Back on track, boys!

Well, what's he look like?


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Goings on:
Summer School Ending
Vacation looming near!

On the Walkman:
Bargrooves - Frosted
Sarah McLachlan...all CDs in High rotation

Today's activities:
Starting back at the gym
Enjoying summer

This weekend's activities:
Seeing my beau
Hanging out then flying to NH for a brief vacation

Favorite English Words:

Favorite German Words:

Check these guys: USA
My Holiday Film Exchange Exchangee
The Film Exchange Project
The Film Exchange
Canada Maurice
Uncle Hedgehog

Great Sites:
The Onion
HX New York
Useful Sites:
1 800 flowers
Crate & Barrel

blogchalk: Michael/Male/36-40. Lives in United States/New York/Hell

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Carpe Mañana
Friday, March 30, 2001
I was having some really bizarre problems with my blog but it seems okay now... I bet you are all soooo happy that my world is in order, ain't cha? Going to Alpharetta (or as the locals say, "AL-fer-rettuh") on Sunday and will be there for 3 glorious days! Alpharetta is in Georgia...not far from Atlanta. I kinda like Atlanta. But only kinda. They call it the War of Northern Aggression there too. When they do, I kindly remind them that the last time they pissed off Northerners, we burnt their city down - so, they should mind their manners and watch what they say.


I was having some really bizarre problems with my blog but it seems okay now... I bet you are all soooo happy that my world is in order, ain't cha? Going to Alpharetta (or as the locals say, "AL-fer-rettuh") on Sunday and will be there for 3 glorious days! Alpharetta is in Georgia...not far from Atlanta. I kinda like Atlanta. But only kinda. They call it the War of Northern Aggression there too. When they do, I kindly remind them that the last time they pissed off Northerners, we burnt their city down - so, they should mind their manners and watch what they say.


I was sitting here thinking of ways to keep people from coming by my cubicle and pestering me at inopportune moments. I know that I've been watching way too much Star Trek Voyager when one of my ideas was to call down to Astrometrics and ask Seven of Nine to install Multi-phasic Sheilding around my work space. I'm not kidding.


Wednesday, March 28, 2001
I haven't had a chance to blog today. I have to run to teach Engrish now at Berlitz. I feel that I got a lot of work done today but at the same time, I have begun to view my job as a giant game of e-mail tennis. Someone sends me an e-mail, I read it, respond to it and slam it back to them. They either are satisfied and that is it or the slam it back to me for "further explanation". In this game, you score points by being able to remember the contents of each e-mail 6 weeks later when you finally meet that person face to face. If you remember receiving an e-mail from that person, you score a point. If you remember vaguely what the e-mail was about, you score 2 points. If you remember the contents of the e-mail, let's make that 5 points. If you remember the annoying details of the e-mail, let's say 10 points. If you use those details in a conversation with the writer but they get confused because they don't remember writing it, and you can back it up with a hardcopy printout of the actual e-mail message, you score 100 points and win the game.


Tuesday, March 27, 2001
After reading Dave's review of the new Daft Punk CD, I thought I should check it out. I went to the Virgin Mega Store in Times Square to see if they had it. Well they did. It was featured right in the front on one of their listening stations. I slapped on the grimey headphones to have a listen. Well, I spent the better part of a half an hour listening. I scanned the tracks, let them play, listened and re-listened to several. However, despite the fact that I think the disc is flawlessly produced, I don't connect to the music. It left me rather cold. Now maybe it is just that I am out of the loop and no longer have my finger on the pulse of "club" music. This is most likely the case since I hardly ever go night clubbing anymore. But, more than that, the tracks seemed to be missing a soul. There was nothing to grab onto. Nothing to move me. It was very "retro techno". I didn't like it. I didn't buy it. I feel that maybe I am missing something here? Anyone?


Monday, March 26, 2001
I love Bjork. I adore her music. I love her quirkiness. But the dress at the Oscars...what is up with that?


Had a good weekend. No real details. Maybe later.
My sincere apologies to Dave Boyes for poking fun at his subway journeys and borrowing his writing style. Although they say something about imitation being the highest form of flattery. d:P

It is snowing like mid winter in NYC today. Yuck. However, Sunday, April 1 at 2:00 am we officially turn our clocks forward and Daylight Savings Time begins. I await it with bated breath.


Friday, March 23, 2001
It is a beautiful day here in Virginia. Sunny and springlike. The daffodils are a-bloomin'! I'd say it is in the low 60's. I am hung over from my foray into alcohol testing last night. I had to make sure that all the wine, beer and spirits we were serving last night were fit for human consumption. I did this by personally trying each and every alcoholic beverage there was to have. Didn't fall asleep until 2 am. Drinking lots of water today. I won't be drinking for a couple of weeks after today. I swear. Really. I mean it. really...
David Boyes completely compelling descriptions of his morning commutes have helped me on my journey of personal and spiritual growth. It reminds me of all the barricades we encounter in our daily lives, not just physical (like the inconveniences encountered while commuting) but also emotional...things that may be self imposed but keep us from finding our own true happiness. It is a true insight into the psyche of one man trying to make a place for himself in this world.
or not. It could just be "diarrhea of the keyboard".


Thursday, March 22, 2001
Okay, new post theme: Things that have happened to me that you wouldn't believe!

1. When I left my job at MFS in Boston before moving to New York, I had a co-worker throw a phone at my head (the WHOLE phone, not just the handset) on my last day of work while I was standing there with my box full of stuff - ready to go. She just missed hitting me and left a dent in the wall behind me, because she was pissed that she would have so much work to do when I left. Her name was Kathleen and she was a fucking bitch on wheels. June 1996


Innocently leaving the office yesterday afternoon at 3:45 with my co-worker Mary Ellen to catch a 5:25 flight from Newark, little did I know that it would become a 6 hour ordeal. With the rain coming down and the wind picking up, our hopes of leaving Newark on time for our 65 minute flight to Raleigh/Durham airport were dashed upon arrival at the airport. A half an hour delay was posted. Inconvenient but not bad. But then we got on the plane.
There is a little known but apparently very important book that is required by the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) to be on all aircraft before they take off. It is called the log. Much like the "Captain's Log" featured on the Star Trek series of shows. Well, this is aparently something that can be misplaced by the maintenance crew because that is exactly what happened to our plane's log book, it was "misplaced". It took 2 hours for them to find it with an announcement every 10 minutes kindly reminding each and every passenger that it had been lost. Finally, it was found. Did I mention that a huge storm had descended upon my fair city whilst we were waiting. The rain was coming down in sheets, the wind was whipping across the was not perfect weather for a takeoff. But take off we did. Very bumpy...very nerve wracking. Finally we landed at beautiful RDU (Raleigh/Durham Airport). As I got off the plane, I confronted the pilot and co-pilot and said (jokingly), "I want to see this log book thing. I don't believe it exists." The co-pilot started stammering and turning red. He said that it was in the cockpit. I said, "Let me see it." Next thing I knew I was naked in the navigators seat with my ankles around my ears...(oh that was a dream I had later that night) What really happened is that he ran into the cockpit and grabbed the log to show to me. It was real, but Continental will be getting a letter from me.
We got our luggage and met the car driver. We had at least an hour and a half drive ahead of us. Fortunately, we got pulled over after going through a red light which delayed us a half an hour further. By the time we got to my beloved Berry Hill, it was just after midnight. There was no food to eat, no beer to imbibe, so I went to bed. It was then that I had the dream about the pilot and the computer guy that I have a crush on. On a beach.


Wednesday, March 21, 2001
After therapy last night, I went out for a beer with my friend John. We haven't had time to just hang out lately so it was nice to sit around and catch up. The place we went to is in the West Village, it's called the Garage and they had live jazz last night. It is "straight" but I like it there. Our one beer turned into three before we left. It was really good to be able to laugh with someone (and John's laugh is very contagious!) since I had been feeling a little lonely the past few days. It is amazing to me how much human interaction I need on a daily basis. quote of the night was, "I'm not as absolutist as I used to be, am I? YES?!?!NO?!?!?
Ahhh, the stark black and white world I live in. No room for grey areas here. It either is or isn't. You like me or you hate me. I do it all the time or I would NEVER. I find it easier that way.
Let me start this paragraph by stating that the dive bar I love so much "Cleo's Ninth Avenue Saloon" did not close after all. It just did a little remodel. Well actually they took down the musical posters and added halogen lighting over the rows of alcohol behind the bar. It has the effect of making the rest of the bar look even dingier and propels the bottles of alcohol to diety status - all bright and shiny. Anyway, after I left John, I went to Cleo's Ninth Avenue Saloon because, well, I wanted to feel pretty. The usual crowd has a certain way of doing that for me. I did meet this guy named David who was very nice, very handsome (unusual for C9AS) but somewhat older. He lives in LA I live in NY...two worlds collide. However, he was really nice and we kissed ("snogged" for my British readers) for quite some time. I would have been interested in getting naked but it was getting late and he had a very early flight back to the left coast. So we just walked around a little while and then he walked me to my front door. We kissed a little more and went our separate ways. Sad really... but he did give me his number and e-mail address... "Ramming8@blahblahblah.blah"! I think I should have invited him up.


Tuesday, March 20, 2001
One last thing...I have had a recurrent bloody nose all day. Having never had a bloody nose before, I feel slightly concerned that it has been a day long event. My coworkers have belayed my fears somewhat but I feel like I should be more concerned. I mean you know what almost happened to Stevie Nicks...


Gotta go home...Therapy tonight and, actually, despite the fact that there are things about therapy that I despise, it does do me some good. It really is the only place that I can vent without getting people pissed off at me. I find that I am much calmer that I used to be when dealing with stressful situations. One exception might be the night that I lost our friend Davey B. in London. One minute he was there, the next he was gone. I function under the assumption that it was an unintentional desertion. However, I ended up spending several hours standing in front of his apartment building waiting for him to turn up again. I got a little testy trying to reach him on his mobile phone. These things happen and he did apologize profusely (and certainly made up for it a couple of nights later by taking me to Love Muscle and introducing me to a bunch of his friends. I had a great time.) but the point is, I used to get that bent out of shape over the littlest of circumstances. I was like a cornered animal. I would just lash out whenever I felt like it. Now, I really feel more in control. I find that I don't offend people as much as I used to either. So there are positive aspects to chatting for two hours every week with a bunch of faggots in a room with a dog for $45 an hour. Now if I can just find my prozac...


Today is the first day of Spring. Daylight Savings Time (DST) begins on April 1st. So we go from EST to EDT, always an exciting event on my calendar! Winter is finally over and the weather is just beginning to cooperate. Now all I need to do is fall in love...well, that isn't very least it's sunny today.


In the immortal (or infamous) words of Sally Field... "You like me! You really like me!" (See Monday, March 19, 2001)


Monday, March 19, 2001
Going back to Berry Hill on Wednesday...just got my marching orders. My Continental miles are racking up.


I'm back in New York for the time being. It feels good. I had a really mellow weekend of sleeping, laundry and housekeeping. But on Saturday night I did go out to a party that Alan had for several of our friends whose birthdays are in March; Ameet, Nick and his roommate David. It was a lot of fun. I like house parties. Especially when you know most of the people who are there. I ended up getting home at 4:30 am. A little late but none the worse for wear. I just needed to see my friends after days and days of being in the woods. Last night, I went for a really long walk up 8th Avenue to Central Park, continued up Central Park West to 70th Street, crossed over to Broadway, headed back downtown into Times Square until 47th Street and then crossed back over to 9th Avenue down to 42nd Street and then back up to my street (47th). I window shopped all the way. I looked at shoes and rollerblades and shelving and clothing and music etc etc. It felt good to be surrounded by bright lights and crowds of people. It was one of those March nights that is exceedingly windy but not freezing cold. The entire stroll took about 2 hours. Ahhh...civilization.

I just read Rob's blog. I'm very sorry to hear that his mom died. My thoughts go out to him. I don't know how I will handle it when my mom goes. Hopefully, that is years away.


Thursday, March 15, 2001
I don't know if you have read my previous blogs but I want to take it all back...God I miss New York! I just want to see scads of people I don't know and to hear someone who doesn't use "y'all" for "you plural" and "all y'all" for "all of you". Also, I had this Georgian tell me tonight that if it weren't for the "War of Northern Aggression" the United States would be a much better place. He used the term "War of Northern Aggression". I was also scoffed at by this woman who listens to the Conservative News Network because I admitted that, yes indeed I was very liberal. She had the gall to say, "When you get older and come to your senses, you'll realize that conservativism is much more beneficial to society. It will keep the perverts, freaks and criminals away from decent Americans." I asked her if she thought I was a decent American...she said from what she could tell, I was. I preceded to tell her that in most circles I would certainly be considered a pervert and that I was proud to call myself a freak...however, I couldn't recall ever committing a crime. Well, I stole a very expensive wallet once...I still use it. She doesn't need to know that. Is that a crime?
It rained here all day...actually it was depressing. I hate the rain. Sunshine is my bag.
I fly to New York tomorrow. Can't wait.


Wednesday, March 14, 2001
I, New York and 5. Construction without the elevator of the ground. Is how my title mistranslates. Thanks to David at Swish Cottage for this.


Okay, the true reason I didn't go say hi to David at the Gap on Sunday? I had a honkin' zit on the tip of my nose and I was too embarrassed to let him see me. I am a my sister would say, "Wicked Loser!"


Can you believe that I am still at Berry Hill?!?!? Feels like a lifetime. Sheesh!

I dragged a bunch of people I work with on THE bike-ride this afternoon. I liked it even better this time! It was Joe, Amanda, Marion, Mark (my boss's boss), Maggie and me. I showed them all the sites I had seen the day before. This time I numbered them as "Scenic Vista One" "Scenic Vista Two" etc, etc. Turns out there were seven. I packaged it as the Berry Hill "Sehenswuerdigkeiten" Ride. I got a few chuckles...from myself. THE ride included a slave graveyard of unmarked graves. It was sad to think these people lived and died and didn't even get gravestones with their names on them. Just field stones marking their heads and feet. I was moved (emotionally) but then I looked around and realized how very "Blair Witch Project" the surroundings were. We skeedaddled pretty quickly. At my urging...

I saw a groundhog this time.

I petted a grey squirrel today.

I watched the sun set.

Why do I live in the city?

Dinner was delicious. Salmon. I have gained 10 pounds since December and have started dating my fat stomach. I figured since it goes everywhere I do, we should move it to the next level and legitimize the whole relationship. I mean I take it to dinner every night. It's like a complete little person, with dimples and all. Eeeeewww! TMI.

I can't believe that I am 35. My boss's boss, Mark, is 38 and I don't look any less than two decades younger than him. He is a nice guy but I did spit a mouthful of water across the room when I was told how old he is. I thought at least 55. No...38. He even acts old. Is it because I am gay? Or is it simply good genes? I look in the mirror and see an older version of me, but if my reflection looked like Mark, I would kill myself. Is that cold? Shallow? Both?

I am too tired to add links tonight. Sorry.

P.S. I love my mom.


Tuesday, March 13, 2001
I'm listening to Olive and wondering if maybe I haven't done all the wrong things with my life. I might sound crazy in the next few lines but here goes...Josie is out of her mind if she thinks that I am just going to step aside and jeopardize my career just so she can renew her contract. I am competent and professional. I am not her peon. Also, Marion (who I hardly know) needs to learn to shut up when someone is trying to concentrate. She had a comment for everything while I was trying to navigate the online demonstration today. Don't the words, "I'd appreciate your being quiet while I'm navigating." mean anything to anyone anymore? "Trickle down my fucking sadness" okay?!?! I'm tired of putting up with the insane. AND the stupid. Why is everyone so afraid to say the "S" word anymore. People can be excrutiatingly stupid but no one wants to be the one to point it out. Only stupid people could suffer self-inflicted gunshot wounds or being hit by an on-coming train, so why should we pretend that it was only unfortunate circumstance? Hmmm? I'm not going to support the charade that everyone is intelligent anymore!!!! I refuse.
I went biking today through the woods. I saw sooo much. Crumbling old slaves quarters, ancient oak trees, a pristine river bank, frogs mating in a puddle, a fox sunning itself, and a completely different ecosystem to the one I grew up with. My childhood was spent in New England in damp, lush forests. This was dry and sparse. The undergrowth was nearly non-existent. So different from what I consider a forest. But so absolutely beautiful. I stopped to just look around so often that I almost can't call it a bike ride. If I believed in God, I would think that he was showing me this to let me know that my life is still worth something. I think sometimes that I have made all the wrong decisions in life. Maybe the city isn't for me anymore... Listen to "Smile" by Olive if you want to get a feeling of what I mean. :)
Then tonight I looked up at the sky and saw stars I haven't seen since I was 10...1976...25 years ago. I saw the Big Dipper, the Little Dipper, Casseopia, Orion, and the Pleadies...if you know them, you know that I was happy to still be able to see all three faint stars very distinctly. Then I saw a shooting star! I freaked. I wasn't expecting that. I'm not earthy/crunchy but something spiritual seems to be happening here. Fortunately it is personal and individual and not force fed through a weird, cultish, group mentality. Shudder the thought.
There are at least 10,000 spiders in my room, 12 of which have decided I would be a nice resting place. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!!
Note to Donna..."Hi! I am having a lot of Dan moments lately. I'm staying strong but it is hard. I love you and your friendship."
Note to Ed..."Absolutely brilliant stuff" is a perfectly normal American phrase!
Note to Dave Boyes..."Sorry to read that you had a day from hell. :("
It was 65 and sunny today. Can life be that bad?


Monday, March 12, 2001
It is late Monday evening, actually very early Tuesday morning (12:05 am EST...Eastern Standard Time) and I just completed my very, very long day. Working and socializing...networking in the woods. You've all heard me complain of that before. But I am back at Berry Hill. It is a lovely place, despite the history of slavery. The "War of Northern Aggression" (as they call the American Civil War here) took care of all of that unpleasantness. BTW, can a war be civil? Isn't that an oxymoron? I really don't have much to say tonight except that flying domestically in the United States is akin to taking a bus between Detroit and hell. There is nothing exciting, glamorous or glittering about domestic travel. A bag o' pretzels (stale) and a half a thimble o' coffee and you're good to go! That's what it's all about. Rude, overly made up bitches throwing snacks in your general direction and sighing loudly when you ask for something more than a can of soda. "YOU are being very difficult." That is a very common phrase to be heard on any major American carrier from the staff to the passangers. Whatever.
Spent time with my friend Alan this weekend. Alan is English. I am not. Misunderstandings sometimes arise in the use (or misuse) of English. Not on my part mind you, it is on his part. He is the only person in the world that can make me feel like a foreigner in my own country. He makes me laugh. I mean garage, barrage, aluminum. The list just goes on and on. I try to tell a simple story and get corrected at every turn. "It's not Ga-RAHJ, it's garag. It's not aluminum, it's aluminium..etc. Half the time, I forget the point of my story because I am so busy destroying the English language. We laugh but I can only wonder exactly what it is for him as an Englishman to hear the atrocities that fall from the mouths of Americans. Well, at least we aren't Austrailian! (Kidding Dave!)
I was looking around the bar on Friday night (Phoenix in the East Village) and I was comparing and contrasting an American crowd to an English crowd (based on my recent visit to England and Bar Code) My conclusion? Well, Americans are more individualistic, depending more on themselves for a good time while I felt that Brits go out to enjoy the crowd and be part of something bigger than themselves. (I quite enjoyed that). But I think that an American group acts more like a group of selfish children. We just have this wide-eyed look on our faces. When I look around a room full of Americans I think, "God forbid a true disaster befall this nation!" Basically because nobody would be able to handle a disruption of their day to day. There was a water shortage in New Jersey a couple of summers ago and this well-heeled woman was blubbering on the evening news because she had to wait in line for water and they ran out before she got to the front. She said, "They ran out of water before I got there. They didn't have any water for ME! I had to wait behind other people and they got water! Why didn't they save any for ME?!?!" She then burst into tears. She had no idea why no one else considered her he most important person there. She certainly did. My opinion, two strategically placed bombs and the US becomes yesterday's news. Where do we drop them you ask? Like I'm gonna tell you.


Sunday, March 11, 2001
It is Sunday and I am in the office trying to get myself ready for my trip tomorrow. I really don't want to be here, hence the blog.
I just saw David (the one who cancelled our date a few Fridays ago) at the Gap. I wanted to go over and say hi but I couldn't. It felt awkward because I haven't heard from him since he cancelled. I think now that I should have approached him and innocently said hello, but it is too late now. I'm not sure if he saw me or not.
I am going to see a movie called "Hit and Runway" this afternoon. I actually built part of the set for it. If you see it, it is the backdrop for the fashion show runway scene. I did the work about 2 years ago so it's hard to remember exactly what it looked like! I'm excited though.
I have to run, I have to get this work done and go home before the movie.


Friday, March 09, 2001
Just found out I'm going back to Berry Hill on Monday for another week. My oh my. Maybe I'll stop in to say hi to the Clampett's this time.


Thursday, March 08, 2001
For the umpteenth time today, ADD has gripped me. I have just diverted my attention from work and spent much time doing other non-important things (see gender test results below) and perusing my favorite online cartoon ""

My favorite bylines from Jerkcity:

"Cocksuckingist is not a word"

"Dear Mom, Suck a Cock, Love Dad"

"I don't feel any effect, I'd better suck another cock"

And my favorite cartoon in the series:

Deuce says, "Jesus Christ loves a good punch to the head (from time to time).
Pants replies, "He's loopy like that (our Lord and Savior).

Absolutely brilliant stuff.


I took the gendertest and with 86% Confidence I am pleased to announce that I am a Man.


I'm so scattered today. I keep jumping from thing to thing to thing without really accomplishing anything. I think I may have attention deficit dis... I think I want some coffee. What was I saying?


Wednesday, March 07, 2001
I was talking to my mom a few weeks ago bitching and moaning about how uncomfortable my bed was. So, low and behold, a few days later I get a check in the mail from her with a note saying, "Go buy a new mattress with this." I guess she was feeling sorry for me! Being as she sent only a small amount (which I absolutely appreciated), I decided that I would go to IKEA to get the bed. I had a $50 gift certificate to use there so together with the cash from mom, I figured I would do okay. I chose to go on Saturday so that I could utilize the IKEA shuttle bus from Port Authority (42nd and 8th). It's free and it's fast, what's better than that?!?! Naturally, IKEA is a mad house on the weekend but I went with my friend Nick so it was actually a good time. After much flip-flopping, I chose the mattress and a bed frame (Logga) and put in my order. Unfortunately, when I got to the shipping department I found that it was a flat fee of $99 to deliver from IKEA in Elizabeth NJ to Manhattan. Really not bad but $100 was all I had left from the money mom sent me. I was hoping to use the remainder to buy a lamp or night stand or something. But with no alternative, I decided that I had to do what I had to do and coughed up the cash for the delivery. Filling out the delivery form, I noticed that for any delivery above the 3rd floor in a building without an elevator there is a surcharge of $15 per floor making the grand total for my delivery $129. Being cheap, I said just deliver to the lobby. I would carry the bed and mattress up the cursed stairs myself. Once again, living on the 5th floor was causing inconvenience! The bane of my existence.

Well as it turns out, my bed was delivered this past Saturday. It took the better part of the afternoon to set it up because, of course, I had to get rid of all the old stuff. But the movers (thank God!) did not read English and ignored the instructions to deliver only to the lobby. They carried everything up all five flights and into my apartment! I love living in a multicultural society! And for the record, I love my new bed! SOOOO comfortable. I spent the whole day Sunday just lolling around in it. :)


Tuesday, March 06, 2001
I have group therapy this evening. I really don't want to go. I am beginning to think that my group is the true source of my stress. 1. It is expensive and I'm not rich. 2. Most of the other group members (except one) annoy me. 3. My therapist can sometimes be spineless. 4. His big, overgrown poodle sits in the middle of the room during the entire proceedings; I don't care for dogs. Lastly, 5. I'm just plain tired of listening to other people's problems. When will they finally learn that it is truly all about me and simply let me talk without interruption?


Woke up this morning, late, with the snow coming down heavily. When the weather is bad I feel all the aches and pains that I have collected over the years. My knee from skiing when I was 17, my wrists from years of gymnastics, my pinkie (believe it or not) from a wierd break in junior high, my neck from surgery, my second toe on my right foot, you get the picture. Well, I wake up all ache-y and I hobble into the bathroom for my shit/shower/shave session. I look into the mirror and notice that my goatee is much more grey than I recall. I also spy seven grey hairs on my chest. Last time I looked, I had only one! I actually remember when I first saw it. It was in August and I had just one. Believe me, I searched to make sure there weren't any more. Now just 7 months later I have more than half a dozen. This aging thing is happening too fast these days and is simply unacceptable! So I jumped into the shower, contemplating shaving off the goatee so that I don't look old and I start thinking that the average life expectancy for a caucasian male in the United States is 72 years. (I used to work with mortality tables on a daily basis...don't ask). SHOCK and HORROR! I realize that statistically, I am middle aged!


Monday, March 05, 2001
Well, I was supposed to be flying back to Virginia today for the ongoing training we are conducting, but it was called off due to bad weather here in the Northeast that, quite honestly, hasn't really materialized. The airlines started cancelling flights last night but I really don't understand why. The caveat to this whole thing is that my belongings are still down there, including my laptop for work. Highly inconvenient. I thought I was going to be back today but Nooooo... I'm not even sure if the attendees are aware that they should not go to Virginia. I left them all voicemail messages but I haven't heard back from any of them. I fear the worst.
I got an email from the ex last week and it has been drilling into my head all weekend. He just said that he has been thinking of me a lot and felt a great amount of sadness and was wondering if I am okay. He used his old nickname that I used to call him when we were together in his closing salutation. I just wrote back that I was fine, no need to ask or worry about me. But it is weird because I had been listening to a tape that he made for me right before/during our breakup. It has shaken me a little.
Oh, I also left me readin' glasses in Virginia. I didn't realize how much I needed them until today trying to use my computer!!! I am trying to figure out how to post my picture on this thing...any ideas anyone?


Friday, March 02, 2001
Is it okay as a gay man to really want to be in a committed relationship? It seems as though everyone I know just wants to "have fun" in meaningless trists. Not that I knock these "interactions" but I'm starting to feel like I want to have someone around as a constant in my life. I like being in a relationship. I like coming home to someone at the end of the day. It's been a long time since I've had that though. I feel that the older I get, the harder it is to deal with someone else's idocincracies and little habits. I get irritated so easily by the little things the guys I date do. I used to put up with these habits and traits. Now I have no patience for them. Maybe the solution is to get a cat.


Thursday, March 01, 2001
I'm having a relatively good time in Virginia despite a severe lack of things to do and the inability to get my regular work done due to a server problem which has not allowed me to check my email for quite some time. I can only imagine what I haven't gotten done that needs immediate attention. In the quiet of last night (there is no television in my room...or any room here for that matter. Community activities are encouraged to allow for "networking". Can you hear my eyes rolling?), I started thinking that work was controlling my life. But it is a free trip and it is a good set-up though. The food has been out of this world. I have also enjoyed the sauna and the swimming pool and the general lack of winter weather.

I had a dream about my ex the other night. I don't remember all of the details but it ended with my reaching down his throat, grabbing his heart and ripping it out through his mouth. To be honest, I wasn't really that freaked out although I did bolt up in my bed. I woke up sweating and a little confused. I also remember a flock of geese that kept flying backward around the plantation while I was running up and down the driveway trying to fill the pond with coca-cola. It was then that I bumped into Dan, he kept trying to stop me from filling the pond and then he started shooting at the geese. There was something said, I don't remember but right after the goose shooting started is when I ripped his heart out. Hmmmm.

I've once again been thinking of moving back to Boston again. It happens alot but mostly in the spring. Springs and summers are great up there and it is much less expensive than NYC with a much better standard of living, but it is much smaller and somewhat boring. Very provincal actually. I love it, I hate it. I love it, I hate it. Back and forth I go. Over and over. I feel like I need to run back to where I came from because I have really begun to lose my accent and (horror of horrors) begun to pick up somewhat of a New York way of speaking. A friend of mine says it has become Brooklyn meets the Merrimack Valley (the area I grew up). Wierd. It also makes me feel that in a way I am losing my identity and my roots. Growing up in New England gives one a certain identity...I'm slowly no longer identifying with that. I miss the towns, the coast and the lifestyle. But I think I'll probably stay in New York. Maybe it's just time for somewhere new, but where? Miami? London? Back to Germany? San Francisco? I'm at a loss.


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