend money that I haven't even begun to pay off and although he has said it can wait, I am starting to feel bad about not giving him at least a monthly payment. I talk about this in therapy and all of the guys look at me like I have 10 heads because they don't have money problems. They have second homes and cars and go on vacations and most importantly, they have savings and investment accounts. I can't even pay my taxes from 1999 for New York State. It is a nightmare. I feel poor and the rain is making it worse. But otherwise, things are fine.


Monday, May 21, 2001
So much to say, so few brain cells today.

I'll try again later. :)


Thursday, May 17, 2001
I'm off to Washington DC for the weekend. Presentation tomorrow, fun the rest of the time. I have to fly in a prop plane to get there. I have to say I am more than a little nervous.


Wednesday, May 16, 2001
I just missed a departmental meeting with the president of my division. I think I'm in trouble. Why did I miss it? I went to get a slice of pizza because I was hungry. Oops.


Here's some interesting brain fodder. A look of how the human population breaks down in understandable terms...


Tuesday, May 15, 2001
One last thing today...I graduated from college 13 years ago today. Yikes.


I have been enlightened.

"A rawlplug is something that you use when trying to attach something to a wall. Typically the wall will be either concrete or
hollow/plasterboard, and as such you wouldnt be able to simply screw a screw directly into it. So you drill a larger hole, pop in a rawlplug, then screw the screw into that. When you screw the screw in, it makes the rawlplug expand, thereby fixing it solidly into the hole."

Thank you David.


Last evening, I decided that I didn't feel like going straight home (a mere 5 minute walk) so I hopped on the subway for a little adventure in the city. I figured I could go to Bed, Bath and Beyond to look for sheets (which I need desperately). I went to the BDFQ line at 47-50th Street (Rockefeller Center) to take the train down 6th Ave to 23rd Street. I waited on the platform listening to a mixed tape my friend Kenneth made for my birthday. As the train approached, "I Want That Man" by Debbie Harry was winding down. I got myself situated on the train as "Sky High" by Newton started whirling in my headphones. I closed my eyes. Suddenly, a mirrorball dropped from the ceiling of the train. The lights began to flash. The crowd began to clap. I was on! I ran down the center aisle and began my performance. "You, you've blown it all sky high. By telling me a lie. Without a reason why. You've blown it all sky high!!!" Hands up...reach for the sky. Point and turn. A couple of hip gyrations a la Jennifer Beals in Flash Dance...they love me! This continued to much adulation for the entire song. As it ended, I opened my eyes. We had reached 23rd Street. I got off. And no one in that train car was any the wiser that I had just given them the performance of a lifetime.


Monday, May 14, 2001
How different is British English from American English (Amlish)? Apparently very. I have no idea what a mollybolt is other than the fact that it is a rawlplug in British (a translation that sheds absolutely no light on the subject). It is obviously a very important item to have made the list. I'll have to look into it.


I had a great weekend of hanging with my friends.
Friday night began at Bowery Bar and the outside garden for Rachel's birthday. It was very balmy so it was a perfect night to be outside. The Bowery Bar is very trendy, and has been for a while. It used to be a gas station (I believe it was a Gulf) and the area that used to the pumping area is now a walled garden. It is quite large and lush. Because of the wall, you can't hear the street noise. It is really fantastic. I socialized for a while. Got to see some faces I haven't seen for a while, Guy, Mark, Justin, Jen, Glen, and Tom. It was nice. Alan, Nick, Lewis, Billy and myself left there and went to Grill 33 for a late dinner. It was OUTSTANDING. They have amazing cocktails and serve food tapas style. The decor is very clean and modern. It turns out that I know the head chef, Jaques Marra. He is an acquaintence of mine (friend of a friend who I see from time to time). He is very talented and his menu was very interesting. Everything we ordered was perfect. He was nice enough to send out some food on the house so it was really a great meal. I recommend it highly to anyone.


Saturday was haircut, laundry and house chores. I spent time with Alan and Nick in the afternoon but nothing in particular. I stayed in on Saturday night and got a good night's sleep. It was decadant to be in bed at 10:30 on a Saturday!
On Sunday, I called my mom for Mother's Day. I had sent her $100 worth of plants for her yard and she gave me the update about how each plant was fareing in it's new environs. Seems all but her bleeding heart have survived. I was happy. Then I went with Nick to the Met for the Delft school exhibit featuring Vermeer. It was really wonderful except far too crowded. We walked through Central Park from my place to get there (via a brunch cocktail with Alan and Rene at V*nyl) so my allergies were in full swing during the run through the exhibit. It was still enjoyable. After that cheap eats at Republic in Union Square and then off to Barrage for drinks. That lasted a few hours and a few laughs. Somehow we ended up at Chase for more of the same plus the addition of pistachios that they provide for munching. Didn't really talk to anyone except Nick. The music was provided by a live DJ and was a true walk down memory lane for me...Brainbug was played. Earlier at Barrage, Sugar Daddy had graced the speakers.
Then we slid our way to Cleo's...I like the juke box and the popcorn there. The beer is cheap too! I got home at 11 pm, none the worse for wear.


Friday, May 11, 2001

However, danger lurks. He has made it clear that he is bisexual. He enjoys being with women. I find this hard to believe since he is always with gay men but who am I to judge how a bisexual man acts. I am shocked to find, though, that despite being as open-minded as I feel that I am, I cannot reconcile with the fact that he is bisexual. It doesn't make sense to me. It is frustrating me because logically I know that people can be truly bi. It is not an excuse, it is not a game, it is a fact. But I feel like a straight housewife in Montana being told that my next-door neighbor is gay. She would think, "How can he be gay? He fixes his own car. He has women over the house from time to time. Etc." But since she likes him, she wants to make it no big deal. Around him she acts like she is fine with it, but inside her head the wheels keep turning. It is a puzzle with no answer. That is how I am around him when we talk about his attraction to women. I say, "Yeah, I've slept with women. (I have) I've even lived with a woman and talked marriage. (I have)." But under it all, I knew I was gay...there was no future with these women. He feels that he has a future with women and men. Quite honestly, I find that threatening. It is shallow and selfish to feel this way since I hardly know him and have no idea if this will even go anywhere besides where it is now. But under it all, my wheels keep spinning. It is a puzzle that I can't figure out. I always have accepted bisexuality as real. But I never thought of what the implications might be if I found myself highly attracted to someone who is bisexual. I jump to the conclusion that this is not right for me. It couldn't possibly be right for me. But if I back up a minute I might just find that it really doesn't matter at all.


Part TWO.

During the movie, he would ask me in a whisper what certain phrases meant..."Closet Case" was one example. Feeling his breath on the side of my face, holding his hand and listening to his accent made me feel very attracted to this guy. He had grown a little goatee since last week (One has to wonder how much of that I can interpret to mean that he likes my appearance enough to mimic it???) and I can't wait to feel it on my body. (I'm being honest here.) He is just absolutely adorable and he is my type. Shorter than me, dark hair, dark eyes, hairy body, masculine and intelligent. You can see the intelligence in his eyes. I enjoy being around him and I feel that he feels the same way. Despite being stood up on Sunday, an event that he has apologized for twice, I think I would like to continue spending time with him. The conversation is stimulating, the sex is good, and I find him easy on the eyes!


Part ONE.

Have you ever realized that you were beginning to really like someone in a romantic way and then in the next thought you realize that it will never work out and is completely wrong for you? The joy of that new feeling of closeness is just completely shattered by logic.

I went to the movies with my French guy on Wednesday night. I sent him an e-mail Wednesday morning that I had had translated from English into French asking him if he would like to go see "Boys to Men" with me at the Quad. He called me later in the day to say that he would love to but that he couldn't go until late. So we met at 10:15 for the last showing. We talked beforehand; we laughed about the American tradition of eating popcorn in the theater (which he endearingly calls "popcorns". It is now becoming more common in France apparently, something he finds very vexing. All that noise of crunching and the smell), and we held hands. All very date-like. All very nice, warm, caring and almost innocent. Something that all of my straight friends have taken for granted since high school but I still find new and exciting. Going to a movie on a date and holding someone's hand is much higher on the turn-on list than having someone I find attractive getting naked in front of me, and even higher on the list than kissing! It just seems so novel to be able to do something that I desperately to do during high school. It makes me hotter than the asphalt on a highway in Death Valley at high noon in July!


Oops, guess I was wrong.


I can't post.


Wednesday, May 09, 2001
I quit working at Berlitz on Monday after a few weeks of frustration with them. I had been traveling a lot for work and it was causing me to have to take time off from teaching, something the director of the program did not like.

I had been scheduled to work on the Monday evening following Easter. Since I had wanted to go home for the holiday, I asked for the night off...but it was too late I was told. I should have asked at least a week prior. So, I stayed in New York for the holiday and actually had a lovely time but I was a little upset that I didn't get to spend the Easter Bunny holiday with my nephews and niece (it's fun to watch them hunt for eggs, then give them scads of candy and watch them bounce off the walls for a few hours due to the sugar rush) while they are still young enough to believe that a giant bunny brings treats in the night and doesn't leave bunny droppings all over the house. (Major run on sentence) Anyway, when I showed up for work at Berlitz on that Monday evening, they had taken me off the schedule. BASTARDS! I was told they were afraid that I would just not show up. I always show up when I am scheduled. I was slightly bent out of shape. So then, for reasons unknown, they didn't schedule me for two weeks. Finally they scheduled me on Thursday of last week. I worked. Then I was scheduled for Monday evening. I got there and they had taken me off the schedule. I was told that they weren't sure what was happening with me, whatever that means. SO, I told them that I no longer worked there and not to schedule me anymore. I then walked out.

The problem is that I really enjoyed teaching. I didn't like the little game they were beginning to play though. I will miss my students and teaching but I think it may have been time to move on. I lasted over a year, actually longer than I thought I would. There goes my extra income. I guess I'll get by. I might have to actually give up therapy though. But I'm not sure that that is actually a bad thing.

I'm going to use the time to go to the gym more often.


I think "Unfinished Sympathy" by Massive Attack is one of my top 5 favorite songs of all time. I can't believe that it is almost 10 years old!!!


Watch this. It's fun.


Tuesday, May 08, 2001
Standing in line at H&M to buy a pair of linen shorts for 9 bucks, I was accosted by the sights and sounds of Eiffel 65, Move Your Body, on the video screens behind the cashwrap. "How Europop!" I say to myself. Ironically, I didn't know how right I was.


- The best thing about khaki trousers is that if they are the right shade (like mine) they don't show the coffee stains from the coffee you spill all over your legs while trying to talk and drink at the same time. It's actually really strange how the stain is completely invisible now that it has dried.

- I am so happy that the cold grey winter is finally over. The way my apartment is situated, facing North-northeast, I don't get any direct sunlight in the winter. But this time of year, I awake to full sunshine coming through my windows. It makes it so much easier to wake up. Well, that and the street cleaners, and the fact that they are resurfacing 9th Avenue so the jackhammering begins at roughly 6:30 am, oh and the pigeons who seem to have taken up residence on my fire escape. It's more of a pigeon sex club actually because they are all mating and making that wierd pigeon noise every morning just as it gets light. Maybe the sunlight doesn't actually have much to do with my waking up early. Hmmm.


Monday, May 07, 2001
Got stood up yesterday!!

Not at all pleased.





Friday, May 04, 2001
Eating salad again today, same as yesterday but with the addition of kidney beans, red cabbage and broccoli and the deletion of tomatoes. They were squishy yesterday.

It is much more humid today than it has been so although the temperature is a few degrees cooler (86) it feels much hotter.
Of course they are saying it will be chilly this weekend with rain tonight. It figures.


Thursday, May 03, 2001
Working away on a powerpoint presentation regarding, I am sitting at my desk and listening to Ms. Ciccone. My mind wanders, I think...why can't I get tickets to her upcoming concert like Rob did? So, in honor of at least someone I know (kind of - in a cyberspace sort of way) getting tickets, here is something I find insightful from Madonna's latest release...

"Girls can wear jeans,
Cut their hair short,
Wear shirts and boots (?)
'coz it's okay to be a boy

But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
because you think that being a girl is degrading
but secretly...
you'd love to know what it's like
wouldn't you?
What it feels like for a girl."


I am happy to announce that even though I walked right by a Wendy's Hamburgers at lunch, I resisted the temptation to go in for the Cheddar Lovers Bacon Cheeseburger with fries and a coke and instead went to the Conova Deli for their very tasty, very healthy tossed romaine salad to which I am allowed to add a cornicopia of ingredients. Today's choices for me were, shrimp, black olives, shredded carrots, asparagus, sunflower seeds, raisins, and tomatoes with raspberry vinegarette for dressing. Very low fat, very filling. I am proud of myself for resisting the grease and fat of the Wendy's food. Although, I have a hankering for some fries.


Thank Christ, I fixed my air-conditioner. The fan just needed a little WD-40 and it started spinning again when I turned on the power. Much cooler, my allergies are much better. I can deal with the heat again.

When I left work last night, I had such horrific body aches that I couldn't even stop at the store to buy dinner. I just went home and laid myself down in my bed. I did not get up once until this morning. I feel fine today. I'm thinking that I may have taken two doses of Claritin yesterday morning and that is why I felt so shitty. I waited until 10 am to take my medicine today and so far so good. I'm avoiding caffeine thinking that maybe, added to the crack-like qualities of Claritin, it was giving me the shakes. I am very sensitive to those things. You might say I'm a cheap date.

How many crunches does it take to make your stomach fatter than it was before you started doing them? Apparently as many as I have been doing. I don't understand it. I am putting on weight in the form of flab all around my midsection but I am doing crunches and stuff like that. I plan on doing more aerobic activities this weekend but I must say that I am getting a little discouraged. YES, I have cut back on sugar, fats, carbohydrates, the volume of food I eat and am eating my fruits and veggies. All for naught it would seem. HHrrrmmpppfff.


Wednesday, May 02, 2001
I'm having a really hellish week. My allergies are kicking my ass. I am taking Claritin but it is giving me really strange side effects that I thought were the flu. My doctor says otherwise. I have body aches, a headache and I am so jittery that I feel like I'm withdrawing from crack or something. It sucks royally. To add to all of this, it is about 90 de-freakin-grees in New York today after a high of 87 yesterday, and my air-conditioner decided to stop working. My apartment is a very toasty place these days. Since I am on the top floor and heat rises and the roof is warmed by the sun all day, it's like living in a closed attic in Calcutta in July. Sleeping is more like running a marathon...that is how much I sweat. Pretty!

I did have a nice weekend though. The weather was cooperative and much cooler than today and yesterday. I even got a little sun so I can officially say that summer has begun. It used to be that we had a spring. Now we just jump from winter to summer. Very odd.

What is up with George W? He is talking all the Star Wars Defense bullshit. He sounds like Ronald Regan. I absolutely detest Republicans and their distorted view of the world. THE COLD WAR IS OVER!!! HELLO!!! What he is going to do is start it up all over again. What a freak. Maybe I'm wrong, but wasn't that whole Star Wars thing just a big hoax to get the Soviet Union to start negotiating with us back in the late 80's about taking down the Berlin Wall? I recall how bad the economy was here after Reganomics took full effect (tax cuts and increased defense spending) I can't believe that this is what Dubya wants! The Clinton years were so fantastic...I miss them already.


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