Sitting here in a semi haze/fog thinking about last night. I am absolutely sure that I now understand the meaning of minkered! Ow.
I went out last night. I did all the things a man my age should not be doing. I lost my brand new pair of sunglasses that I absolutely adored. Of course I spent money for them, the $5 pair I bought 7 years ago are still with me...I couldn't lose those if I tried. I feel like I'm 85. The light from the computer is hurting my eyes. I feel like wretching! I had so much fun! Oh, I met a guy named "Jimmy Mack". I'm not kidding. "Jimmy Mack, Jimmy, Ooooh Jimmy Mack when are you comin' back." My head, my nose, my liver and my kidneys all hate me. And I don't blame them one bit.
Wednesday, April 25, 2001
My internal clock is still on California time. I had a muffin for lunch because a sandwich seemed too heavy. Now it's 3:40ish and I'm starting to feel like a real meal. I guess I'll just wait until dinner time and eat properly. Since my plane didn't land until 2 am and I didn't get to bed until 3 am, I haven't had much time to adjust. It is such a mind fuck. I was so out of it this morning leaving for work that I locked myself out of my apartment. My superintendent will have to let me in when I get home around 7:30. It's really nice to be back in New York though. I like the pace here much better. I always feel like people are lazy when I go to a place that has a slower pace of life. I know that it's simply that they are just more relaxed and take things easier, but it's just so irritating to have to sit and wait for a half an hour for someone to take your drink order. I can't explain it really. Well, it's sort of like living your life as a 45 rpm record in a world of 33 1/3 LPs. There are still understandable and interesting things happening, just at a slower speed that doesn't work for me. Actually, I'm probably more of a 78!
Tuesday, April 24, 2001
Going to sit by the pool for a couple of hours. Sunny sunny sunny.
Monday, April 23, 2001
I've had to communicate with my ex (we will have been broken up for a year on Thursday) about the suicide because we were both friends with Rick (the friend who killed himself). It has been hard to have to deal with him. I remember why we broke up. He told me the details of Rick's death and it is too horrible to even think about. I've cried a lot and I've realized that I will really miss him. But I'm in San Diego looking out over the harbor at the lights of Coronado Island. It is warm today and there isn't a cloud in the sky. I'm focusing on enjoying my life and it is making me feel better. When I get home though, I'll have to deal with the funeral (unless of course they've had it already...I haven't gotten a clear answer about whether it has happened or not. I leave here at 4:30 tomorrow, Pacific Time.
Sunday, April 22, 2001
I just got news last night that a friend of mine committed suicide. I don't know how to deal with this one. It's going to be a rough day.
Friday, April 20, 2001
I am in lovely San Diego California. Very nice place to visit. It is cold though. That disappoints me. I am feeling slightly out of sorts time-wise. Not really jet lagged, I just keep asking myself, "What time is it?"
I'm sitting here waiting to get a call from my uncle. His friends are going to pick me up to bring me to his house for dinner. I really like my uncle. He is my mother's only brother and he has a very interesting past of the "Make Love not War" variety. He "split" when he was 18 and moved across the country from Massachusetts to California. He has lived here ever since.
Speaking of traveling across the United States, I did it today and didn't have a window to look out of so it is very bizarre. You feel like it was a big tunnel you drove through to get here. It took about 6 hours. To think that when I drove cross country, it took me 5 days. Gawd.
My friend Ameet just called. He is going back to India for a month and I think he is have mixed feelings about it. I would love to go to India for a month but it is such a long flight.
Thursday, April 19, 2001
Leaving early today to prep for trip. I need a haircut, I have to do laundry, need to buy toiletries and I still haven't found a tie to match my shirt. We have to dress in biz clothes for the conference. I have been business casual for so long that I'm not even sure if my suits fit. Oh well. Will try to blog from the road, but if not...until we meet again!
I bought new earplugs a couple of days ago and for the past two nights, I have been sleeping like a baby. The added benefit is that I think I am sleeping much more deeply and therefore am actually well rested in the morning. For example, this morning I woke up at 7:00...that's a full half an hour before my alarm was set to go off. My street is very noisy as I have a fire department at the end and they come with sirens blaring down the street at all hours. So, the new earplugs must be of superior quality because I haven't heard anything for the past two nights.
Overheard yesterday, woman to man (apparently her boyfriend or soon to be ex...) "How many times do I have to flush before you'll finally go away?!?!" Ahhh, springtime in New York...Love is in the air!
Wednesday, April 18, 2001
I seem to have lost my archives.
I realized two things just now. 1.) I never posted how my date with the French man went. and 2.) How therapy worked out last night.
1.) Really well. We will be seeing each other again. :o) but because of the traveling we both have to do, not until April 28th. :o( We spent that Sunday evening talking and drinking wine and basically just getting to know each other. I think he is a little embarrassed by his English but he really shouldn't be. I can't speak a word of French.
2.) Fine. I'll continue going. It turns out that some of the group felt that I was justified in leaving and that it made them think about why I got so fucking pissed off. I'm seen as a bit of a strong person for being able to come back after making a scene and being able to pay the piper as it were.
Off to the gym. I hope. I brought my workout clothes with me but I might end up going home because I'm starving!
I was sitting here thinking about past trips to warm climes...possibly because I am trying to pack for sunny San Diego and realized that my New York wardrobe consists of mostly black, grey and navy blue clothing in various weights of wool. My clothes may be a little too warm for Southern California. Shopping trip tonight? ANYWAY, a few years ago I was in Miami Beach and was asked this question by the manager of the guesthouse I was staying in. He was a really amazing Austrailian guy who I believe has unfortunately passed away. His question to me..."What does one wear to an erotic banana party?" I still haven't figured out what would be appropriate for such an occasion.
Tuesday, April 17, 2001
I'm not looking forward to going to therapy tonight since the last time I was there (2 weeks ago) I stormed out in a huff. I'm sure that it will be a rough session tonight and I'm not sure that I have it in me. On a lighter note, I haven't been in the office since Friday April 6th and so today is pretty much all about catching up. I have lists of things to do. Seemingly thousands of e-mails to respond to and several meetings to attend. But yet I am blogging...hmmmm. I guess it clears the head. I have been working non-stop since I arrived this morning so I deserve a break for a few minutes.
I have been having a terrible time falling to sleep at night. Last night I was awake until well after 3 am. I just stared at the ceiling for hours. I drank milk, I put on soft music, I put in my earplugs but all to no avail until I finally got up and took some sleeping pills. Naturally they worked but of course it was nearly impossible to get out of bed this morning since the effects of the pills hadn't worn off by the time I needed to get up. So, groggily I got myself ready and stumbled to the office only to find that most of my department is away on business and no one would have noticed if I were an hour late or so. Oh well, I'll leave early and head to the gym. But I'm wondering what's on my mind that's making it so hard to sleep at night. It's just a general sense of uneasiness but nothing specific. Maybe it's the dread I have of going to group tonight. When I think about group therapy, I often wonder what benefit I get out of it. WIIFM (pronounced "wiffum") "What's in it for me"? I think that the purpose of group is to test your own beliefs and to challange the assumptions that others have about reality so that they can see beyond their blinders and get past insecurities and possible self-hatred. But it seems like the group just wants me to conform. To simply sit and nod when people talk and to just "support" the decisions they make in their lives. But I don't like to conform at all. It pisses me off. So instead of just challanging what people are saying, I blow up and threaten the group by storming out. By threatening the group I mean dissolving the cohesion that we have been trying to form by up and leaving in the middle of a session. I think that I needed to get mad and leave because that is how I was feeling but I think I could have maybe reigned in the emotions a tad and discussed how I was feeling. Blah blah blah. End result: I don't want to go back.
Monday, April 16, 2001
Okay, taxes are done. You need to have an advanced degree in neurosurgery to complete these things. Can't they just say, "What was your gross income?" "Multiply by 15%." "You owe X amount." Noooo...
Yesterday, Easter, was really fun. I was planning on going home for the holiday to visit the family but the logistics, cost and time just got to be a bit much for me, so I decided to stay in New York and make my own holiday. It turns out that my friend Rachel (a lovely girl from Yorkshire) and my friend Nick (a strappingly handsome man from New Jersey) had nowhere to go for the holiday themselves so I invited them over for Easter dinner. I cooked a slew of food and we ate like pigs. It was the first time I cooked for guests since I've lived in this apartment (over three years) and it went very well. After we ate, we went to see "Bridget Jones's Diary". It was really enjoyable. I laughed through most of the film. Very witty. After the movie, we ended up back at mine just to unwind. Then, I did what I do when I want to be the center of attention (a very dangerous situation) I dragged out the old video of me on a game show from 1992! It was lean times when I lived in LA and I thought it would be fun to get on tv. My friend Trish and I went on together and we won when all was said and done but looking at it now, I realize how much time has really passed since 1992. I look so young and innocent! Not to mention goofy. The name of the gameshow? "Shop 'til You Drop" shown regularly on Lifetime - Television for Women!
I'm leaving for San Diego on Thursday. I have to work all weekend but it will be nice to visit California again.
I have been sooo remiss in my blogging. Sorry. Anyway, today is tax day and I am still working on my taxes! I actually didn't procrastinate. I just waited too long to start.
Wednesday, April 11, 2001
I can't believe that it is Wednesday! On Saturday I drove with Joe (co-worker/friend) and Nick (friend) up to Boston for the weekend to attend Foti and Kenneth's first anniversary party, which was a surprise for Kenneth. We got there about 5:00 and got settled. Joe and Nick stayed at a hotel, I stayed at Foti's house. I sat and chatted with Foti for a while and then met back up with Joe and Nick at Fritz. Fritz is like a Cleo's Ninth Avenue Saloon but with more windows and in Boston instead of New York. Smoky with cheap drinks and lots of "regulars". We had a drink and continued on to dinner. Martini's at dinner started us on our way. After we ate and I did several split leaps in front of several restaurant windows (it seemed like a good idea at the time.) We returned to where we were staying and started to get ready. More later...
Thanks to David Boyes, I think I get how to work this blog thing!!
Testing out some changes on this thing...stay tuned.
Saturday, April 07, 2001
I realize I've been living in New York too long because...
Last night I walked by a grown woman, who was dressed well and all alone, puking her guts out in the street and I thought, "I hope I can get around her without stepping in her vomit" instead of going over to see if she was okay.
Friday, April 06, 2001
I've been reading some of the UK blogs that I don't know how to display on my side bar...help anyone? Anyway, one of the interesting topics is "the first music single that you ever purchased was...". Well, I must admit it was "Sam" by Olivia Newton John. My mother bought it for me after I begged for weeks. I wasn't that old when that song was new. My first album? "Totally Hot" by, yup, Olivia Newton John. However, the first album I ever purchased with my own earnings was "Beauty and the Beat" by the Go-gos. I am such a woman.
Friday, finishing up for the week. Drinking a cup of delicious coffee. Thinking about the upcoming weekend. Days are longer, weather is warmer. I have a dinner date on Sunday night with a fetching French man named Henri. Going to Boston tomorrow morning for a surprise party with my friends Nick and Joe. Life is pretty good. I think I need a maid. I have been traveling so much lately that I can't keep up with the day to day cleaning and straightening that is required when one lives in a small space. Maybe once every two weeks just to dust, vacuum and clean the bathroom. That would be lovely but probably not going to happen. A guy can dream. What I need is a really fastidiousboyfriend who will clean when he comes over. That would be even better!
Thursday, April 05, 2001
Perfectly gorgeous spring day! Leaving work now to become part of the city for the evening.
Just got a correspondence from an old friend whom I haven't seen or heard from since 1992. Very pleasant surprise!
I haven't blogged in a while. Atlanta was fine, except flying out during a period of severe thunderstorms. The turbulence was tremendous. I can handle turbulence okay but it got tiring listening to people gasping every time the plan would plummet a bit. That was the first hour of the flight back. When we got about 150 miles south of Newark, we had to circle in holding pattern. That I don't handle very well. I started to get nauseated and felt the pressure building quickly. I reached for my "sick sack" and clutched it in my sweaty palms. Fortunately, the plane left the holding pattern and started to fly straight again. I quickly regained my composure. It's strange that the circling makes me so ill. I'm in a really funky mood these past two days because I got really enraged at a guy in my therapy group and actually ended up storming out of the session. Fight or flight I guess. It has really shaken me though because I'm not sure why I was so mad. I think it may have been due to sheer exhaustion but it was inappropriate. My gut reaction is to never go back but I think that I have to in order to try to set things right. I did tell the guy that I got mad at, "I don't know why I have to sit here and listen to someone I don't particularly like. I'm leaving." It was wierd. I feel very out of control and freakish now. I'm sure they are all wondering when exactly it was that I lost my mind because storming out of a room like that does have the effect of making one seem unstable. I'm just tired of having my peers tell me what is wrong with me. I'm traveling next week so I won't be there, that won't be a good thing. Oh well. I'm going to Boston this weekend. Maybe I'll just stay up there.